AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Talin, Ela, and Thiemo left for the funeral. Nari, Anver, and I tried to relax, but it wasn't easy. There was so much to say, and no words to say it with. Hoping to distract herself, Nari found a book she'd read a million times before. It was the same one Talin had given her for the Darkest Night, and she cradled it like a treasure. Hoping to give her a moment to relax, I pulled out my arm sheath and decided to clean and oil the mechanism. I had a bad feeling I would use it one day soon.
"Why hasn't he come back?" Nari finally asked, breaking the silence as she snapped her book closed and gave up trying to fake it.
Anver looked up, clearly understanding what she was thinking about. "Zeal?" he asked.
She nodded. "He's been gone for too long. Have you tried the other gods?"
Anver's face fell and guilt took over his expression. "I went outside the other day, but they weren't around. I should've gone more. I just..."
"You were needed here," I reminded him. "We come first, and if the gods have a problem with that, then they need to do more helping." And if they had a problem with that, I would give them a piece of my mind, because this was fucking hard, and we didn't deserve it.
Anver relaxed. "I just don't know where Zeal could be," he admitted. "I feel like he's still around. I mean, that's stupid, right? It's just me being hopeful?"
"I just need to know what's going on!" Nari gasped, leaning her head back and clenching her eyes closed. "I can't deal with helping Talin if I'm so worried about Zeal. I feel like I'm not doing enough, and I can't stop thinking about the last time he was here. Guys, something was wrong, and he never told me what. What if he was dying?"
"Oh, Nari," I breathed, pushing aside my sheath and shoving to my feet. "Don't cry, baby. I'm sure Zeal's busy, because this is a fucking mess, and he probably has god things to do." I hurried towards her, intending to wrap her up in my arms. "He wouldn't leave you, Nari."
"I can't."
My feet stopped as Zeal appeared beside Nari's couch, just out of her reach, because this was not the god I knew. Yes, it was Zeal, but his arrogance and pride were gone. Instead, his head hung down, his eyes were on the floor, and his lace-covered hands clenched each other much too hard.
"Zeal?" Nari gasped, reaching out.
But he stepped back, making her freeze - and me too. Anver just stared with his mouth open. Slowly, Zeal shook his head, refusing something, but I had no idea what.
"I'm not a kind god," he mumbled softly.
"But you're a good god," Anver told him, his voice pitched to be soothing and reassuring.
"I am not a kind god!" Zeal roared again, clutching at his chest. "I didn't know he'd see me, but with enough to drink, he forgot to disbelieve. He couldn't even focus, and yet he knew I was there, so I had to. I took the risk. I did what was required, and it worked. It all worked!" He slung an arm through the air in frustration. "And I had no idea it would hurt like this."
"Tath," I realized.
Nari sat up quickly. "Zeal? What did you do?"
"You saw me," he mumbled, moving around the seating so she didn't have to twist to see him. It also put him even further away. "I followed him, Nari. I talked to him. I fucking tempted him to get out of the way. I made it clear that he couldn't continue like this. I gave him the fucking chance to change, but he couldn't. He wouldn't! He refused me, so I pushed, and I pushed hard."
"You tempted him to take his own life," I realized.
Zeal's eyes turned on me and hung there, but his gaze was pleading. "I don't know how to do this. I can't see the future, but I can guess, so I gave Tath a choice. He refused, so I pushed, and it worked. Every priest you have convinced to believe in me, all of the people who have heard your name and dared to hope, they all gave me just enough power to use, and I used it. I buried myself in all of you so you could see. I bent things to my will. I changed the world, but at what price?"
"Zeal?" I asked, slowly and carefully moving toward him. "What did you change?"
"The bond goes both ways," he whimpered, patting at his chest. "My divinity inside you lets you see like I do. It also lets me..." He let the words break off, and I could see moisture in his eyes. "I can feel you too. And him, and her, and them. I don't like grief, Wraythe. I don't like fear. I don't understand how you can be like this and still continue on day after day!"
Emotions. Human emotions, more specifically. That was what he was talking about, and because he'd been the one to spend his divinity to give us the sight, he was now as bound to us as I was to Ela or Nari. He'd opened something up between us, and it was crippling him.
"Is that where you've been?" I asked.
Zeal nodded. "Will helped. I couldn't think. I couldn't do anything. I was so afraid of what would happen, but they..." He glanced at Nari and Anver. "They loved me anyway. I can't stop thinking that to save myself, I've lost everything, and when Tath finally had his chance, the pain Talin felt? How can your heart hurt this much? How do you survive it?"
One more step, and I could clasp his face between my hands, making him look at me. "Lean into it, Zeal. It's no different than Ela's trinkets. Taste the pain. Know it. Learn from it. That's how we survive."
"Learn," he repeated.
"Yeah," I said, guiding him toward me so I could hug him close. "She's been so scared for you, Zeal. I know it's hard, but you can't ignore us. We're supposed to help, and how can we help if you aren't here?"
"I couldn't," he admitted. "Not wouldn't. I couldn't, Wraythe." Then he turned to look at Nari. "I knew you would be ok. I believed in you, and you did everything. I wanted to help Migard, but you had it. I tried to warn Talin, but I couldn't cross over. I tried! I..." He swallowed. "I don't like the way this feels!"
