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"That... Oh." She began chewing on her lower lip, clearly not awake enough to process all of this easily. "It wasn't Zeal's secret to tell me. If he'd tried, I would've hated him for ruining my memories of my family."
"Yeah," I agreed. "And it doesn't change anything, Nari."
"It kinda does," she insisted. "I'd been so scared of them thinking of me as the failure. Papa confirmed that all of my siblings are in Compassion. Everyone but me! What if they think I'm just a whore? My father did!"
"You are not a whore," I assured her. "If that's all they can see, then fuck 'em. But, do you really think their goddess is better than Zeal?"
"No," she huffed.
I gently smoothed her hair back, trying to read her face to make sure she was ok. "Do you hate them for not being good enough to see gods?"
"No..."
So I nodded. "Yeah, because you are better than them, but you still love them. They are your family, Nari. They're a part of the life that made us. A bit of the foundation that holds us up. Do you think that maybe they wonder what happened to you?"
"They've probably heard about me."
"Mm," I grumbled. "Doubtful. Peyron knew about you because he was trying to find out about these priests he was crushing on. Most of us don't pay attention to the gossip of other temples. I mean, tell me the best artist in Inspiration?"
"I don't know," she admitted.
"Unless the older ones moved up quickly, they're probably just trying to figure out their duties," I assured her. "They're also just over there." I pointed across the room.
Nari giggled at me. "Compassion's actually that way, Wraythe."
I just canted my head and shrugged one shoulder. "I took a guess. All I'm saying is that I would love to see my little sister. Ela would give anything to ask his mother why she didn't want him. You? Right now, you can tell your siblings everything your dad told you - "
"Father," she corrected. "Jamik's my dad."
"Ok, your father," I conceded. "Don't they deserve to know why you can do this thing when they can't?"
"And why our parents kept having kids when they couldn't keep us," she breathed.
She'd just taken off in her mind without me. "Huh?"
Nari squinted her eyes and tipped her head from side to side. "Sorry. Papa said that Mama sold herself. She was a whore, Wraythe. That's why he was so worried about me, because Mama couldn't do it. She hated sleeping with strangers. She got drunk to get over it, then got addicted to the drink, it sounds like. My siblings are the results. They weren't children of love, but of lust. My parents couldn't feed us all, and since they weren't truly theirs..."
"But they were theirs," I insisted, stopping hard when I realized how that sounded.
She just reached up to clasp my arm. "No, I mean they could convince themselves they weren't. My siblings were the side effect of making money. They weren't wanted. They weren't made from the love of a marriage. Outside the temple, that's how people are taught to think of these things. They were bastards, sired out of wedlock, and all that. Something to be ashamed of. Sending them to the temple kept the neighbors from asking questions, I bet. It kept my brothers and sister from wondering why they didn't look like Papa."
"And sending you?" I asked.
"Papa said he wasn't sure I was his until he saw my tantrum and black lace on my hands. He said he wanted to take me back, but Zeal told him it would be ok. He said I'd have chances in the temple. My father gave us all up because he hoped we'd have better lives than we would dealing with the gossip and poverty back home. I promised him that he was right."
"I bet your siblings would like to know all of that. They probably miss you."
She shook her head, dropping her gaze to the cushions. "No, I'm not ready for that."
I just caught her chin, lifting her face so she had to look at me in the darkness. "When will you be ready, Nari? You're not a little kid anymore. Either you're ready now, or you simply want to cut ties with them. Both are ok, but 'not being ready' isn't a good excuse anymore."
"I'm scared," she breathed.
I cradled her cheek, guiding her close enough so I could hold her. "They will love you or they won't. If they don't, then it's their loss. If they do, then wouldn't it be nice to have that much more of your family back?"
Her eyes jumped from one of mine to the other, shining with a golden reflection from the pilot light in the kitchen. "If they hate me..."
"Then I'll still love you," I promised. "Nari, you have a chance that most priests never get. Just look at how close Talin is to his sisters. Look at how much you enjoy seeing Maela. Think about that stuffed dog I keep, and how I'm sure I wouldn't recognize my sister if she was standing before me. I think you should talk to them, and I think you should do it soon so you can't convince yourself to wait another ten or twelve years."
She slowly nodded. "Papa gave me his address. He said I can write to him because Ichi can read. My oldest brother, I mean. Papa never learned how, but my brothers all did, and my sister."
I leaned in and kissed her lips. "So are you going to?"
"Yeah," she breathed. "And there's no one else to give his address to my siblings in Compassion." She pressed in, tilting her head to push her face against my neck. "What if they hate me because he came to see me?"
"What if they're Priests of Compassion?" I asked. "You know, the kind of people who tend to forgive others? I have a feeling they're probably a lot more like you than you can imagine. Give them a chance, Nari. Trust Zeal, because you know he had a part in making this happen. Take a risk, and I promise that Ela, Talin, and I will have your back the whole time."
"I'm just scared," she said, so softly I almost missed it.
So I scooped her up into my arms and began walking to the bedroom. "You're just exhausted," I told her. "That's the only reason you'd forget that taking care of you means making sure you have nothing to fear. Now, I'm going to put you to bed, and I'll let you cuddle close to me so I can chase away all the nightmares, ok? Even the ones that don't happen in your sleep."
