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"And instead you ended up a priest," he reminded me. "One that Zeal seems invested in."
All I could do was nod. "But that doesn't remove that part of me, don't you see? The broken piece that is amused when others hurt. The bit that is fascinated with the price others pay. The part that is obsessed with vengeance."
"Violence," he corrected.
"Yeah," I admitted. "And Cayden was begging for it. He gave me a way to let it out, and it feltsogood. To take control, listen to him whimper and plead. To see him forced to respect me? It was a drug more heady than that bourbon. Feeling him try to breathe through my grip on his throat while surrendering his body?"
"What are you going to do about it?" Wraythe asked.
"Nothing." I shrugged, trying to pretend that the one taste had been enough. "I won't hurt Nari. I will never treat you like shit. Not intentionally, I mean, because it was pretty shitty of me to try to make out with you."
He chuckled. "It was cute, not shitty," he promised. "And you didn't push. You're fine, Ela. I dunno, kinda feels good to have the sexiest man in the temple hitting on me, even if I'm not into it."
"Yeah, but..." I wasn't about to let him distract me from this thing I needed to get off my chest. "I kinda want to do it again."
"It?" Wraythe asked. "Or him?"
"It," I assured him. "Cayden's cute, but I'm honestly only attracted to his need to be abused."
Wraythe was slowly nodding. "How about we talk to Shalsa this afternoon, hm? And Irila, because in truth, I need to know how far is too far. I mean, Shalsa understands the desire for pain since it's her specialty, and that's the whole reason you have a mentor, right?"
"So..." I looked away, reaching for the glass of water in an attempt not to watch his face. "You're not trying to talk me out of this?"
"Nope. There are a lot of people who want it rough. That's why there's a specialty for it. My only fear is that you're going to one day lose control."
"Ineverlose control," I assured him. "Not even when I want to."
"Ok," he agreed, giving in a little too easily. "But you'll talk to Shalsa about this urge to hurt your lovers?"
I opened my mouth to tell him that wasn't what I wanted, but then closed it again. Because in truth, it was. That wasexactlywhat I wanted. Not to hurt the people I loved, but the ones who dared to love me for no reason. To make it clear that I wasn't soft, gentle, or fragile. I was toxic, venomous even, and I was so ready to bite.
"I think I should," I agreed. "And thanks, Wraythe, for not making this weird."
"Oh, it's weird," he assured me. "Not enough to have people begging to fall on your dick, but then you want to break them for it? Pretty weird, Ela, but I kinda get it. I have a feeling it's not that different from how I want to break people who touch my girl."
Not at all what I'd expected him to say. "Everyone?" I asked carefully.
"Not us," he promised. "I mean, I get kinda jealous sometimes of Talin, but it's different. I'm not jealous that he's with her, or that she cares about him. I'm jealous that she doesn't need me as much as she used to." He chuckled once. "I also know that if I had to pick, I'd stay with you, so it's nice to know that her guy is someone I'm ok with."
"But you wish you could be two places at the same time," I said, showing I understood. "Yeah. Kinda how it is with this, you know? I want to get off, but I also want to punish them for thinking of me as a thing they can manipulate. I want to make it clear that being attractive is not the same thing as being weak. That beautiful doesn't mean fragile."
"Never saw you as fragile," Wraythe promised.
"Which is why I love you," I assured him. "In a purely shower-groping sort of way."
That comment removed the last hint of tension in the room. Wraythe let out a real, hearty laugh and eased himself from the bed, holding up a finger as he left the room. The sound of his chuckling came back, proving that whatever I'd done in the shower last night was probably a lot more embarrassing than he was letting on.
But he returned a moment later with two small boxes. "These were left in the living room. One for me and one for you." He passed the second box over.
"From who?" I asked.
"Handwriting's Jamik's, but it says from 'N,' so Nari?"
I lifted the top of the box and saw a beautiful black pocket watch inside, laying on a bed of black silk. "Yep, that's from Nari." I tilted it for him to see.
Wraythe opened his and did the same, proving they were a match. Both had the five-headed snake engraved on the cover plate. Both were quality watches, not cheap imitations. The blackened metal had to have been expensive, which made me curious about the face. Lifting mine out, I opened the cover and noticed something on the inside.
The light in my darkness. The darkness in my light. The love in my heart. ~N.
