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He just shoved a hand into his hair and pushed out a heavy sigh. "Dahlia, I don't want you to protect me."
"You also can't stop me," she pointed out. "I thought that's what we're both trying to do! You made sure the Church couldn't kill me, so I'm making sure the eidolon can't kill you. I mean, isn't that how this is supposed to work?"
Pulling a pair of stakes from the hidden pocket inside the waistband of his jeans, Thane set them down on the kitchen counter, then kept going until he dropped down onto the futon. "In all honesty, I have no clue how this is supposed to work," he admitted. "All I know is that when that bitch jumped me, I wish I'd had one of those on me. So, now I'll be carrying one. That means if someone else tries to attack me, I'm not going to be a helpless little target. So you know, they work on priests too."
"I don't think any of ours will be dumb enough to try again," she insisted.
"That's what you thought before, too," he countered. "Dahlia, I don't know how to break this to you, but not all of these people are good."
"Iam not good," she shot back. "In case you missed it, I kill people, Thane. Sometimes I even eat them. I don't know what you want, but we're not the good guys. I'm not sure therearegood guys."
"Don't you get it?" he asked. "I don't care about good and bad! All I want is to stop feeling weak. That's it. You've killed people, I've killed people, and the Church has killed a whole lot more people. I get that, but that doesn't mean I want to be one of the ones dying. You seem to do just fine taking care of yourself, but ever since I got here, only one thing has become clear to me. I'm not a badass anymore. No one thinks I'm tough, I can't beat them down to make my point, and my big plan to show up and be your mighty protector is all going to shit."
The air fell from Dahlia's lungs as his words hit her. "Thane, you're not weak. I keep telling you that, but I don't know how to make you believe it!"
"The problem is that I sure fucking feel like I am. That girl, Isabella? What does she weigh, maybe a hundred and ten pounds? I couldn't push her off me, Dahlia. Imagine what would happen if the wendigo or vampire decided to beat my ass."
"Thane…" Dahlia said as she made her way over to take the spot next to him. "Losing once isn't the same as being weak." Reaching up, she smoothed his hair back over his ear. "Like all predators, most eidolon learn early on that our best chance is if we get the jump on someone. You can't defend against the things you don't expect to be there. Carry the clavum if it makes you feel better, but just know that none of these people could hold their own against me. You did."
"I bet Cain could," he said, forcing out a laugh.
She shrugged. "Cain doesn't count. I don't think he's really like the rest of us. I can also say that I've never fought him." Dahlia turned on the cheap couch to see his face better. "You want me to kick Isabella out?"
"No…" He groaned as he leaned back to shove both hands over his face. "I just don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore."
Those words made her feel as if her heart stopped beating. Her chest ached. Her fingers began to tingle from the shock racing over her skin. Of all the things he could've said, that wasn't at all what she'd expected.
"What?" she breathed. "What do you mean?"
Because the truth was that she wanted him to want to be here. For the past six days, Thane had become her rock. Dahlia had honestly started to believe what they were building might actually have a chance, and now he saidthis?
He groaned, making it clear this conversation wasn't any easier for him than it was for her. "Right now, my brother is doing some trial that might end up getting him killed. But here's the thing, in order to pass it? He's probably going to have to kill a few 'demons.' I don't know if I'm supposed to tell you that part, if it's going to piss you off, or if you're going to decide he's no longer welcome here. That's what I mean."
In relief, Dahlia flopped forward to press her face against his thigh. "Shit, Thane. I thought you were going to say you wanted to go back! That all of this was a mistake."
Gently, his hand began to smooth her hair down the back of her neck. "I think it's less of a mistake than staying in the Church. I'm just not quite sure what we're doing or where I stand."
Dahlia turned, rolling herself over on the couch until she was lying face up and still using his lap as her pillow. "I know you killed eidolon. I know Brice killed eidolon. I assumed that Laird had also killed a few of us, but I didn't know them. The same can't be said the other way around. How many people have I killed that you knew? Why would I be pissed off at your brother doing what he has to in order to survive? Isn't that whyIkill people? So I can feed? So I can make sure there's no one left to turn me in? How does that make it any different?"
"Because I'm used to the ones in power expecting the ones without to live by different rules," Thane admitted. Then he swallowed, shifting his eyes over to stare at the empty wall across from them. "I'm also not exactly sure how I fit in."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
It took a little too long for him to answer. "With you. I mean, I know this is pretty much just a marriage of convenience, so am I just another weapon you're adding to your arsenal? A useful piece of ass to charge you up when you don't have time to go clubbing? Where do I fit in, Dahlia?"
Yeah, this was not the conversation to have while lounging on him like he was a piece of furniture. Dahlia sat up, but when she tried to adjust herself again, he caught her hand. So, instead of moving to the far side of the couch, she merely turned to face him yet again.
"I don't know how to answer that," she mumbled.
He nodded slowly. "Which means you don't want to chase me off."
"No. Well, yes… But no." Dahlia groaned, knowing she was only making it worse. "Thane, I haven't had a relationship talk in more than six centuries. At least, not this kind. Look, I like you. I'm not ready to like you - this is all happening too fast - but I definitely don't want you to go anywhere. Yes, you are a weapon, but that's not the reason I asked you to come here." She bit her lips together, knowing she should stop there, and yet unable to. So, giving in, Dahlia blurted out, "I think I need you to hold me together, and I like the fact that you're willing to, and you have no idea how guilty that makes me feel since Mei just died. That's how you fit in."
"Okay," Thane breathed, looking at her with the same kind of overwhelmed expression on his face that she could feel on her own. "I like you too, but I'm gonna grow old and die, and I don't know if that means I should try to stop liking you."
A single laugh burst from Dahlia's lips. "I haven't felt this completely stupid when talking to a guy since I was alive."
"I'm wondering if I should just pull your hair now to show you I like you or something," Thane joked.
