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“Did you still want to be in the baby’s life? Have communication and all that? Because we want you to know, we’ll be fine with whatever decision you choose.” Colton says, leaning forward and looking between Jackson and me.
I think about that. Watching the baby grow up from afar and watching it call Amanda mom. And what would I be? Cara?
“No. I don’t.” My heart shreds into pieces at that statement, but I know it would absolutely tear me apart to watch my own child grow into a beautiful human at the hands of someone else. It would completely destroy me.
Both Colton and Amanda nod. “I understand.” Colton says.
“So, are you going to find out? If it’s a boy or a girl?” Amanda says, trying to lighten up the conversation.
“We found out last week.”
Amanda gasps. “Really? What is it? Do you mind me asking?” She looks at Colton, complete joy and eagerness in her gaze.
“It’s a boy.”
Amanda’s eyes go wide as she looks at Colton. “It’s a boy!” She whispers, and he grabs her into his arms and squeezes here. “It’s a boy!” She says again. Looking at me, she says, “Wow! That’s so great!”
I don’t feel any of the excitement she’s feeling. She’s going to be the one to name him. She’ll be the one to dress him and decorate the nursery. She’ll be the one fending off all the girls one day.
Not me.
I smile at her when I feel myself choking up again. This is starting to become too much. I feel like this is right, but it’sso hard. Does anyone go through this process without being torn in two? I can’t even imagine.
“How do you feel about the whole situation?” Colton asks Jackson, and I turn cold.
Shit.
Turning towards Jackson, I see him staring at me. He has a million things to say and none of them very nice. He doesn’t really speak to people though, so I’m hoping he keeps things to a minimum.
“Me?” He points to his chest.
Oh, no.
Colton nods, and I bite my lip in anticipation in what is bound to be something negative. Or threatening.
“I think this is fucked up. This girl here was dating my best friend until he died. One thing led to another and we ended up getting together. She’s pregnant, and to be honest, I don’t know whether the baby is mine or his. She’s worried about not being able to care for the baby because my mom’s a druggie and hers is a drunk, but it pisses me right the fuck off that she doesn’t trust I can care for my child. Whether it’s biologically mine or not, that’s my child in her belly. I think she’s gone through so much that she’s conflicted on what’s right or wrong, and I think she’s going to regret this shit the day after she gives the baby up. But, we’ve fought so many times about this shit and I can see she’s serious about it. If she thinks it’s for the best, I won’t stand in her way. I don’t agree with this shit at all, but I won’t fuck it up for her.” I hold my breath through his shockingly long speech. Tears are falling down my cheeks as he speaks from the bottom of his heart with these words that sink like heavy tear drops to the deepest pits of my belly.
He looks over at me. “But I can’t sit in here anymore and pretend I’m okay with this. So, I’m going to wait out in the car until you’re finished.” He stands up, lifting his hand in a wave and letting himself out.
With my jaw to the floor, I look back at Colton and Amanda and see them with the same shocked expressions.
“I-I think I should go.” I stand up after a few awkward moments of silence, suddenly wanting nothing more than to talk to Jackson. I want to hold him and kiss him and tell him I feel the same way. I don’t want to give this baby up, either.
And I want to tell him that I’m proud of him. He’s acting like an adult and not losing his shit, even though he clearly wants to. He could have threatened these people, but he didn’t.
“Okay, I understand. But, will you call? Keep us updated?” Amanda scrambles to the other room, coming back with a paper and pen. “Call me anytime. You need anything, and I meananything, please call me. I don’t care what time it is. I want this to be as stress free as possible, and of course it’s stressful for you but—”
“Amanda.” Colton lays a hand on her arm. “I think she gets it.”
Amanda’s face tinges pink with embarrassment. “Of course. Here.” She hands me the sheet of paper. “I meant what I said.”
“I know.” I smile, lifting my hand in a wave. “Thanks for having me.”
“No, thank you, Cara. Drive safe.” Colton says as he walks me to the door.
I give them one more smile before walking out. I hear the door shut behind me but have no doubt they’re probably looking through the front window making sure they don’t need to call the police.
Jackson sits in the car, not meeting my gaze as I approach.
