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“Exactly what you’re thinking happened. She said I’m worthless. Just like every other girl in The Grove. A whore.” I pick at the skin around my nails. It’s giving me something to do, because right now, more than anything, I just want to take a few shots of rum to numb away this damn pain.
“She’s stupid. Seriously… your mom has no right to say anything after the way she’s treated you. A waste of a human. Why are you letting her words get to you?”
“Because I—because I needed my mom! I needed to see what she would say. What she thought I should do in this situation.”
“What are you going to do?” She brushes the hair out of my face as she gives me a frown.
“I can’t keep it.” I look down at my thumb and watch as a dollop of blood appears. I’m picking too hard.
“Does that mean you’re…” I can see in her eyes what she’s thinking. She thinks I’m going to have an abortion.
“No. No, I can’t. Not that.”
I watch as Rose deflates. “So, adoption?”
I nod my head. “Will you help me? I can’t do it alone.” My bottom lip trembles and I bite down to stop the shake. Why the hell did I get myself into this situation?
“Of course, I’ll help you, Cara. What do you need me to do?”
I look up at her. “I don’t know. Can you help me find a place, set up an appointment or something? I just… it’s just too hard.” I tear finally escapes, and I wipe it away before it reaches my cheek.
She runs her hand down my arm to my hand, giving it a squeeze. “Of course.” She leans over to pull her phone out of her pocket. Unlocking it, she types something in and then squints at her screen. “Okay, here. Pine Family and Adoption Services. They’re open. Want me to call?”
I nod my head and take a deep breath. My heart races to the point I feel out of breath. I don’t want to think about how this is making me feel. How sad I feel for the loss that I never even had. A part of me doesn’t even feel pregnant. If it wasn’t for the constant nausea I’m battling, I probably wouldn’t even know.
I half listen to Rose as she sits on the phone with the adoption services place. She goes through the prompts, and each question she answers makes the heavy dread weigh down my stomach more and more. I feel seconds away from gagging when she hangs up the phone.
“There. They’re going to send you some paperwork to fill out and once that’s done, they’ll send you some information with potential parents. Have you set up a doctor appointment? That’s definitely something that needs to be done…” She trails off when she sees how pale my face gets. “Are you okay? You don’t look so—” She doesn’t have time to finish because I bolt off the couch and across the room to the bathroom. Slamming the door shut, I drop to my knees in front of the toilet and expel any and everything that’s left in my stomach.
When I’m finished, I rest my forehead against the toilet seat as tears trail down my face. I so badly wish that I could keep this child and be a great mom. Then give a big fuck you to my mom to show her I could do it.
But even the small possibility that I end up like my mom. Maybe my brain is just in some way wired the same as hers. This baby will pop out of me and I’ll end up being a fucking drunk and get some deadbeat boyfriend. My child will grow up not knowing love.
No.
There’s no fucking way I’ll ever allow my kid to be subjected to that kind of life. Even if it literally kills me to give it up, I know it’ll be for the best.
“Cara?”Knock, knock. “I want to come in, but I really don’t like the smell of vomit. Are you okay?”
I shake my head against the seat. Fucking Rose.
“I’ll be right out.” I mumble.
When my rolling stomach settles, I stand up and go to the sink. Filling my mouth with tap water, I swish it around and spit it in the sink. Looking into the mirror, I notice the huge bags underneath my eyes and the permanent frown line creased between my eyebrows. Underneath my sadness and bad mood, there’s some new glow to my cheeks I’ve never had before.
Is this that… that pregnancy glow everyone talks about?
Fucking hell.
I shake my head and leave the bathroom, walking back to the couch and a worried looking Rose.
“What happened?” She scooches over and makes room for me to sit.
“I haven’t been feeling good.” I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. “Morning sickness sucks.”
She nods.
“So, I guess I need to make a doctor appointment. I never even thought of that.”
