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Chapter 23
“Iknow you think that’s helping, but it’s not.” Eliza reached down to pet Farmer as he sat next to her, his head on her lap. She ran her hand over his head. He snuggled closer to her.
After a few strokes she admitted, “Okay, maybe it is.”
A quick glance at the clock in the corner of her computer had her sighing in relief. It was seven p.m. She’d made it through another workday. Her last patient had left a half hour ago and she’d just finished up the final task on the spreadsheet she’d drafted when she’d taken over the practice. She’d accomplished all three hundred and fifty-eight items on it. It had taken her a month, but she’d done it. And instead of feeling accomplished and wanting to go celebrate, all she wanted to do was cry.
It had been three days since she’d returned from Becca and Brian’s wedding and she hadn’t heard anything from Nate. She’d seen him once. The day she’d come home from Whisper Lake.
As soon as she got into town she’d driven straight to pick up Farmer. Since it was a Sunday, she found parking right in front. When she’d gotten out of the car and stepped onto the sidewalk she saw Nate walk out of The Daily Grind, coffee in hand.
She’d known it was Nate and not Neil because her heart jumped and tingles spread through her body as soon as she laid eyes on him. One look. That was all it took for her body and emotions to erase the fact that he’d pulled a Houdini disappearing act. They were ready to forgive and forget. Que sera, sera. Live and let live. Let bygones be bygones, and every other corny expression that let Nate off the hook. Her mind was a little more discerning. It at least wanted an explanation.
She couldn’t be absolutely certain that he’d seen her since he was wearing sunglasses. But, when his head turned towards her, she noticed that he stilled. So, he either saw her and froze or had decided to practice being a statue for ten seconds.
Even though his eyes were hidden, just the fact that he was looking in her direction caused her heart to drum rapidly like a woodpecker pecking against her ribcage.
When she’d lifted her hand to wave, she noticed it was shaking. She’d honestly expected Nate to see her gesture and walk the half block to come talk to her. Or, at the very least, wave back. But neither of those things happened. Before her hand even made it up to chest level, he turned and walked away from her, towards the Elite offices and never looked back.
Her heart had not just sunk, it had plummeted like an Empire State Building elevator whose wire snaps at the observation deck and crashes in the basement, smashing its rider to pieces. It wasn’t just her heart that had broken, her soul had been shattered too.
Until now, she’d never made the distinction between a broken heart and a shattered soul. She knew now. And it sucked.
On her lap, Farmer let out a sigh that caused his jowls to puff out like a blowfish.
“You’ll never break my heart, huh handsome boy.”
His response was to curl up at her feet and close his eyes. She knew that he’d be asleep within minutes. He’d been on constant breakdown watch since she’d gotten home and it had taken a toll on him. If he were a human, he’d have bloodshot eyes with large bags beneath them.
After Nate had taken a wrecking ball to her heart and soul, she’d somehow managed to function, but just barely. She’d picked Farmer up without totally breaking down in front of the owners, Bea and Leah. It was touch and go there for a moment when they’d asked her how the wedding had been. Her eyes had filled with tears, but she covered by saying it was beautiful, that Becca had looked beautiful. Which was the truth. It was beautiful and Becca had looked beautiful.
She imagined they thought she was just emotional over her best friend getting married because they said they were so glad and gave Farmer special treats for being such a good boy. It was that or they just wanted the crazy crying lady to get out of their store and they were really giving Farmer treats because they felt so bad that he had to live with such an unbalanced owner.
Either way, Farmer got treats so he was happy and she got to go home and wallow in her misery, so she was happy.
When she’d arrived at her condo, she didn’t even unpack. She got straight into her pajamas, lay on the couch and watched The Notebook, P.S. I Love You, Titanic, Brokeback Mountain, Sweet November, and Dear John.
She hadn’t gone with her go-to tearjerkers. She needed to bring out the big guns. Movies that had taken her to such deep emotional places she had only watched them once.
It was an odd thing to admit, even to herself, but she was actually more devastated, more heartbroken over Nate blowing her off than she had been over her first husband using her as a pawn for financial gain and her second husband not letting marriage slow down his dating life.
Tears started rolling down her cheeks and she looked down at the sleeping bundle of fur at her feet. Farmer hadn’t left her side since she’d gotten home except for when she was with patients.
At home, when she was showering or in the bathroom, he waited on the other side of the door standing guard. At night, he normally slept by her feet at the end of the bed, but since they’d been back he’d slept right next to her and every time she moved or adjusted her pillow he’d wake up and check on her.
He was exhausted. She was exhausted. They couldn’t keep going on like this.
As she watched him sleep now, peacefully, she realized that she needed to do something. Take action. Not just for poor Farmer’s sake, but for hers. She couldn’t live in this emotional limbo, not anymore.
Since she’d been back, every time a door opened, she’d expected to see Nate on the other side. Every time a call came into the office, she expected Jarmen to tell her it was from Nate. Every time she walked out to her car at the end of the day, she expected him to be standing there. But…he hadn’t shown up or called.
During his conspicuous absence, she’d had time to think about the conclusion that she’d drawn on the morning after the wedding. That her relationship with Nate was the same as his relationship with Bailey. That very well might be the case, but she hadn’t actually heard it from his mouth. Just like he’d never heard what she felt for him.
Maybe he didn’t care about her in a romantic way. Maybe he didn’t take what they’d shared together seriously. Maybe she was just another hookup to him. But she needed to hear him say that.
Just like she needed to tell him that she’d always loved him and only him. That every other relationship she’d ever had was doomed from the start because she’d been his all along. That no one else ever had a shot at being the love of her life because that role had been filled since the day she walked into Mr. Hawkins’ first period class.
And if he didn’t feel the same, fine. She would be fine. She had a career she loved, friends she loved and a dog she loved. If she didn’t have the man she loved, well she’d survive. She would focus on all the good in her life.
