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Chapter 20
Nate threw his tux jacket onto the bed and then collapsed in the armchair that sat in the corner of his room. He tried to take in a breath as he unfastened the top button of his dress shirt and loosened his tie. He wasn’t a huge fan of formal wear, but he’d never felt like he was suffocating from it like he did now.
In fairness, it wasn’t the suit that had sent him up to his room because he’d felt like he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move and couldn’t think. It was because he’d been watching Eliza dance. With his brother. And not just one dance. He’d finally given into the walls closing in on him after they’d started their fourth dance.
He’d kept his distance from her tonight because he hadn’t wanted to make a scene at Becca and Brian’s wedding. And since he hadn’t had a chance to talk to Neil, he thought that was a very real possibility. From what his mom told him, Neil had been pursuing Eliza fairly hard since she’d moved home. Apparently, the three weeks he’d been in Montana Neil had asked her out almost every day.
Once again, Neil had swooped in while Nate hung back. His brother had gone after what he wanted and just like in high school, he had hesitated and it had cost him.
If she came to his room tonight then he’d address it. If not, tomorrow when they got home Nate was going to tell Eliza everything he’d kept bottled up. He was going to lay it all out for her, tell her that he was the man she deserved. Yes, he’d kept something from her, something important, but he’d make it up to her. Every day for the rest of her life, if she’d let him.
Leaning back on the chair, he closed his eyes. Since he hadn’t slept the night before, he drifted off. He wasn’t sure how long he was out for but the next thing he was aware of was a pounding on the door. He scrubbed his face as he crossed the room and opened the door. His heart felt like it stopped beating when he saw Eliza standing in front of him.
Without a word, she pushed past him and he shut the door. When he turned around he saw that she was pacing, visibly upset.
“Ellie. What’s wrong?”
She lifted her arms and started moving them before the first word had come out of her mouth and he knew it was bad. “I just had a very interesting conversation with Neil about the night of my eighteenth birthday.”
Oh shit.
“Let me explain…” He started to move towards her, but she moved away and he immediately stopped.
“It was you,” she said in disbelief.
He wasn’t sure if she was asking a question, or just needed to say it out loud, but he answered it anyway. “Yes, but please let me—”
“You knew, all this time, and you didn’t say anything.”
His heart broke at the vulnerability in her voice.
“Just listen to me, please” he begged. “That was my finals week, that’s why I didn’t fly home for your graduation. And I’d only gotten an hour of sleep every night. But, when Neil told me he was going to break up with you, on your birthday, I got in my car and drove straight through to Whisper Lake—”
Her brow was furrowed. “That’s, like, sixteen hours.”
“It was twenty. And when I got there, I couldn’t find you. I couldn’t find Neil. I looked by the lake, the picnic area, everywhere, but by the time I circled back to the cabins I was so tired. And when the janitor let me into the room, because he thought I was Neil, I took a shower and laid down on the bed.
“The next thing I knew, I woke up and you were on top of me. But, I thought I was dreaming. I was so groggy and the only light in the room was coming from the moon shining between the slats of the blinds. You were so…beautiful. I thought it was a dream. I didn’t really come to until…well until I came, and then when I recovered from that you were running out of the room. Crying.
“I got dressed and I ran out and looked for you. I looked everywhere. I had to find you and tell you how sorry I was. I looked by the lake, the bonfire, all the cabins, the general store, the gas station. When I couldn’t find you by the next morning I drove straight to your parents’ house and they said that you were gone and they didn’t know where you were.
“All these years it’s killed me not being able to tell you how sorry I am. I tracked you down, after I got done with basic, but when you finally joined social media, you were married. And then you were married to a different guy. Then you were back in town and I just didn’t know how to say it. And then last night happened and I knew that that would only make it worse. That’s why I told you I had to talk to you tonight. I’m so sorry.”
Nate felt like both a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders and like he’d been kneed in the balls as he waited for Eliza to say something, anything. She was just standing still, staring at him, silent.
His mind started racing with what could happen next. Would she cry? Would she yell? Would she slap him? He deserved all of it.
To his complete shock and surprise, she burst out laughing. Of all the reactions that he had predicted her having every time that he had thought about confessing this huge secret over the years, laughter was probably the only one he never considered. She always surprised him.
“Oh, my gosh!” she cried, doubling over and wiping her eyes in between bouts of hilarity, “It’s just…all these years…you’ve felt so guilty, and I’ve felt so guilty…and now…”
“Wait.” He stepped forward. “You felt guilty?”
She nodded as her laughter continued. “Yeah! I felt guilty.”
He waited for her to continue, but it took a minute.
Between fits of laughter she asked, “Do you even know the reason that I ran out of the room crying?”
Nate had never thought about that before. He’d been so wracked with guilt he’d never even considered what had upset her. “No.”
She held up her hand while she attempted to pull herself together. When she managed to take a deep breath she straightened and wiped the tears that had fallen down her cheeks. Looking him straight in the eyes she said, “I left the room crying because I said your name.”
The way she said it made him think she thought it was some big reveal, but he had no idea what she was talking about. “What?”
“When I…you know…finished, I said your name. I freaked out because I thought I was losing my virginity to your brother and I said your name. All these years, I’ve felt so guilty because I said your name but I was actually with you. And you felt guilty because you thought you’d taken advantage of me, but I said your name. Isn’t that funny? That’s hilarious!”
Maybe someday he’d find the humor in it, but right now everything inside him zeroed in on one thing and one thing only. His voice was hoarse as he asked, “You were a virgin?”
Her eyes widened and the flush that he loved so much rushed up her chest. “Yes. I was a virgin. You were…” She took in a shaky breath. “You were my first.”
