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“You knew?”
“Of course I knew. Sabrina and I told each other everything.”
Then this was going to make the next part of this conversation extra uncomfortable. “I know that dad wasn’t around a lot.”
When I brought up my father, my mom’s lips pursed and she picked up the knife and began chopping again. She never said a bad word about him when he was alive, and she sure as hell didn’t say a bad word about him since he’d passed.
“Is there any way that he and Sabrina might have…?”
Her hands stilled and she lifted her head, confusion clouding her bright blue eyes.
“Is there any chance that he is Cheyenne’s father?” I came right out and asked the question.
Her eyes widened for a split second before she tilted her head back and started cracking up.
Well, I guessed that laughing was better than crying or screaming. But I wasn’t so sure what to do with that reaction.
“I’m serious, Mama. I know you and Sabrina were close but things happen.”
My mom wiped the tears that were coming out of her eyes. “Oh sweetie, I’m sorry. It’s just…Sabrina, how can I say this, wasn’t your daddy’s type.”
“Why because she was blonde?”
I doubted that he would be that discerning when it came to affairs. Even if he did prefer brunettes and my mom had auburn hair.
“Honey, there’s no way that your daddy is Cheyenne’s father.”
I could see in my mom’s eyes that she believed what she was saying, but I wasn’t convinced. “I know that you don’t want to believe that, and I totally understand why but—”
“Cash,” my mom cut me off. “Your father was gay.”
“What?” I asked even though I’d heard what she said.
She sighed. “He never wanted you to know. We thought it would be tough for you at school. You know how Firefly is.”
I stared at my mom trying to make sense of what she was saying. “What… Why…How long did you know?”
“Well, I had my suspicions right after we got married. Things just weren’t…you know working right. It was difficult for us to, how do I put this, be together. We did manage a few times and I got pregnant. With you. But after that everything between us just stopped.” She set down the knife and took a deep breath. “For years, I thought he was having affairs because he would stay out so late and be on the road any chance he could get and since we weren’t intimate I was sure he was getting it somewhere else. But the truth was, he was just avoiding time alone with me. Then, I don’t know, I think you were around ten, I told him I was leaving. That I might not have proof that he was cheating on me, but I knew that he was. At the threat of losing his family, he broke down and told me. He said that he wanted us to stay married, at least until you graduated, and I agreed.”
“Why? Why did you agree to that? You guys weren’t… He was gay. Why did you stay?”
“I loved him.” Affection filled my mom’s eyes as she spoke about my dad. “I really did. We might not have had a physical relationship but I loved that man. Your daddy was so charismatic, and funny, and he worked hard to provide for us. And I didn’t want to break up my family. We figured that once you were an adult, we would quietly separate, and then divorce. Your daddy was going to move out of state and start over, living a more authentic life. But right after you enlisted, he got sick, and well, you know, life doesn’t always turn out how you plan.”
My mind was swimming with questions as I tried to process and make sense of what my mom was telling me. “So he did have affairs, just not with women?”
“No. Not that I know of. He hated who he was for so long. He would get into these really dark places and I didn’t know how to help him. It broke my heart.”
“That’s what the depression was about?” I’d been so scared, for so long, that I would end up exactly like my father if I had a family.
“Well, I mean, when it comes to mental health I don’t think it’s a one-size-fits-all diagnosis sorta thing. But I know that struggling with who he was didn’t help.” I saw tears begin to fill my mom’s eyes. “It’s tragic really, he died never being able to live life as the man he truly was.”
“Mom.” I hated seeing anyone cry but seeing my mom cry ripped my heart right out of my chest. I stood to come around to hug her.
She sniffed back the tears and waved her hand dismissively. She never liked anyone to ‘make a fuss’ over her. “I’m fine, it just makes me sad when I think about it. But, you see now that there’s no way he had an affair with Sabrina. In fact, she was one of the only people that knew about your father. I told her after he told me and she said she’d known since the first day she met him, she just didn’t say anything because she figured it wasn’t her place.”
There were so many emotions flooding my system. Confusion and strangely enough, betrayal. I almost felt like my entire life had been a lie. “We’re you ever going to tell me?”
“I wanted to, but it was your daddy’s dying wish that you never know the truth.” She inhaled a shaky breath as tears filled her eyes once again. “I’m glad I told you, though. I think that he would be okay with it too.” She ran her hand along the bracelet that she wore in remembrance. It was a delicate chain with a gold urn bar with his remains in it and his name engraved on it.
Ignoring her previous dismissal, I continued around the island and pulled my mom into my arms. The bombshell she’d just dropped explained a lot of my childhood. Everything made a hell of a lot more sense.
“Plus, sweetie, your daddy had AB blood type and Cheyenne is O. There’s no way he could be her daddy.” She sucked in a startled breath and jerked her head back to look at me with wide eyes. “Oops, I guess I could have just said that.”
“I’m glad I know the truth, Mom.” I smiled as I hugged her again.
And now that I knew Cheyenne and I weren’t related, maybe it was time to face the truth of what I felt for her.
