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Things just are moving too fast, and I’m being swept up into this whirlwind.
“Listen, I don’t normally do secret relationships, but you were the one that agreed to that first date. You asked me not to tell anyone and I did, even though that’s always been a red flag for me. Now, suddenly your ex-boyfriend finds out about us and you want to slow things down?”
He storms off to his car, and backs out of my driveway.
“Please don’t leave!” I yell.
His car goes down the street, and my heart drops. Why is this so difficult? Either I want to date him or I don’t?
What the hell do I want?
18
BRODIE
Why did I let myself fall for her? She isn’t being honest with herself, and I refuse to put my time and effort into a relationship that isn’t going anywhere. I deserve better! It’s one thing to want to wait, but when you clearly are upset that your ex found out about us is a red flag. Why should she care what he thinks? From what she has mentioned, he didn’t treat her well, and definitely didn’t give her enough attention.
I knew better than to get involved with a woman with baggage because she obviously still has feelings for her ex or she wouldn’t be doing this. His opinion shouldn’t matter on anything but stuff involving Sherrie. I let my guard down, and now I’m kicking myself in the ass.
I sit in my driveway for a second, trying to calm down. Vanessa is a wonderful woman, but she needs to figure out what she wants. It’s impossible for me to give her everything unless she lets me in.
Things are going downhill, and I didn’t want to sit around and end up yelling at her, because that would ruin everything, so I left. It gives me time to calm down.
Me: I really like you, but you are letting your ex-boyfriend influence our relationship. You might not realize it, but you are. If he knows, then there is no reason to keep this a secret anymore.
Normally, it takes a lot to get me upset but Vanessa is going back and forth and I can’t keep up. Do I want to lose her? No, but I’m also not going to play games. Finding the girl of my dreams has been my goal, and I won’t sit around and waste time if it’s not her. The fact of the matter is I want a family, and sitting around in my late thirties and casually dating isn’t something I want. My forties are approaching and I want to be able to have fun with my kids, and I don’t want to be old and gray when they are toddlers. Time is of the essence and I have to be careful about who I waste my time away with, and right now Vanessa isn’t wanting to be in a relationship.
I get out of my car, and walk inside, going straight to my bedroom and getting under the covers. Something about this has me on edge, and I don’t like it. My father said something to me once that has always stuck with me. A woman can build you up, but that same one can tear you down until you feel like nothing.
I’ve always considered myself a good man, and someday I will find someone. Waiting around is difficult, but I have to keep my faith that there is someone out there for me. Whether that’s Vanessa or someone else.
Vanessa: We have been moving fast. Hell, I normally don’t sleep with a man without going on a couple of dates, yet here we are. I’m scared I’m jumping into something with you because I’m scared to be alone, and that’s not fair to you.
She is scared to get hurt so now she’s making excuses. Why can’t she just give me a damn chance to prove to her that I’m what she needs? Alone or not. No one wants to be alone in life, if they say that it’s a lie. As human beings it’s only natural to crave companionship, and there is nothing wrong with Vanessa searching for a man. Lee might have a problem with it, but once they broke up, he should have no say so in that part of her life. Why won’t she just let me in? Stop making excuses, and follow her heart. She wants to trust me, but something is holding her back. The fear of other people finding out about us is overshadowing everything else, and it shouldn’t.
Me: Scared to be alone? Whether that’s the case or not, you need to think about what you want. Do you want me to be with me? Do I make you happy? I literally wake up thinking about you, and you're on my mind all day. Can you say the same?
I deserve someone who wants to be with me, and as much as it hurts, maybe she isn’t the right woman for me.
Vanessa: Yes
Sometimes you have to let someone go, and it’s for the best. Maybe she needs some time to figure out what she wants without Lee butting into her life. Tina is the one that pressured her into going on a date with me. Vanessa needs to figure out what she wants, and then tell me. I can’t do this back and forth.
Me: Then what’s the problem? I get you’re scared, and so am I, but I’ve been clear about not leading me on. And right now, it feels like that’s what you’ve been doing. I deserve better than that. So you need to make up your mind.
I want to curl up in bed and let everything out. Why is it every time something is going good, someone else has to come in and ruin it? Something has to give. I shouldn’t have to be a complete dick to get someone, but the bad boys seem to not have a problem. Good guys like me are hard to find, yet when someone finds us, it’s like we have to work twice as hard. How does that make sense? Do women not want to be treated well anymore? They want to be the ones chasing after a man?
I need to stop before I’m up all night. After switching with Liam, I have an early shift, and it’s not safe to be without sleep. So, instead of going back and forth, I turn off my phone and go to bed hoping that she comes to her senses.
* * *
Four in themorning comes too soon, and I roll over to shut off my alarm, and then throw the blankets back over me. Why did I ever agree to switch with Liam? It’s too damn early to be up and working. The bed is comfortable and my eyes start to close, but I sit up. If I’m late the Chief will kill me, and I can’t afford to get written up. The thought of having to get up and deal with what happened last night is weighing on me, and honestly, I just want to start my morning out with some coffee before I even turn on my phone. Did she even reply back last night?
She likes me; that’s clear, but the timing isn’t working out. A part of me thinks we should have waited to go out, and maybe this would have worked out better. Tina pushed her to go out with me, and if we had waited, maybe we could’ve had a better start.
I leave the light off and throw on some clothes before grabbing my bag, and heading out to the truck. The ignition rumbles and I back out of my driveway, and maneuver the eight blocks to the station. The only person at the depot is Damon.
The door slams behind me, and Damon looks over his shoulder.
