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“I didn’t even know that could happen.”
“Neither did I, but apparently it’s more common than you would think.”
“So you’re not pregnant?”
“I’m not pregnant.”
“Wow.” He blows out a puff of air. “I’m sorry. I’m just trying to wrap my head around all this.”
“You and me both.” I lean against the counter, crossing my arms in front of my chest.
“Is that why you came to my apartment last night? To tell me that you aren’t pregnant.”
“Yep.”
“And there was no other reason?” He looks at me as if he’s willing me to say the words.
“After I left the doctor, I called Hannah. I was so confused and unsure of how I was feeling about everything. I went from not wanting the baby to almost disappointed when I found out I wasn’t pregnant. It was a lot for me to process so we brought in reinforcements.”
“Reinforcements, as in...”
“Jose Cuervo.”
“Gotcha.” He nods his head in understanding. “That would explain the clothes.” He gestures to my outfit, or rather Hannah’s outfit.
“What’s wrong with my clothes?”
“Nothing, I just know they aren’t yours.”
“And how do you know that?”
“Because I pay attention.” He takes a step closer to me but keeps a couple of feet between us. “So, you were saying?”
“Anyway, after quite a fewreinforcements, and some guidance from a very persistent best friend, I started to realize something.”
“And that is?” he questions when I fall silent.
“That I’m not as sure about love as I thought I was. Or at least that’s what I was thinking until I showed up at your apartment and another woman answered your door.”
“Go back. What do you mean that you aren’t as sure about love as you thought you were?”
“I realized something. Something I think I’ve always known but refused to admit to myself until last night.” I pause, pulling in a deep breath. “You were right. I don’t hate love. I fear it. Every single time I’ve gotten close to someone, they’ve hurt me. Each time was worse than the time before and I finally reached a point where I didn’t think my heart could take any more pain. So, I closed it off. I boarded it up and I shut myself off to the possibility of love. I never wanted anyone to have that kind of power over me ever again.” I knot my hands nervously in front of myself. “I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I could go through life alone and be happy with the choice I made. But then you came along...” I trail off.
“What are you trying to say, Blue?”
“I realized I was wrong. None of what I said to you yesterday was true. I do want a family. I want a husband and children and people to share my life with. I want all of that but I was too scared and stubborn to admit it to myself. Let alone anyone else.” I hesitantly meet his gaze, not sure what I’ll find when I do. “When I thought I was pregnant, the thought terrified me. I thought I was scared because it isn’t what I want. Turns out, I was scared because it is. It just took me losing everything to realize it.”
I let the admission settle before continuing. “I pushed you away because I thought it would be easier to lose you than to love you. I was wrong about that, too.”
“You’re going to have to do better than that, Blue.” A small smile tugs at his lips.
“You win,” I tell him simply, knowing he’ll understand.
“I’m sorry, can you speak up? I’m not sure I heard you correctly?” He holds his hand up to his ear.
I should have known he wouldn’t make this easy on me.
“You win,” I repeat louder.
