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"Oh no, don't tell me you're messy!" June clasped her hands over her mouth in mock horror. She pulled them away slightly and asked, "Okay, but really - are you messy?"
"Not exactly," Colin replied tactfully. "I'm…cluttered. Like organized chaos. Think piles but I know what's in each pile."
"Oh no," June said, sounding defeated. "You're one of those people who lives out of a clean pile of laundry and a dirty pile of laundry, aren't you?"
"Hey! I sometimes fold my t-shirts!" Colin protested. June laughed and groaned at the same time. "Please don't judge my house when you see it." June's pulse picked up a bit when she understood that Colin intended to invite her back to his house this evening. She could get over a bit of mess for the potential of something with him tonight.
"But before then," he continued, seemingly oblivious to June's heart rate or the renewed warmth in her belly, "We have to have dessert!" Colin turned around to the backpack he had carried, which June assumed to be his, as it was covered in patches from different camps and what looked to be an assortment of National Parks that were within easy driving distance of Colorado.
"What did you make me?" June joked, trying to look over his shoulder to see what he was digging out.
"I made you nothing," he said, finding what he was looking for. "We are making our own dessert." He placed a packet of graham crackers, a small bag of marshmallows, and a chocolate bar onto the blanket next to him.
"S'mores!" June cried, clapping her hands together as if she was a small child. "Oh my god, I can't think of the last time I made a s'more or roasted a marshmallow."
"Then it's been too long," Colin said thoughtfully. "You should always remember the last marshmallow you roasted." He took the two metal sticks they had used to roast hot dogs and stuck the ends in the fire to burn off any remaining residue from dinner, then handed one to June. He opened the bag of marshmallows and held the bag out to June, who delicately took one and slid it on to the top of the stick.
"Now the real question," she said, holding her marshmallow over the fire, just above the flames, "Is how you like your marshmallows. I can handle your mustard slander, but there is a correct answer to how to roast one of these babies."
Colin, who had been opening and splitting graham crackers and chocolate pieces to prepare, finally grabbed a marshmallow. He put it on his stick, then, to June's absolute horror, stuck the sugary pillow directly into the heart of the fire.
"I like them burned," Colin said, an evil grin sliding across his face.
June replied with buzzer noise, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Whitford, but that is the incorrect answer. We're going to have to ask you to leave now." June flicked her hands at him, motioning for him to leave. "The answer we were looking for was 'golden brown'." She rotated her marshmallow, attempting to toast every side equally.
"See, but this way," Colin took his out of the fire, where a dark crust had formed around the outside. He waved it slightly in the air to cool it, then gingerly slid off the crust and popped it into his mouth. When he had swallowed (and June's mouth had gone dry again), he put the remaining marshmallow back in the fire. "This way, I get multiple layers of burned marshmallow, so it's like I get three different snacks in one."
"You're foolish," June declared, removing hers from the fire and packing the perfectly toasted marshmallow onto a graham cracker with a small square of chocolate that Colin had prepared. Picking up the other half of a cracker, she used it to slide the marshmallow off, then held up the sandwich to Colin proudly. "Like riding a bike!" she said, impressed with her creation. She took a bite, enjoying the mingling of flavors and the way the chocolate had begun to melt. A smile spread across her face as she chewed, and Colin, who had finished making his s'more, tapped his snack to hers.
"Cheers," he said, eating his dessert. They made a few more each, until June was protesting that her stomach was too full to eat anymore, then she ate one more just to prove a point to Colin that she could.
"So," he said, leaning back and crossing his ankles. "What is at the root of your worry about teaching next year?" Wow, June thought. Way to just ask the question and go for it. She took a few moments, thinking as she poked the fire, arranging the coals just so, then finally decided to answer.
“I don’t know. Like I had great moments with some kids, but there was so much - the fights, the parent complaints, the student complaints, I just…I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I don’t have the energy anymore and I don’t have the patience,” June looked into the fire, unable to meet Colin’s eyes with her admission. It was so clear that he loved children, thrived on their energy, and was such a natural leader of young people that June felt embarrassed. She had basically just admitted she was annoyed by kids.
“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Colin replied, prodding the fire with a long stick he had found at some point throughout the evening. Colin had joined June in messing with the fire, however, every time that June had organized a set of coals, Colin toyed with her by knocking the pile over. “Things change, desires change -” June ignored the flash of arousal she felt at the word ‘desire’ from Colin’s mouth, “Take my parents, for example. After years of swearing they didn’t want children, my mom found out she was pregnant at 39. My dad was 45. They ended up having me, then my sister, and they were the best parents I could have asked for.” Colin sighed fondly. “They said they never felt regret, just changed their minds when the universe indicated that they needed to.”
“Do you want kids?” June asked boldly. Something about the glow of the fire, the fact that she could see shadows of Colin’s face and body, gave her courage to ask this question. Children weren’t a topic she had seriously talked about with previous partners, not since her college boyfriend. Back then, she had been firmly in the “of course children” camp, because that’s what you did - you got a job, got married, then had kids. At some point along the way, you found happiness, because other people did when they followed that path.
Colin thought for a moment, continuing to poke the fire, watching the sprays of sparks flourish into the night sky then dim just as quickly. “I don’t know,” he said, finally. “I think it depends on a lot of things. My partner, our living situation, our income, her desires. Whether or not Phoebe has a kid - maybe I’d be a great uncle? Or, who knows? Maybe I meet someone totally unexpected and just go for it? I tend to not plan things out in such black and white terms, and just think about things in the moment, using all the information I have.” He poked at the fire again. “You?”
Then it was June’s turn to be silent. “Two years ago, I would have said yes,” she replied carefully. “It was something that I assumed to be true, like the fact that I was going to teach until I retired. But the last few years have made me question a lot of what I thought to be true, and I feel like I can’t responsibly bring a kid into the world until I figure my own shit out, and I feel ready to support that. I used to love kids,” June’s voice trailed off as she admitted another dark truth.
“Thank you,” Colin said softly in the dark as the fire began to die down.
“For what?”
“For sharing.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For letting me share.” June and Colin sat quietly next to each other, the only noises being the wind swishing the leaves and buds, the pop of the fire, the far away laughter of children who would be getting ready for bed. Still silent, Colin slid an arm around June’s shoulder and pulled her close. She tilted her head, resting it on his shoulder, and continued to watch the glowing embers as if they would hold the secret answers - to what she should do tonight, to what would happen after she left camp. Already June was dreading Friday, wishing she could stay here, wrapped up in a pair of lanky arms surrounded by the tang of campfire smoke, the taste of burnt marshmallow and chocolate on her tongue.
“June?” Colin whispered to her.
“Yes?”
