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My heart races hard in my chest, and my body’s pulsing with needs. The festival calls to us in a primal way, demanding that we listen to our baser animal instincts. If I were home, where I’m meant to be, I’d already be dancing, letting my energy flow into the air, and fucking whichever wild lord I most fancied at the fest.
Valina always invites the entire population of the Darklands, and even the high folk cross over from their hidden realm to join us. Marline has an understanding with a lord of the sun court and Laetta tends to pair with shade fiends—lower demons unwelcome in the eternal realms or on the mainland. Unlike either of them, I’m simple. I don’t seek out anyone in particular, following where the nights lead me. But we’re not in the Darklands. We’re in fucking Magnapolis, where nothing is ever simple. Here, everyone’s too weak to feel the pull of nature. They’re all calculating and power hungry; fucking is a political move. I need it, and when I give in, I have to be far, far away from Reiks.
In a sea of weaklings, he’s the one anchor I’d seek out. I don’t doubt it for one second. And then he’d either reject my brazen advances, or I’d have to deal with so much fucking mess the next day.
So complicated. I should be at home, dammit.
“Alis…”
“Go back to your party,Natheran.” I assume he dislikes the name, hence my choice to call him that right now. He fucked me over big time tonight, and while I don’t have the time to give him a piece of my mind now, I will as soon as I come back from the Darklands.
For now, all that matters is getting myself away from the throng of common strangers before the celebration takes what’s left of my mind, turning me into a mindless beast running on instinct. Needs. I’m so close to losing it. I can feel it.
I finally reach the doors. The night is oppressively hot and I can smell sweetness in the air. I feel the phantom chords of a long-forgotten song whispering my name, demanding I join in the ageless celebration of life and death and renewal.
Though I have no conclusive proof, I’ve long suspected the festivals affect me more than they do my cousins, or most demis. My nature’s closer to the primal energy they celebrate.
I set off at a jog. Running is not easy. My body and mind are languorous, wanting nothing more than to give into leisurely pleasures. Cardio doesn’t qualify by a long shot. Still, I run, willing myself to go faster and faster, though my lungs scream and my legs get heavier at every step.
I’ve only just crossed the gates of Five when I have to stop. Each step is physically painful, and if I’m not careful, I will pass out.Passing out isn’t an option today. I need to release my energy. It’s been over six weeks since I’ve been able to, and the darkness inside me is getting stronger.
After Valina locked my powers away inside me the first time, she let me know my choice to not use magik was unnatural. My power’s a part of me, just like my hands or my heart, and according to her, not using them is like avoiding exercise altogether; after a while, my body is bound to protest. I thought she meant I’d get weaker. Boy, was I wrong. I produce energy every day, and not using it means that my body’s bursting, like a full bladder. No one likes to piss themselves. My lapses in control are perhaps less embarrassing, but so much more destructive.
For lack of a better comparison, I piss on the festivals. It’s an appropriate, safe time for me to let my power flow without direction. But the veil between the worlds is thin when the entire community of magik users performs spells, and my mind isn’t entirely my own.I’m full of needs and instincts, half wild with hunger for things I usually deny myself.
By the time I reach the edges of the woods,I’m hunched forward, suffering cramps as I walk through the grove leading to the tower. Almost there. I should have gotten away earlier. Why did I trust Reiks to keep his word? I ought to have set an alarm and paid attention to the time myself. It’s close to midnight and the songs are about to start. When they do, Iwilllose myself in the spells.
This isn't good. Honestly, in my state, I shouldn't even attempt to join the circle of witches of Five. On any other festival, I've joined the celebrationmuchearlier, and by the time the primal forces were called forward, I was ready. Right now, I'm on edge, restless, desperate to let go. If I give in, I know exactly what's going to happen. The shields Mar put into place will rip open and all of my powers will take over, with no one able to control me in the vicinity.
This entire day was a huge mistake. I'm moments away from losing it, all because a spoiled little prince wanted to use my name while schmoozing dozens of equally privileged asses. I'm heading right to the Darklands as soon as I'm able in the morning, and I'll tell Valina about the Anderkanian regalia. She can handle it. I'm not folding under the will of Natheran Reiks ever again. Good luck to his next buffer.
"Here you are, feather.”
Oh, for fuck's sake! I turn on my heels to face the asshole who’s responsible for my predicament with a snarl. "What in the shade are you doing here, Reiks?"
I'm doing my best to stand up straight and conceal just how weak I feel.
Well, no,weakisn't the right term for my state. The energy churning inside me is anything but. I could tear down palaces brick by brick. In fact, I'd love to. The thing I endeavor to deny inside me is ready to lash out. But my body? It’s so feeble a newborn fawn could overpower me. It's been engaged in a battle for years, and it's losing. My mind is much, much stronger.
I should be with my family today. The Frejr clan is the only thing even remotely capable of keeping me in check in this part of the world.
"I'm here to help you, Alis." Concern's written all over his features, which is rich, given the fact that I'm in this situation because of him.
"Help me?" I laugh bitterly. "Like you helped get me out of there on time?" Anger rises to the surface in waves, overpowering my aches and tiredness, and at first, I'm glad, before recognizing it for what it is. I can feel my powers infusing the air, coaxing me into setting them free. I have just enough strength to growl, "Go away."
I sound bitter, and perhaps I am, but I’m mostly trying to save his life, undeserving of my care as he might be. I’m losing it, and I have no clue what I'm capable of, unleashed, untethered. The last time I ran unchecked, my powers free to do as they pleased, they razed, shattered, and plundered, slaves to my mood. And I'm in the mood to make Reiks pay for using me. For forcing my hand.
The idiot takes a step forward."I'm not going anywhere, feather."
I guess he sees me as the rest of the world does. Someone irrelevant. A weakling, easy to dismiss. I have to spell things out for him. "I will kill you, you understand that?" I snarl. "It won't even take any effort at all.”
The fool ignores me. "I know what you need."
My laugh takes me aback and terrifies me; it's completely void of warmth. I don’t sound anything like myself at all. And I feel a little better. My limbs are lighter, my heartbeat slows. I don’t think I control what comes out of my mouth. "I needed to be home. I practically begged you to leave me be tonight. And what did you do?" I'm shaking with the effort to control the fiery rage bubbling to the surface. In the past, when I've caused harm, it was unintentional. This time? A part of mewantshim to suffer. The only thing holding me back is the knowledge that if I give in, it'll make me exactly what I've strived not to become my entire life. A monster.
There's a reason the eternal realms and the mortal kingdoms stand apart. In the first age, back when there was no barrier between the worlds, immortals could destroy mortals without any effort at all. Hard not to, when their bodies and mind are so easy to tear apart.
"You need," he repeats, stalking toward me, like he's the hunter and I, his prey, "to let go. You're wound so tight at all times, feather. Locked inside your own flesh. It's a wonder you haven't yet snapped."
