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“I get that but you feel the way that you do based on your moral code but my moral code may cause me to beat myself up over the things I did in my past even if it seems insignificant to you. It’s all perspective. My point is, just because you’re consumed with guilt over the things you’ve done, it doesn’t mean that the answer is death. Sometimes the answer can be as simple or as complicated as change. So again, I’ll ask you. If I were beating myself up over what I did in my past and I didn’t feel like I could live with myself anymore, would you tell me that I should kill myself?” I ask.
“No, of course not.” She scoffs.
“Okay. Well, why do you feel that you should stop living because of your guilt? Isn’t change an option?” I look at her.
I can tell she’s not convinced.
Chapter 43
Calder
I’mprettyimpressedwiththe way I’m handling these conversations around suicide and not being triggered as much as I thought I would be. I’ve been so nervous since leaving the hospital that I’ve been overestimating every encounter, not giving myself a chance to really put what I learned to the test. It also helps to hear Axel speak about learning to forgive yourself but as I look at Julissa, she seems to be more focused on the bag of meth in her hand than on anything he’s saying.
I take her fidgeting hands and cup them in mine causing her to look at me. “Hey.” I smile at her when she does.
A slight smile comes up on the side of her lips. “Hey,” she says.
“I know there’s not much that I can say, I mean, I can’t beat what Axel said. He spelled it out perfectly. All I can say is I’ve been where you are and if you’re willing, I know you’ll be able to get through it and I’ll be there next to you to help you if you want me to. Let us help you. I can’t force you to make the choice that I would like for you to make. I know you’ll do what you want to anyway with your stubborn ass.” I tug on her hands playfully. “So, what do you say? Will you at least think about it?” I ask.
“Sure,” she says with a smile but I know she’s dismissing me. Do I want to insist that she walks away from this? Yes. But I know it’s not my choice. I know from experience that it’s something you have to want to work through. We could always isolate her here but with the Julissa I used to know, paired now with meth, I don’t know what to expect from her if she feels cornered and there’s no escape. So, that’s not an option.
I have managed to shift the mood though, it seems, as she’s stopped fidgeting as much with the small bag of meth as she stares at the three of us now with a more pleasant smile. “Enough about me. What about you? What have you been doing with your life?”
I laugh a little, dropping my head. “Well, I just got out of the psych ward, so there’s that,” I say since we’re all sharing confessions here.
They all turn to look at me in shock.
“Are you okay?” Julissa asks me with a hand on my shoulder.
“Oh yeah, a lot better now. I mean, things are still a bit shaky but I’m way better off now than I was when I first went in. I’m on meds and shit. I guess that’s why I’m handling this shock so well.” I laugh.
“Congratulations on taking the steps to better your mental health,” Axel says, patting me on the back.
“Yeah, man. Good for you. I’m proud of you,” Mikhail says, looking over at me with his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped between his legs and a smile on his face.
I nod. “Thanks, I appreciate it.”
“Yeah, Cal. Well done.” Julissa smiles before saying, “Well, that’s a relief. I’m not the only psycho here.”
I crook my eyebrows at her. “Uh, I’m pretty sure you are.” I laugh and she shoves me.
“Axel?” she asks.
“Well, um, as I said, I’m pursuing a path that helps me to help others. I’m getting my BA in psychology,” he says.
Julissa nods. “That makes sense.” She sticks her index finger up in the air with a smile. Axel breaks his stiffness to breathe a laugh out.
“Mikh? What about you?” she asks.
“Me?” He looks up and straightens himself like he was just struck in the back with an arrow.
“No, the other Mikh in the room. Yes, you,” she teases.
He clears his throat and rolls up his sleeves. “I uh…well, I’m engaged,” he says and I’m about to congratulate him when I see that Julissa’s eyebrows are raised.
She nods. “Wow, engaged, huh?” she asks and I can see something that I can’t be sure if it’s jealousy or not. “So, does she know you’re here?”
He shakes his head in a rush, his eyes shooting open. “Oh no, of course not.”
