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I followed behind Marcus as he moved through the house, frowning all the way at what I was seeing. When I'd first moved in here in the beginning of the summer with my... Vivian... this had been a family friendly home, complete with picture covered walls. There'd been photos of all their family get-togethers, holidays, birthdays, and school photos. Vivian had been intimidated and angered by the happy family hanging up all over the walls, smiling down on all of us. She'd tried to convince Marcus to take them down at one point, and he hadn't given into her selfish desires and I couldn't blame him for telling her no. Our family hadn't been happy and there hadn't been pictures to replace them with, not that you could ever replace your loved ones in such a way.
But they were all gone now, the happy family photos having been taken down. The walls were lonely and bare.
"What happened?" I asked curiously, needing to know where his family had gone, where their smiling faces had been taken to, and hoping like hell their absence had absolutely nothing to do with Vivian's death and my moving out of his home.
He looked back over his shoulder at me, an eyebrow arched in question.
I cleared my throat as I threw my hand out and gestured toward the bare walls. "Where have all your photographs gone to?" I looked around the room we were standing in, the living room. There was absolutely no personality in this space either, no personal touches, no knickknacks. Only furniture was housed here and a whole lot of nothing else. "Where is everything?"
Marcus shrugged his shoulders carelessly. "Everything is still packed up in boxes for the moment. I haven't had the time to unpack everything yet and didn't want to have to pay someone else to do it for me."
Hmm...
For some reason that made me incredibly sad. I didn't like thinking about him being here and alone in this house that had once been such a happy place for him and his family before his wife had died, and his children had grown up and moved out to live their own adult lives.
Then Vivian and I had come along, moved in, and turned his whole world upside down after he'd been nothing but kind to us.
And now he was here, all alone, with most of his life packed away in boxes. I wasn't responsible for this change in his life, I knew that. But it was hard not to think about how if Vivian hadn't sunk her claws into him, then maybe he would have found a different woman to invite into his home, a decent one, one deserving of his attention and love. Maybe if we'd never come into his life, then he would have ended up with that kind of woman and wouldn't be living here all alone now. Or, maybe he actually would have moved on and close to his brother's widow, and eventually gone for what he really wanted out of life.
I knew it was stupid to waste my time thinking about these things when I knew there would never be any way to change them, to make the outcome any different from where we already were now.
"Do you want some help unpacking things?" I asked in a quiet voice, as I followed him into the kitchen. I was glad we weren't heading toward the dining room. I had bad memories in there. Not from actually eating in there at the huge table. Thankfully that hadn't happened, but because I'd once come home from school to hear him having sex with Vivian in there on that very same table. The thought of sitting down in a chair there had my face burning in embarrassment. As far as I knew, Marcus was completely unaware of my having heard him having sex. Vivian, however, had done it on purpose in hopes I'd come home and hear her. She'd been really creative when it came to her many forms of punishment. That particular act on her part had been a punishment for my getting too close to Marcus when she felt he only should have had eyes for her.
Sometimes I forgot just what a bitch she really had been.
"If you want to find a day that works for you and come over and help me unpack some things, sweetheart, I would truly appreciate it and I'm not about to tell you no."
Marcus moved to the coffee pot on the counter. He reached up to the cupboard above and pulled down a black coffee mug. He placed the mug on the counter and pulled out the carafe. He poured coffee in the mug and put the carafe back. He pushed the coffee mug across the countertop and in my direction.
"We'll save the scotch for after you've been decently caffeinated," he teased while smiling softly at me.
I loved that he knew just how much I loved my coffee. It could be the middle of the night and I would still want to brew a pot just for myself.
I picked up the coffee mug happily and moved toward the refrigerator. I set it on the island before opening up the fridge door and reaching in for the milk. Marcus sat a container on the counter next to the milk jug I'd sat there. I thanked him quietly as I put both milk and sugar in my coffee. Heavy on the sugar of course, because that was the best part in my opinion.
I stirred my coffee with the spoon he'd placed beside the sugar container, and then moved to put it in the sink.
I sipped my coffee, humming happily, while he watched me. He stood in front of the counter beside the sink with his arms crossed loosely over his chest, completely at ease in his own kitchen.
"I didn't invite you over here just so I could have coffee with you," he admitted regretfully in a quiet voice. "I've got something I'd like to show you and want your advice on."
I frowned at him in confusion. Marcus needed my advice on something? That seemed unreal to me because he was an incredibly smart man, and I was just a seventeen-year-old girl. What could I possibly give him advice on?
"Marcus?" I asked in confusion. "What do you need from me? Tell me, and if I can help you, you have to know that I will."
Marcus, like Rain, could ask me for almost anything, and if I had it in me to give it to him I would. In that moment realization slammed into me enough that I had to drop my mug down to the counter and take a staggering step back. I slapped my palm down on top of the counter beside my mug as tears stung the backs of my eyes. I had always known Marcus meant a great deal to me, but it wasn't until that moment that I knew, I fuckingknew,that I loved him just as much as I loved Rain. Marcus was just as important to me, and even though I'd known him for less than a year, I knew there would never come a time in my life where I would be happy to have him not taking an active role in it. It would break my heart into tiny little pieces if he were to walk out of my life and never look back.
All these people in my life now that I loved was really doing a number on me emotionally, because it wasn't something I had ever experienced before and not something I knew what the hell to do with now that I had them. I didn't ever want to disappoint anyone, and I wasn't even sure how to love that many people, even in a strictly platonic way.
I hated Vivian more than I ever had in that moment, because just how much she'd fucked me up in the head was becoming all too real to me and I didn't quite know what to do with that either.
"Are you alright, sweetheart?" he questioned hesitantly.
I nodded, not willing to tell him about what I'd just discovered. I had already told Rain I loved him today, I wasn't ready to tell yet another person the same. Part of me worried I would be giving away too much of myself to people who could potentially destroy me if they ever figured out how undeserving I was of their love and just how lacking I could be.
What if I told Marcus I loved him and he didn't say it back? What's worse, if I told him, he said it back, and then went on to throw it back in my face later on? It would crush me, maybe even kill something vital inside of me, and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't put myself out there that way. Not in a way that would leave me so vulnerable. It was too soon since the last time I'd laid myself bare before someone else.
Thoughts of Dash moving above me, moving inside of me, flashed inappropriately in my mind. Yeah, I really didn't need to think of being vulnerable at the moment, nor did I need to think about the time before last I had put myself out there in such a way. Marcus and I weren't ready for that kind of conversation and I hoped we never would be.
