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I knew this because she’d announced that revelation our freshman year after her first day of Psych 101. Yep, one psych class and she was an expert on the workings of the human mind. When I’d tried to argue with her about it, she’d simply waved my objections away and said our codependency was healthy, that it was my relationship with Kayla and the mental scars that my parents left behind that were the toxic issues in my life.
“You’ve always looked out for me, and I probably wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for you taking care of me, but you need to let go a little bit. I’m an adult, and I promise you, what I have with Leo is special and it is mutual. I’d appreciate it if you respected my decision, as crazy as Leo liking me may seem to you.”
The look on her face would have been funny if I didn’t see the hurt in her wide eyes. “I just don’t want to see you destroyed again. It’s painful, Hannah, to watch you emotionally harm yourself over and over again. It’s like watching you cut yourself and not being able to stop you from slicing into your skin.”
My stomach clenched at that brutal imagery—and I had a sudden revelation of my own.
Shit, why hadn’t I thought of it before?
Joy’s cousin had killed herself when we were kids, and Joy had taken it hard. I remember having long discussions with her about death, me trying to deal with losing my sister and Joy trying to deal with losing a cousin who’d been more like a sister than her own. At twelve, these had been hard conversations, and it had been a dark time in both our lives, but we’d gotten each other through it.
It had been Joy who’d been there for me when Tiffany had finally died after spending months in a coma. It had been a hard, bitter process, made all the more difficult by my parents’ inability to face reality. At twelve, I felt more like an adult than they did as the doctors argued that they were merely prolonging Tiffany’s suffering by claiming they had faith she’d wake up cured. When their faith had failed them and they went insane with grief, it was me who’d ended up talking to the funeral parlor on the phone when they’d called, needing details for the ceremony. Thankfully, Joy’s mom took over and dealt with the arrangements after I asked her what I should dress Tiffany in for the funeral.
My heart briefly ached, the remembered pain of attending my little sister’s funeral, of watching her go into the earth, still had the strength to wound me all these years later. Then again, I guess you never really got over that kind of loss, and it would pop up when you least expected it. A song would remind you of them, or a joke they’d find funny, and you’d think about them like they were alive for just a moment, just a taste of what life used to be like when they were there to light your world.
Then you’d remember they were gone and your heart would die all over again.
“Look, I swear to you, Leo is a good guy. I got to know him this weekend and I really like him. Please, just give him a chance. It’s not like we’re getting married or anything, we’re…” I couldn’t think of how to put my complicated feelings into words. “We’re building something good.”
Once again, that familiar protective look came into her eyes, but without the fire. “I don’t know if a weekend fuck-fest really counts as getting to know him, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, he could have easily taken advantage of you at the club, or just tossed your ass into a cab, but instead he personally drove you home then carried you to bed. And the look he gave you as he left after bringing you home…my panties combusted just from being in the same room as you two. I figured he’d come back, I just didn’t expect you to disappear for three days when he did and return dripping in diamonds. Then again, you are a sweet young thing. Bet he hasn’t had pussy as tight as yours in years.”
Not liking the thought of Leo being with any woman, I chucked a throw pillow at Joy’s head. “Shut up!”
Wiggling her fair eyebrows in an obscene manner, she giggled. “Mmm, yeah, nice, fresh college girl snatch. Bet he ate it like a fat kid left alone with a hot batch of his favorite cookies.”
“Knock it off, weirdo, I have to get ready for Leo.”
“I bet you do. He’s gonna be all, ‘Oh, Hannah, I’m so glad you trimmed your beaver for me.’”
