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I don’t think we have but I don’t say this. It all seems so hopeless and I miss him so much. If it weren’t for the children I don’t think I would have gotten out of bed this morning.
Should I text him? Should I extend the first branch?
No. I need to let this sit for a while, as crazy as it will drive me. We need space to organise our thoughts. This is all going to come to a head eventually and I’m not sure poking the bear at this point will help us resolve anything.
Or maybe it’s my need to shy away from conflict that is making me weak?
Am I weak? How does one spot weakness in themselves when weakness is overcome with strength?
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t have an answer for that.” Sipping my drink I rest back and close my eyes. Jeanine moves behind me and plays with the ends of my hair. It’s one of the nicest feelings in the world.
“It’ll all work out. You and Nathan are such a lovely couple and he loves you more than the earth.”
“I know he does; I just wish he knew that I felt the same.”
“Have you told him that?”
“I thought I had,” I murmur. “There’s only so much a person with deep set insecurities can absorb, I guess?”
“He’ll get past it.”
“Probably. Will I, though? There’s only so much a deceived person can take before they lose the ability to trust.”
“You’ll heal. He just has to step up and show you he can be different.”
Too right. “I don’t think he’s going to.”
“Silly man. I’m so sorry, Gwen.” She releases my hair and pinches my cheek. “You get off and go have a nap before you have to start work. You look wiped.”
“I am,” I honestly reply. “Though I doubt I’ll be finding solace in sleep anytime soon.”
“You’ll work it out. I have faith.”
I’m glad somebody does. “Thank you again for having the babes. I pray they’re well behaved.”
“Nonsense, they’re just babies. They don’t know how to be naughty on purpose.”
I wish that were true. Laughing a little, I hug my friend and allow her to lead me from the house. Such a long drive home lies ahead of me. It feels daunting knowing that I’m escaping to an empty house, one that brings me nought but pain at present, although the house can’t really be to blame in this scenario.
“Screw it,” I whisper to myself as I put the car into drive with only one destination in mind. Sleep won’t help me now; keeping busy will. I just know that if I go home to a house that smells of Nathan, I won’t be able to resist calling him and begging for him to come home. Life seems bleak without him but it also seems bleak with him when I think about how he’s made me feel lately.
“You are three hours early,” Kerim comments when I walk out of the staff area. I managed to avoid his view upon entry. The kitchen is empty save for Kerim and Patience working on updating the menu. They were both absorbed by what they were doing.
“Is that a problem, Chef?” I inwardly plead that it isn’t but keep my face blank so he doesn’t feel pressured into allowing me into his kitchen.
“Not at all, I could use your insight.” I nod and tighten my jacket as he assesses me in my uniform. “You’ve lost weight.”
My clothes have been feeling looser. “I’ve been working hard.”
“It hasn’t gone unnoticed.” He winks and steps to the side so I can see what he and Patience are working on. They have notes scattered around numerous saucepans on the counter. I’ve never been a part of the menu creation. This is exciting. “Try them all. Sniff them, taste them, try the texture on a spoon and let us know which one you favour.”
I do so, tasting the different flavoured soups. There are so many that are tasty, it’s hard to know which one to choose. That is until I taste a certain type of vegetable soup that is divine. I’ve never tried a soup like it.
“That one,” I tell them both without hesitation. “I want to eat the whole pan.”
Kerim claps and yanks the spoon from my hand to try it himself. “I told you, Patience.”
“I still think the lentil soup would be better,” she grumbles, but he ignores her.
I help to clean as he finds the recipe in the notes and sets about making another batch for when the others come in. That’ll be a while yet.
“Why are you here so early?” Patience hisses and I know she’s going to be annoyed with me purely because I’ve interrupted her private time with Kerim. When is she going to make her move? How can she live like this? I’d be losing my mind pining for somebody for so long.
