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“Nothing from behind,” Cornell said, nodding with his mouth clamped shut. Ali watched how his already dark eyes stormed with waves of emotion—anger, fear—growing more and more unilluminated as they were swallowed by despair.
Ali had to look away, to step back from him, to catch her breath.
“It’s all I fucking think about,” he admitted, pulling his T-shirt back over his heaving chest. “Him hurting you like that.”
Swallowing, Ali trembled. I made it worse by trying to protect you.
“So that’s what you need?” She croaked. “You need to know everything he did so you don’t make a mistake?”
Cornell shook his head silently.
Ali sniffled and dropped her bag. “No, I think you do. You obviously know you were right about him all along—”
“Ali, don’t—”
“I was wrong,” she continued raising her voice. “Iread him wrong. Every moment I was nice to him. Every moment I looked out for him, that was wrong. Because that showed him I cared. That made me weak. I showed him I was weak.”
Cornell stepped in front of her. “You aren’t weak.”
Ali shook her head emphatically. “I was,” she told Cornell. “But I’ll never make that mistake again. I’ll never let anyone know I’m weak enough to yank out of a car. I’ll never let anyone know I’m weak enough to drag on the concrete.”
“Please. You don’t have to do this.” Cornell leaned down, begging her with his eyes.
But his plea wasn’t strong enough to pull Ali out of the water this time.
“Here’s what you don’t do, Cornell. Don’t ever slam me against the hood of a car. Don’t press your hand so hard against my face that my teeth cut the inside of my mouth.” Cornell straightened and backed away, the distress and shock on his face unable to stop Ali. “Don’t put all of your weight on me so I can’t breathe. Don’t keep going when I say stop.”
“Ali, please,” Cornell begged, tears dripping down his face. “Don’t do this.”
She continued between shuddered breaths, choking on her own snot. “Stop when I tell you not to touch me. Stop when I beg you not to grind yourself against my ass so hard that it hurts. Don’t ever pull my pants down while I’m twisting away, trying to stop you. Don’t pull my underwear so tight it feels like a rope slicing into me. Listen to me when—”
Cornell crouched in front of her, eyes round, desperate. “Baby—”
“Don’t,” Ali began before needing to take a deep breath. “Don’t put your hands on me—your fingers inside ofme—when I say no.”
He was breathing so loudly that Ali could barely hear his voice when he spoke, trying to reach out and cup her cheek. She quickly stepped back, shocked by her own words, the first time she had said any of what happened aloud.
“I’d never do that to you,” Cornell choked on a broken whisper as his arm fell to his side. He placed both hands on his knees in front of her, trying to rein in the gasps.
“Of course, you wouldn’t! Because you’re a man. You’re maybe the most wonderful man on the planet,” Ali sobbed. “And I don’t just love you. I need you. Maybe what you don’t understand is how safe you make me feel. I want you to understand that now. When I got away before things got worse, I called you. I called you even though I knew your phone was off.”
Cornell’s eyes shot back to hers.
Ali began to stammer with trembling lips. “You’ve… you’ve reached Cornell Crawford,” she sobbed. “I can’t get to my phone right now—”
“Stop, please,” Cornell said, straightening. He reached out for her, but Ali backed away, wiping the tears and snot from her face with the back of her hand.
“I called you because I just needed to hear your fucking voice. I knew if I heard it—even just your stupid voicemail—I’d be okay. Because that’s how safe you make me feel. I’d listen to it and hang up and go home, and then you’d come home, and everything would’ve… but my phone slipped, it fell, and I looked down and… ” And then it went black.
Cornell didn’t ask, or wait, or give Ali the smallest chance to back away—he crushed her to him.
“I’m sorry,” he sobbed into her hair, littering it with whispers of heartbreak. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
Ali let Cornell hold her fiercely tight because even though everything hurt in his hold, Cornell’s touch hurt in a good kind of way.
His touch hurt in the kind of way that meant something.
Cornell lifted Ali off her feet and drew her in as close as possible, as if he now understood why she wanted to crawl outside of her own body and deep into his. But she couldn’t take any more apologies and pushed away, grateful that he relinquished his hold immediately.
