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Ali folded herself into his lap as she continued to hold him, the two of them a crying, blubbering mess. The river of guilt, anger, rage, and sadness was now undammed and freely flowing, exactly what Cornell didn’t want Ali to drown in.
But Ali continued to hold him. Her warm breath repeatedly saying, “I love you. It’s okay. We’re okay,” made Cornell realize that she still had her head above water just enough to keep them afloat when he was too tired to.
* * *
“It’s alright if you changed your mind,” Ali told him as he put the car in Park. It was the Monday following a gruelingly emotional weekend after Cornell agreed, through countless apologies, to sit with Linda.
“He’s not worth it.”
Cornell looked up at her. “You are worth it.”
Ali sighed. “That’s not who you are.” She shook her head. “That’s the kind of guy he is, not you. You could’ve lost everything tonight.”
Closing his eyes, Cornell sighed. Fuck work, he wanted to say, but Ali’s voice stopped him.
“I could’ve lost you tonight if you did something stupid.”
He pressed his lips together and opened his eyes. “I’m sorry.” It was all Cornell could give her at that moment. Because I still don’t know what I would’ve done. Scream at him? Out him? Hit him? Kill him? All of those things would have hurt Ali more than anyone else.
“It just might make you feel better to talk to someone,” Ali offered, running her hands through Cornell’s curls as he lay his head in her lap on the couch. He had gone from not wanting comfort from her of any kind to craving it, nearly afraid to leave her side, desperate to be held. “She’s nice. But if you want to talk to another therapist, maybe a guy, I don’t know… ”
Ali trailed off, her hand stilling. Cornell nudged her, and she sighed, resuming her movements. “I’m so sorry,” she spoke softly, her voice breaking. “I’m sorry you felt this way, and I had no idea.”
Cornell shook his head against Ali’s leggings. “Don’t.” He hated it too, maybe more, but that had absolutely nothing to do with Ali and everything to do with the person who hurt her in the first place. “I’ll go.”
Cornell could have lived with the anger. He could have lived with the guilt. What he couldn’t ever live with was the risk of taking it out wrongly on her again.
Shaking his head, Cornell unclipped his seatbelt. “I’m good.”
Ali nodded. “I’ll be here when you’re done.”
“Could you… ” He paused, tonguing his cheek. “Could you wait in there?” Cornell had no idea why the whole thing felt better knowing Ali was on the other side of a door.
“Of course.”
He gripped her hand tightly from the moment they left the parking lot until Linda opened the door in her office. “Come on in, Cornell.”
“I’ll be here,” Ali promised.
“Have a seat.” Linda motioned to a couch and Cornell sat. “Nervous?” She looked at his bouncing knees.
Cornell let out a breathy laugh. “Uh, anxious, maybe.”
“Have you done any therapy before?” Linda asked, reaching for a notepad from a table.
“Long time ago. When my mom died.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Did you find any help from grief counseling?”
Cornell chewed on the inside of his lip, remembering how he never went back after the first session, how his father never brought up the subject again. “Not really, but maybe I didn’t give it a fair shot. I was pretty young.”
And I didn’t have anyone encouraging me.So I just stayed angry and frustrated.
He listened as Linda reiterated that even though she was working with Ali, Linda upheld strict confidentiality.
“I want to make sure you don’t want to hold anything back because you’re worried about her.” Linda smiled kindly. “This is your time and place. Do you understand?”
Cornell nodded.
