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Chapter 24
Ali had been drowning for two months—in memories and nightmares, in guilt and shame. It was a panicked, isolating feeling. No one ever watched a person drown from start to finish, deep beneath the dark sea. No one saw how a person might try to clutch at this, that—at nothing—as they fought to take a breath. But Ali knew what it was like to try to furiously grab at something just out of reach to lift herself up into the air, to viscously cough and spew out the poison that was left inside her against her will, only to take a breath and have it happen all over again.
All that time, Ali thought she had been trying to grab onto Cornell, wanting him to expel all the bad.
But as he moved inside her, deep and powerfully, yet still with the slightest hint of caution, Ali realized she didn’t need Cornell to push out the bad. What she needed was for him to fill her with all the good. And in the hotel room illuminated by the twinkling lights of Dallas outside of the window and the hundreds of tiny votives scattered on the floor, Ali knew that the deep, dark, harrowing thoughts would still be there later. But so much good would join it.
There was the way Cornell looked at her when they first entered the room and when he told her the exact words she had been desperate to express to him since the day he had knocked her back into the night. “You’re all the light I need to see the good things in the dark.” But Ali could see more in the depths of his eyes.
Cornell looked at her like she was the only thing he could see when all the lights were out.
There was the way he touched her. Even though Cornell had gone out of his way to plan the evening, when it was time, she could feel the hesitation. Ali could have taken that for rejection. But she understood now, could feel it in his body, the way he loved her so much, he would do anything—and nothing—to avoid the risk of hurting her.
But when Ali whispered, “Take me back,” she knew in that moment that Cornell loved her too much to leave her feeling a little less good without him for another second.
And it had been slow at first, sweet, and gentle, exactly how the night began. There were nervous touches and sighs, and Ali wondered how after a year of being with Cornell, this night could somehow feel like the first time for both of them.
Perhaps, because on some level, it was.
Cornell shook, his long fingers filling her back up with pieces of her she thought she had lost along the way but never had. His warm gaze bore into her, and Ali felt his breathing grow shallow when his thumb pressed against her and she leaned harder into his touch.
This. Please. This.
Her eyes fluttered shut momentarily, but she fought against the reflex, watching Cornell’s teeth sink into his mauve bottom lip. His touch was still heavy with hesitancy, his eyes anticipating.
“Kiss me,” Ali breathed out. It will be the last time I ask, she promised herself. This will be the last time you ever think that any of this is wrong.
Cornell’s mouth captured hers and she groaned into it, her hands sliding from his strong, broad shoulders, up his neck and to his curls, clutching him. Her tongue found his, and there was something about the room, about the glowing lights and his fingers inside of her that made Ali mewl into Cornell’s mouth differently.
This, Ali silently begged as his fingers continued to delicately caress the inside of her. You and me like this. She knew Cornell understood that the noises escaping her throat, the twitches of her body, the way she clutched at him had nothing to do with fear and everything to do with need.
The soft touches hardened. The kisses he planted to her neck turned into sucking and nipping. Her hands in his hair went from being wound through his locks to pulling and tugging until she twisted them and they landed on the bed, his full body weight on hers. It was the warmest, most delicious blanket Ali could ever imagine.
“Cornell,” Ali whined when his mouth left hers and trailed down her body. She wanted to stop him, but couldn’t, overwhelmed by the emotion behind each press of his lips, as if he were trying to leave a trail of unspoken apologies for the past and wishes for the future beneath her skin.
Cornell’s gentle breath between her thighs didn’t last long before he was devouring her, and Ali was torn, trying to surrender to him in the moment and not rush to what she needed the most. But when Ali lifted her head, looking down at him and met his eyes, dark, warm and so loving, she couldn’t wait.
“Stop.”
Wide eyed, Cornell flew back.
“Us,” she told him, pushing up off the mattress and onto her knees. “It’s about us.” Ali didn’t want to think about the darkest night, about Graham, but a powerful thought seized her. He did this to us. “I want us,” she panted.
“Come here,” he whispered firmly, holding a hand out for her.
Ali quickly climbed onto his lap, her body melting down when Cornell’s large hands rubbed up and down her sides, waiting. From just above him, Ali pressed her lips to his ear before whispering, “Don’t close your eyes. Watch and see how perfect we are together.”
Cornell’s hands tightened their grip on Ali’s hips as he let her slide down lower, taking him in. Ali heard it, the catch of Cornell’s breath in the back of his throat, the moment he realized that it just wasn’t possible to ever break something that fit together so perfectly.
Ali rocked softly and smoothly at first because when they locked eyes, part of her felt like their souls were welcoming each other back and the thought was so sensual and beautiful it was almost paralyzing.
Almost.
Because then it became blissfully Ali and Cornell—passionate and rushed with sweet, tender streaks painted throughout, the tiniest pauses when he would press his face to hers, nose to nose, and hold her gaze, tenderly telling her he was there. But it wasn’t enough. Ali needed to be grounded by him, the size and strength of his body covering her from her head to her toes. Their feet grazed the pillows when she pulled Cornell back down on top of her, laying the wrong way on the bed.
“Touch me,” she whispered against his lips as he moved inside of her. “I want all of you. Everywhere. At once.”
Ali realized just how much she had been missing Cornell when his hand slid from its place cupping her cheek down her body to her center and she burst against him.
