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“No. But Mowgli breathing in my face woke me up,” she said, slipping under the blanket. Cornell could feel the heat from her bare legs as they settled beside his. “And I really don’t like sleeping without you.”
He was about to apologize when she continued.
“What I said this morning… about us, about you, I didn’t mean it. It was a horrible thing to say. I’m so sorry.” Her voice was so sad it gutted Cornell, and he immediately went to turn around when her hand on his back stopped him.
Cornell shook his head. “Don’t be.” Cruel words come from hurt. He squeezed his eyes shut, remembering how dark Ali’s had been that morning—there’s just so much fucking hurting here.
“I am though,” Ali said. “I haven’t been thinking about how this affects you.”
He couldn’t stand the idea that the thought even crossed her mind and tried to turn again. “Ali—”
“Stay like that, please. Because with the light, I’ll see your face, and I can’t right now.”
Cornell swallowed heavily. “Why?”
He could practically hear her chomping on her lip. “Because I broke your heart once today.”
Shaking his head against the pillow, Cornell corrected her. “You didn’t break my heart today, Ali. It broke for you. There’s a difference.” He shuddered and instinctively bent his knee, locking his foot between her soft legs, unable to stand the smallest distance any longer.
“I don’t want to see it break again. I can’t.”
The hair on the back of Cornell’s neck stood up and an eerie, nervous feeling struck him. Don’t run. Not again. We’re past that. We’re better than that.
“Why would it break again?” Cornell’s foot flexed between her legs, anchoring himself. “Ali?”
“Because,” Ali began, “I need you to promise me something.”
Cornell gulped. “What?”
“For better or worse, right?” Ali moved closer, her breath fanning along the middle of his back.
“Forever. I mean it.”
Ali’s legs nervously danced around Cornell’s foot. “I need you to be brave with me. Because I don’t think I can get through this without you. I was… I was trying to protect you. I didn’t want to tell you everything because I knew it would break your heart. I knew you’d feel guilty.”
I do. God, I fucking deserve to go to hell.
Cornell didn’t know how it was possible for his heart to break anymore. He didn’t even know what pieces remained. Whatever was there, guilt was strangling it in a tight hold.
Pressing her forehead against Cornell’s back, Ali took a deep breath as if she was trying to inhale whatever strength she could from him. Cornell inched closer—take it all from me, baby. Whatever you need, it’s yours.
“I went to that therapist again today.” Ali paused, lowering her voice. “It just all makes it so real, Cornell. I don’t know how that makes any sense because sometimes it’s so real, I can feel it.” She shuddered, and Cornell could hear that soft, rubbing sound. He reached back, finding Ali’s left hand, and pulled it forward, around his waist.
Stay with me. I’m here. You’re here. We are here.
Ali clung to him.
“I need you to promise to love me if things get worse. Because I feel like they might before they get better. I might have more freak-outs, I might have more dreams, I might need to tell you things that are hard to hear. And I’m so afraid it will be too much—”
“Can I turn around now?” Cornell asked, biting the inside of his cheek. “Because the only thing breaking my heart is not holding you.”
Ali relinquished her hold so he could turn, and his hand found her face as his other dropped to her waist, his thumb tracing over her damp cheeks and lips. “I told you, for better or for worse. For always, okay?” He pressed his nose to hers. “Every step of the way.” Ali nodded against him. “I’ll never not feel guilty. Because, Ali, I swear, deep in my bones, I knew—”
“You did,” Ali said, sniffling. “And there was a moment that night, Cornell, before he even got out of the car that I knew. I just didn’t want to believe it. But the thing is… ” She trailed off, and Cornell felt her hand leave his chest and latch onto her arm. He quickly grabbed it.
“Stay here, Ali. Stay with me here.”
Ali squeezed his hand, trying to hold onto him instead of slipping back. “What happened wasn’t your fault, and it wasn’t mine, even though we knew.” Leaning her forehead against his, she breathed him in again in such a way Cornell knew her next words would be hard to say and hard to hear.
