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“Well, uh . . . yeah. ”
“She’s played stupid long enough, figured one of these times she would open up,” Stella mumbles.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Dani continues, ignoring Stella’s comment.
“Yes,” I breathe.
Her eyes widen a fraction because she carefully closes her shock down. Or maybe it’s excitement. Either one, what my friend is not hiding is her happiness that the subject isn’t being dropped.
“So, all right. Let’s do this,” Maddi exclaims, rubbing her hands together.
I laugh, letting some of the nerves leave my body. These are my friends. I’m safe here. They won’t judge me and they won’t think badly of me. I keep reminding myself that there is nothing to be afraid of as each of them sit back and wait for me to speak.
“Uh,” I stammer. “So you know he’s been . . . persistent?”
Maddi laughs, “Is that what we’re going to call it?
“Okay, maybe adorably annoying with his determination would be better?”
They all laugh at me and my nerves ease instantly.
“Don’t keep us waiting, Megan! What is going on up there?” Maddi asks on a laugh, reaching over the table to tap me lightly against my temple.
I swat her hand, enjoying the easy banter between us. Sobering slightly, allowing the serious thoughts I had been having minutes earlier to come back, I look at each of these girls that have come to mean so much to me.
“Things got a little intense last week,” I start. Each of them lose a little of their smiles. “I guess. . . . well, I—damn this was so much easier to word in my thoughts. ”
“Just start from the beginning, babe, can’t see a better way to clue us in on what’s weighing heavy on your mind. ”
I give Dani a small nod and a weak smile when she stops talking.
“The beginning, right. ” I look over at Maddi and Stella. “Do you two know about . . . did you hear that we, uh, had a little sleepover?”
They look at me and I can tell they’re both struggling to hold onto their laughter. Did I just really call it a sleepover?
“I hope it wasn’t little,” Maddi belts out, causing Dani and Stella to erupt in giggles as my face heats to a roaring burn.
“Oh, God!” I clasp my hand over my mouth and shake my head.
“Is that a no? It wasn’t little?” Stella giggles.
I look at her and narrow my eyes. “For your information, not that it’s any of your business, he is far from little. In fact, he was so, uh, well endowed, he had to really work at it!”
Shit. Dammit. Did I really just admit that?
“Explain,” Stella says, leaning forward, her face the picture of seriousness.
“No, please don’t,” Dani gripes.
“Ignore her. Finish. Explain. ”
“Jesus, Stell . . . that’s Lee you’re talking about. ”
“Lee has a dick, rightowardt. He’s always been selective with who he dates and you know just as well as I do that he didn’t bring anyone into our group so I never got to grill anyone. I’m curious, screw me. I bet he’s hung. He’s hung, right?”
“Do you want a tissue for that drool?” Maddi mumbles and rolls her eyes.
“Maybe, I don’t know yet. Finish!”
Page 37
“This is so embarrassing,” I tell Stella, then look to the other two girls. “If you don’t want to hear it, cover your ears or leave the room. ”
Dani instantly pulls her hands to her ears and starts humming, loudly. Maddi makes not one move to shield her hearing; she just cocks her brow and waits.
Looking back at Stella with burning cheeks, I give her what she wants. “He was so large that he had to work me over twice with his mouth, then again with his fingers. By the time he finally gave me every single thick inch of himself I should have been embarrassed with how wet I was. Happy?”
Stella throws her head back, her recently dyed purple hair falling in a thick wave of curls as she laughs at the top of her voice. Maddi on the other hand is just smiling and nodding her head. When I look over at Dani she looks like she might puke, obviously she wasn’t humming loud enough.
Pulling her hands away, she looks at Stella. “You are sick, my friend. God, I’m never going to be able to look at him the same again. ”
My face flames even brighter.
“There isn’t a thing you should be getting so worked up about over there. Jesus, Megan, you would think you were a virgin with all the blushing you’re doing. ”
I narrow my eyes at Stella.
“I told you what you wanted to know, no need to be rude now. ”
“I’m not,” she says in an offended tone. “I swear. I just want you to feel comfortable with us. Promise. ”
Maddi reaches out, all traces of joking gone from not only her supportive gesture, but also her expression holding nothing but understanding. “He was—please don’t think I’m being insensitive here—the first? Since Jack?”
I nod.
“There isn’t one thing that you can’t talk to us about, you know that?” she continues and waits for my confirmation that I understand before opening her mouth again. “What was Jack like?”
Given the subject of our chat, her meaning can’t be missed.
Step two in knocking those walls down, here I come.
Time to stop holding back when it comes to telling people about my past.
“Timid,” I tell them truthfully. “The first time we had sex it was so awkward. We had been nothing but friends, but with where we were at that point in our relationship, it was the next logical step. ”
True enough, I tell myself.
“And after that first time?” Maddi requests, clearly deciding she’s the self-appointed leader of questions since I opened up to her first.
“A little less timid, but still awkward. ” Instantly I feel my stomach start to cramp. Admitting how our relationship had been to myself had been hard enough, but letting others know is a whole new level of painful. Not to mention it feels like I’m stomping on his grave mentioning how unfulfilling our sex life was. “I loved him, but we were probably the most dysfunctional couple in the history of ever inside the bedroom. ” My words come out quickly. Just like ripping off a BandAid.
I can tell they don’t understand. Of course they don’t, they only know half the story.
“Okay,” Maddi coughs. “So, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that those times you were together were few and far between? I mean no disrespect, I promise, I’m just trying to understand. ”
I give her a small smile.
Give them more, Megs. It’s okay.
I shiver when I hear Jack’s voice in my mind. Well, not his voice, I’m sure. If my mind wants to play tricks on me so that I keep going, fine. I can’t go back to the old Megan.
Baby steps.
“He was deployed during most of my pregnancy and was only home for two weeks after her birth. He shipped back out again and the only other time he was home was for a few months when she was one. He died during that tour shortly after Molly turned eighteen months. Needless to say, he was gone a lot, but even when he was home . . . ”
I trail off and remember those times he was home. Those times had been all about Molly. He loved her so ferociously. We did things as a family and when Molly had been asleep for hours, we did what we had always done best, spent long hours just enjoying the other’s companionship. Hours spent reading to each other, him enjoying some of my books or whatever project I was working on, sometimes just helping me hash out some plot point I had been stuck on. He was huge on board games. We would spend so many hours just laughing over whichever game we had picked up.
What we didn’t do often was have sex.
“We slept together the night before he shipped off . . . that last time, and that was almost four years ago. ”
Page 38
Dani rea
ches up and brushes a tear off her cheek.
“I loved him,” I meekly say in Jack’s defense. And I did.
“We know you did, babe. No one here thinks differently,” Maddi speaks first and the others nod in agreement.
I take a huge breath. Then another. Then I speak again. “That night, with Liam, I felt the earth move. ”
Stella snorts when Dani gags and just like that, the heavy mood is lifted.
“Go on,” Maddi encourages.
“The way he touched me. The way that felt. The way he felt. All of him. His strong body covering mine made me feel delicate . . . fragile. And the way he talked to me, my God the way his words alone worked me up should be illegal. ”
“Okay, so Lee is good in bed, can we please move on!?” Dani snaps.
