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serenity
26 YEARS OLD
When Ashley brought me back to the cabin, I told him I needed some space. Which turned out to be the best decision I’ve made in a long time. I’ve spent the last week focusing on cleaning the cabin, gathering my thoughts, and fully mourning the loss of Aunt Fran. I’ve not only mourned the loss of her life but the relationship we shared that summer and the years I wasted holding on to senseless anger. Why was I so mad at her?Did I let my parents’ attitude toward her influence my own opinion? Even if I had tried to come here with an open mind, the seed had already been planted. Then Adam watered it with his lies. There was a fraction of truth due to their history, enough to fill me with doubt, but I was the one who took it and ran with it. I pushed the wedge between us. Not my parents. Not Adam. Me.
I harbored such rage and resentment. Convincing myself she’d betrayed me and placing the blame solely on her. To this day, I still don’t know why. Young and stupid? Needing someone to be mad at? An outlet for my own unhappiness? Did I push my own guilt for longing for Ashley while dating Adam into the situation? Was I so quick to use her past transgressions against her because I was ashamed of myself? It doesn’t make sense, and worse, it might never make any sense.
I’ll never be able apologize to her, no matter how sorry I am.
I’ll never be able to make it right, no matter how much I want—no, need to.
I’ll never be able to right this wrong and mend the wounds from the time I wasted.
It’s a hard lesson that I, unfortunately, had to experience to learn. I wish more than anything I could go back in time and be who I am now, but I guess that’s how I became who I am. Maturity and wisdom come at a cruel price. Then again, some people still don’t learn anything over the years. At least I’m growing. Or, I hope I am.
I practically threw myself at Adam. I knew I couldn’t have Ashley because he was older, so I romanticized everything about his brother. Every red flag that waved at me I practically stood at attention and saluted. Adam was an asshole, but he wasn’t entirely to blame either. The entire time I was pining for his brother. The brother I knew he resented and was envious of. No wonder Adam was so angry when we showed up. I slept with Ashley and vanished to which I’m sure he took that as my final fuck you. Or did he suspect all along I was wanting Ashley?
When I finally did share myself with Ashley, I just as quickly abandoned him. In a way, I used him. I didn’t mean to, but I did. I was hurt, angry, and selfish. That entire summer he had been there for me, and I wanted him so badly. I still do. The years didn’t heal that ache, but I’m not sure if barging back into his life is the right thing to do.
It’s a mess. We all played a part to get to where we are now. I hate it, though. I want to make the past right, but it feels like I’m trying to salvage what’s left of a burnt house. Can it ever be a home again? When the roof is gone, the walls are ashes, and all that remains is the foundation? I’ll have to rebuild and salvage what I can. It’s going to take the one thing I’ve wasted enough of: time.
