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ChapterTen
The moment I stepped outside into the fading sunlight and filled my lungs to bursting, my stress faded away. I knew I was just leaving it at the threshold for the time being. As soon as I headed back inside, it was a burden I’d have to pick up once again, a weight that would settle heavily back onto my shoulders, but for now I was free.
I followed the stone path away from the looming shadow of Divinity Prep and into the fading twilight. The moon peeked over the edge of the trees in the distance, hinting at what might lie beyond. The city was in the opposite direction, so what was on the other side of the forest that made up Divinity’s border?
There was a slight temptation to venture through the dense trees and find out, but the last time I’d gone off alone in unfamiliar territory hadn’t turned out so well. I’d stick to the grounds for now, maybe check out one of the gardens I hadn’t spent much time in. It wasn’t often I got to enjoy them alone.
My mind drifted as I walked, inhaling the cool night air and letting it cleanse my over-stressed soul. It helped a little, at least until my thoughts turned to that night in the city.
No matter how I tried to block it out and put that night behind me, whenever my guard dropped, those haunting memories surged to the forefront of my mind and blotted out everything else. But then, I supposed that was fair, right? After all, I’d taken those lives, so it was only right that they should plague mine.
It was self-defense. And saving someone else. And an accident.
Spinning it did nothing to lessen my guilt. In fact, the attempt made it heavier, a weight that draped over me and threatened to drag me down. I had to find a way to come to grips with what had happened, but I couldn’t get out of my head long enough to figure out how. Add in that I couldn’t tell anyone, and it seemed to be an inescapable situation.
If only I could talk to Mom again. She always knew what to say, what I should do. But there was someone I wanted to talk to more, only that was impossible. Even now that I knew I was a goddess, he was still beyond my supernatural abilities.
Dad.
He had always had the answers and would give it to me straight. One of the few times I could remember hearing my parents argue had been about his refusal to “coddle” me. Mom had asked him to soften his approach with me, but he’d argued it wouldn’t prepare me for the difficult life ahead of me.
Looking back, he’d been right. He and my mom had both known what was coming for me since the day Alvina had placed me with them. Thanks to the strength they’d imparted, I had managed to survive my time at Divinity.
So far.
My chest ached with a loneliness that was in danger of crushing me under its unbearable pressure. I could almost feel my father’s presence, just out of reach, just beyond hearing distance.
I shook my head to try to clear away the feeling, but my throat grew tighter when I realized where I was.
The scorched patch of grass under my feet made my chest constrict and my anger flare white-hot.
It was the spot Varon had put on his show for everyone the morning after we slept together.
And then burned my father’s shirt. The very last thing I had of his.
As quickly as it had ignited, my rage burned out. I was left with an emptiness that hollowed my bones. The realization I didn’t have a person in the world I could turn to without fear of rejection made my knees too weak to keep me upright.
Dampness seeped into the fabric covering my knees as they impacted the hard ground. The energy it would have taken to slow my descent was something I just didn’t possess.
I was so tired. Tired of feeling alone and overwhelmed, tired of being afraid of not only those around me, but of myself and what was within. Tired of not even really knowing who I was.
Help me, Dad.
The mental plea came unbidden from somewhere deep inside, and to my surprise, I didn’t feel like an idiot. Thinking that somehow Dad could hear me made him feel just a bit closer.
I feel so lost in all of this. No one knows what I’ve done, and it gets harder to conceal it every day. Should I tell someone? Or should I find a way to leave here? If I could just go back to my old life, I know none of this would matter. I could move on and do all the things I always planned. Law school, my own firm, a family… it could still be mine.
I never expected my father to respond, but when he didn’t, the crack he’d left in my heart when he died widened a little more. Dropping back until I sat on the grass, heedless of the damp now seeping into the ass of my pants. My hands fell to my sides. The green blades pricked my fingertips, hardened from being scorched.
Back and forth, I let my hands run over the mark. This was all that was left of him now. The ashes of the shirt must still be here. If I could just touch them, would they give me that connection I needed?
Letting my eyes fall shut, I concentrated on my dad.
A glint of light off his glasses while he pushed them back up his nose for the millionth time. His deep brown skin contrasting with my own light brown when he wrapped me in the tightest of hugs.
I sniffed as tears gathered behind my lids, and I could have sworn I smelled that woodsy scent that always said “Dad” to me.
That thought was the last blow my heart could take and finally broke the dam holding back those pesky tears. Unlike the torrential flood I may have expected, each tear escaped slowly, tracking down my face like a death march.
