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“He has a thing for you, too, though. You guys just act like elementary kids pulling pigtails and calling names.”
“I think burning my dad’s shirt and getting my phone confiscated is a little more than a pigtail yank.”
“That’s fair, but he doesn’t hate you like you think he does. Whatever’s between you, it’s not hate.”
Yeah, that was something I was coming to understand after our recent closet encounter. Didn’t mean I had to like it, or even embrace what it could mean.
“You’re changing the subject. Ben?”
“I told you, he’s a nice guy, but there’s nothing between us.”
“Do you want there to be? And resist your knee-jerk reaction to deny it. I’m not gonna judge you, and I promise not to tease you either. Be honest.”
When she bit her lip, a strangely un-River-like reaction, I knew I had her. She’d been about to say no, no matter what she truly felt.
“He’s different when we’re alone. When we’re studying and hanging out, he’s so… I don’t know, I’m not sure how to describe it. Like when I’m not having a great day, he’s determined to know why and make it better. I’ve never known anyone like that before.”
“Never? None of your exes ever tried—”
“No exes.”
I drew back, unable to mask my physical denial. “Not possible.” River was gorgeous, and I’d seen more than one guy outside our circle watching her as we walked the halls of Divinity.
“Well, no serious ones, anyway. I’m not the most open person. I guess guys don’t like that.”
“You’re a marshmallow, Veronica Mars.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Show reference. Riv, it might take a little more to crack your shell, but there are absolutely men out there who are willing to take the time to break through it. If he’s going out of his way to learn what’s upsetting you, then Ben may very well be one of them. Seems like that’d be worth exploring.”
“I thought that before, and it didn’t pan out too well.”
She didn’t offer up any details, examples, nada. I should really become a dentist with all the teeth-pulling she was making me do.
“Come on, let’s walk a bit. It’s too cold to stand still.” I hooked an arm through hers, and surprisingly enough, she didn’t tug it away as we started down the block. “So, what happened?”
“It doesn’t matter, it was a long time ago.”
“River, we all go through things in our pasts, and it shapes who we are. Whatever happened made you who you are now, at least in part, so it can’t be all bad.”
“There was a boy at my high school who was kinda like Ben. He’d spend time with me and always asked me about what I thought and how I felt.” She paused, lost in memories as we meandered down the street.
“He sounds like a great guy.”
“That’s what I thought. I looked forward to seeing him almost every day, but once I opened up to him, he started to act like I owed him for taking the time to get to know me.” Her arm flexed where mine was hooked through, and I knew it was about to get a whole lot worse. “He got verbally abusive first, but he was smart enough to keep it a little vague. The things he said were easily brushed off as the result of a bad day, or twisted so that I’d ‘misunderstood’ what he meant.”
I knew people like that, and it made me furious for her. They were the worst kind, the manipulators who made you question if you even had any reason to be mad, or if you were overreacting to nothing.
“I’d never questioned myself before, not like I did with him. I’ve always known who I am, and I’m okay with it. But he made me wonder if there was a reason I was always alone, if it was because I was closed off and angry. I got scared that if I didn’t change, I’d lose him.
“I was so different by the time it was over. No smartass comebacks, letting people say whatever they wanted to me with no repercussions. And no one pointed out the change in my behavior because no one was close enough to me to notice. My parents didn’t see it because I was the same as always when I was home, otherwise they’d have sat me down and lectured me to death.”
I liked River’s parents. I’d never met them and I never would, but knowing they’d have made sure she didn’t lose herself for some asshole guy made them top-notch child-raisers in my eyes.
“It went on like that for a while before he decided berating me wasn’t enough and he decided to get physical.”
I stopped dead. River had no choice but to stop too, since my hold on her arm had become a vise. Demands sat on the tip of my tongue: his current address, his social security number, his blood-type. Anything that would make it easier for me to find and repay this mystery man.
