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I closed the blinds, plonked myself down on the yellow sofa beside the desk and sighed. I’d known when I’d jumped on the plane back to London that I was walking into a shitstorm, but I hadn’t anticipated Robyn’s news on top of all of this.
I didn’t blame her. Even though we all know how babies are made, I could understand how simple it was to find yourself in that situation. I’d also got pregnant ‘by accident,’ so I knew all about getting swept away in the moment. Especially if you’d been working as hard as Robyn had and then were offered the chance to finally let your hair down and have some fun.
No. Although she clearly thought it was, in my eyes, getting pregnant wasn’t Robyn’s mistake. And even though her not telling me had caused huge problems for the business, I also understood why she hadn’t fessed up sooner. In truth, the mistake that Robyn had made was not being honest with herself.
Her failing was taking on more than she could handle. Believing, despite the evidence suggesting otherwise, that she could manage the business, the baby and all the other new challenges happening in her life and keep up the façade of convincing everyone that everything was fine. But now that everything had come crashing down around her, she realised it wasn’t.
The penny had finally dropped.
Although the thoughts racing through my head were initially about Robyn, thesheI was now referring to wasn’t her.
It wasme.
I suddenly realised that, like Robyn,Iwas living a lie. ThinkingIcould have it all.
Thinking that all I had to do was follow the plan. Stick to the schedule, follow some rigid routine, and I could be the perfect mum, the perfect girlfriend, have the perfect life and still run a business successfully.
Thinking that just by making a little list, I could solve all my problems.
Thinking I had everything under control, when the reality was I didn’t. I was running myself into the ground trying to keep on top of things and pushing myself to do everything perfectly. I couldn’t continue like this. I needed a different approach. Otherwise I’d end up unhappy, just like I was before. I had to tackle this seriously. Permanently. Something had to give.
Having it allwasn’t about having an amazing career, husband and family like society tells us. Having it all was about having everythingyouwanted.
I’d said this before to Roxy, that night at my fortieth birthday party when Lorenzo had first invited me to Italy. I’d told her that success wasn’t about having the biggest agency. It was about having the courage to step away from convention and make the choices that were right forme. But since then, I’d chickened out, got caught up in following my list and lost my way.
But no more.
Just like that, I decided.
It was time.
Time to let go.
Time to prioritise.Properly.
I knew what I wanted. Whathaving it allmeant to me.
Just like Albert had said before he died, it was happiness and love that was important. And that meant focusing on my new life with Leo and Lorenzo.
It was time to sell the business.
I was finally ready to hand over the reins.
Once and for all.
