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“No,” he whispers. Continuing, he says, “I care about your well-being. But, this relationship, it’s over for me. I believe what we once had was good, but I’m not feeling it anymore. I need a change. It’s time for me to move on.”
“Move on? Nick, we’ve been engaged for four years now, and we are supposed to be getting married in the Spring. Whatever it is, we can work it out, okay? We need to work on communicating better. We just need to talk it out. You need to tell me why you think you should go. I’m sure whatever is bothering you, we can figure it out and come up with a solution. We always do.”
“I’m beyond frustrated at always having so much to do, Stephanie,” he shouted, the anger startling me. Clearing his throat, “I’m so damn fed-up of living this way.”
“Living what way?”
“Oh, my God! I think you know exactly what I’m referring to, Stephanie,” he snaps, his anger rising again.
“Why don’t you just say it? Go ahead, get everything off your chest.”
“I’m tired, Steph. I’m tired of feeling like the only reason I’m here is to be your caregiver, and all that comes with that job. Extra responsibilities fall on me and I am tired of them. I’m tired of always putting your needs and wants ahead of my own. Even when I don’t feel well, I still have to do things for you. I’m tired of hiding my anger because I am resentful. I give my all and in return, I get little to no time for myself. God, Stephanie, I’m so frustrated trying to act happy while I’m deeply depressed. There is too much pressure on me and I can’t take it anymore. I’m exhausted from pretending I’m okay. There is nothing okay with me. I’m mentally and physically fucking drained! For my personal welfare, I need to get the hell away from you,” he professed.
I’m furious he blindsided me with this. “What the fuck? I never had a clue you felt this way. Dammit! I would have appreciated a heads up before things got this freaking bad. We could have gone to counseling or something. Thanks for holding all that in and exploding all at once; thanks for making me feel like such a hindrance. Wow! I expected nothing like this from you. If you had shared your true feelings with me before now, we most likely wouldn’t be in this situation. Dumping everything on me at once, saying it’s final, then walking out? What an asshat move. Clearly, in your state of mind, you’ve lost all of your compassion. Well, I hope you’ll be happy, happy, happy without me.”FUCK!I can’t believe this is happening.
“Seriously? I told you to leave it alone, but you couldn’t even do that for me! Did you even care when you heard me say I’m depressed, exhausted, and unhappy? Don’t bother answering that. It’s over, Stephanie. We’re done. I’m moving out.”
“Oh, I heard you. I heard everything you said,” I spit out. Humiliated and thrown for a loop, my soul feels as if it’s dead, my heart crushed. My dignity and self-esteem just took a nosedive. Nick just unleashed so much animosity, bitterness, and resentment on me out of the blue. I truly did not know he carried around these feelings. I thought he enjoyed taking care of me the way he did. Thinking ahead, he always made sure things got done to prepare for whatever situation we were in. Silly me, I thought it was part of his personality, of who he was as a man. He never let on he was feeling burdened. Even though he just broke me, I fight hard not to show any more emotion. I’ll be numb until he leaves. Nicholas Sinclair will not see me cry for him. We could have avoided this situation. I don’t understand why he chose to not talk to me a long time ago. It’s clear the man I fell for is gone and the one who stands before me is cold, overblown, and further away from me than ever before. Clearly, this man doesn’t deserve the love I gave him all these years.It’s really over.
“Then you understand myaffliction?”
Looking into his cold eyes I stand my ground, “I understand if caring for me is such a burden on you, then you should do us both a favor and get the hell out already,” I toss out at him. “Go get you some rest!”
Once he has all his belongings out in the hallway and I hold his set of keys in my hand, I slam the door and lock it.He left me! He really left! Oh, God!
I swipe at the tears that slip down my cheeks. Finding my phone, I call Ashlynne, lucky to find her at home instead of at work or out on a date. “Baby girl, could you possibly pack a bag and come stay with me for a day or two?”
“Sure, sweetheart. Everything okay?” She asks.
“I just need my sister. Be careful out there, okay? And, Ash, don’t forget the booze.”
“Uh-oh, I’ll be there soon. Love you, sweets.”
“Love you too, baby girl.” Ending the call.
???
Hot tears run down my face when I’m in the shower. That all-too-familiar hurtful pang of rejection starts in my stomach. I wish I was stronger, that I wasn’t so vulnerable. My feelings are always on my sleeves. I can no longer hold it together as the loud sobs take over.
The world isn’t as accommodating to me as it is to most people, but I never wanted to be anyone’s burden. Now I can’t trust what any man says because Nick lied to me for years. It makes me wonder what else he lied about? We weren’t perfect together, but I thought I had my forever. Now I’m believing I’ll never find true love and the happiness I dream about. Living my life with a disability is hard enough, but finding someone to love me regardless of my special needs and limitations feels impossible. A caretaker is not what I want from a partner. I want a lover, a companion, a kindred spirit, and a father for my future children. I want a man who looks past the imperfections and loves me unconditionally. That dream will probably never come true for me.
Finishing my shower as the water cools, I towel off and dress in my most comfy PJs. They’re yellow with pink flowers and lavender owls all over them, a Christmas present from Ashlynne a few years ago. My sister and I share the love of collecting owl items. For my last birthday, the big twenty-fifth, she gifted me a gorgeous watch. The band is in the color of teal, adorned with a rose-gold owl in the center, his wings stretching out as the hands. She was so amused the day I told her I got the job at Owls Books and Cafe. “It’s just so fitting,” she replied.
I’ve just put the food in the microwave when Ashlynne knocks on the door and uses her key to let herself in. “Thanks for coming over, Ash. Are you hungry? I’m just reheating some Mexican takeout I picked up on my way home. There’s plenty.”
“Sounds yummy, I’d love some. What can I do to help?”
“If you want to fix us both a glass of soda and take them to the coffee table, we can eat in the living room. I’m ready to trade this power chair in for the recliner.”
We eat in silence as the TV plays, mostly for background noise. The details of what happened with Nick have yet to be disclosed. I need to get food in me before I tackle that obstacle. I hear my phone signal a text message and I grab it quickly to see if Nick has changed his mind. It’s Taylor sending a group message between her, Jade, and myself checking to see why I’m not logged into our sprint writing group on Facebook.
ME: “Sorry, something came up. Won’t be writing tonight. Talk tomorrow.”
JADE: “That’s okay, sweetie. We will catch up tomorrow.”
TAYLOR: “Hope all is okay. We’re here if you need us, hun. Goodnight.”
ME: “Night girls, thank you.”
