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She could not imagine that. Briggs was one of the most charming men she had ever known. At least, when he was intending to be. He could also be hard, and frightening, it was true. She liked him that way, if she were honest. But when he was engaged in discourse in public, he was nothing if not the consummate rake. Witty and delightful, and jolly good company.
‘I did not find it easy,’ he repeated. ‘I did not understand how to speak to children my own age. I was left largely to my own devices, and my interests were... My own. Hugh practically trained me to make friends.’
‘Hugh did? It seems to me that you are the one most likely to make friends of the two of you.’
‘I am a fast learner,’ Briggs said. ‘A good study. A brilliant mimic.’
‘Modest as well.’
‘No. Never that. I will always be grateful to him. I will always owe him a debt. And this... Is surely a poor way to repay him.’
‘Or,’ Beatrice said, ‘it has nothing to do with him. I should like it if what I want could be separated from him and what he wants. Utterly and absolutely.’
He looked at her, long and hard for a moment, his dark eyes glittering, darting back and forth as though he was doing some sort of mental calculus. ‘I see you as a whole person, unto yourself,’ he said. ‘Please don’t mistake me. But your brother will not. And... As I said before... He knows a bit too much about me for... For him to avoid making assumptions about our relationship should he discover we have one.’
‘Of all the things, Briggs, who would’ve thought that the scandal you truly wish to avoid is someone thinking you have shared intimacies with your wife.’
His lips curved up at the corner. ‘It only shocks you because you know so little about me.’
‘You can tell me more.’
‘We will speak after dinner.’
‘I should hope that we will speak at dinner,’ she said.
‘Yes. But that is where people will see. And who we are away from others... That is where true honesty is, is it not?’
She shivered. He spoke the truth. She knew that he did.
It was as he’d said before, about polite society. All of these people who enforced proper behaviour... They did not necessarily engage in such behaviour themselves, and what was more, they knew fully that beneath the glittering veneer of the surface, many others did not. It was meant to corral the innocent and the powerless, more than anything else.
But who they were when they were alone... That was freedom.
And as long as she got a taste of it... She could endure it being between herself and Briggs only.
In fact, it felt lovely. Like a secret. No, not a secret, like a precious gem that you might conceal, so that it is not stolen or tarnished by anyone else. Like something too beautiful to give away.
And then he left her. And she knew that now, she had only to wait until after dinner.
Where he would make good on his promises, and she would find...
She did not know what exactly. Only that there was a certainty, bright and burning in the centre of her soul, that told her tonight she would find a piece of herself.
Chapter Thirteen
Dinner was a study in torture. But Beatrice had come to accept that torture was a part of all of this. At least, between herself and Briggs.
That feeling that she was guarding something precious and rare intensified. Yes, she was disappointed that he was going to withhold... Certain things from her. Not even thinking further down the road that he would be withholding a baby from her, but that there was an intimacy that was... That he was not willing to give.
But she had the sense that it was a common intimacy. Perhaps, the most common. And that what was about to take place between herself and Briggs was not common.
They ate dinner across the table from each other, and she did feel as if they were strangers, observing customs that simply didn’t matter. That had nothing to do with the two of them. With Briggs and Beatrice and all that they could be. All that they would be.
For the first time she felt... Special. Not like she might be less, but that she might be more.
She was careful not to overfill herself, and when dinner was finished, she stood.
‘I am ready to retire,’ she said.
