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Beatrice had no experience of running a household, but she had watched her brother and her mother do it in decent fashion for a number of years. She did not feel fully confident in her position, but one thing she did feel confident in was her connection to the boy. It was loneliness. It echoed inside her, and she knew that it echoed inside him as well. She knew that he felt the same sort of isolation that she did. It did not matter if they were the same, or different, those feelings she knew.
And she would not rattle around this house doing nothing. She could not do that.
‘Perhaps we should speak to His Grace.’
‘You are welcome to speak to His Grace,’ Beatrice said. ‘I am not sure where he is. I am not sure what his routine is. I only know that I must make my own. And I should like it to include William.’
The governess was wary. ‘William can be a difficult child,’ she said.
‘I’m continually warned of this,’ she said. ‘I held him last night when he was overtaken by terror in his sleep. I understand. When I arrived he was quite upset. But I do not think that makes him difficult.’
‘I love him,’ his governess said. ‘That is not what I mean.’
‘I be
lieve you,’ she said. ‘And I wish for you to believe me. I do not wish to toy with this child. But I have married His Grace, and I... I must find a reason to be here.’ She had not meant to say that. Had not meant to expose herself in such a fashion. Or their marriage. For it was nobody’s business that it was not a true union.
Though they had forgone the traditional honeymoon trip. And indeed any sort of honeymoon phase.
She did not know how they might express that, but she had a feeling it was not as they had been these past days.
‘I want to be a mother to this boy.’
‘Forgive me, Your Grace,’ the governess said. ‘His own mother did not care for him, and I am quite protective.’
Her stomach went tight. ‘My father did not care for me,’ she said. ‘I was blessed to have a wonderful mother, however. But even so, I know what it is to have a parent who does not care. And to lose that parent quite early. I do not wish to cause him harm. And I promise you that should he become upset, I will bring him to you.’
‘Thank you, Your Grace. What am I to do with my time?’
‘Whatever you wish,’ Beatrice said. ‘Take some time to rest. Or read.’
‘Oh, I don’t...’
‘Do not worry.’
Beatrice went to the kitchen and asked about having a picnic compiled for herself and Master William. She was met with slightly quizzical expressions, but nobody openly questioned her. And she spent the next hour considering what she might wear out in the garden.
While she was being dressed, she took a moment to ponder the absurdity of it all.
She had been a spectator in her own life for a great many years. Subject to the commands or the whims of those in authority over her. Even if they did love her. And here she was, taking part in running a household, caring for a child. She was deeply surprised and pleased by all of it and she might be confused about everything with Briggs, but it didn’t matter. She had not had any of this a week ago. Not this home, not this child. Not the sense of purpose. Husband was inconsequential. And she did not have unlimited freedom, it was true. But she had more freedom. Or rather... A different sort of freedom. A different sort of life. It might not be an adventure around Europe, no grand tour. But she had taken a small one sitting on the floor with William this morning.
And it was not mouldering away in the country. Well, she supposed she was mouldering away in the country, but it was a different part of the country. So, there was that to be cheerful about.
* * *
In the end, she was deeply satisfied by the blue dress that her lady’s maid put her in. It was a light airy fabric, and she attired herself in a fichu to cover the swells of her bosom. It was not ballroom, after all.
But she looked... Entirely like the Duchess of the house, and not like the child she had felt like only a week before. She was a woman. As close to making her own decisions as she possibly could be, at least, to the best of her knowledge.
* * *
Time had passed quickly, and before she knew it was time to collect William.
The boy that she found stubbornly sitting in the corner of his room, was not quite the amiable chap she had met this morning.
His dark head was lowered, and his face was fixed into a comical scowl. He had dark-looking circles under his eyes.
‘Are you tired?’ she asked.
