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‘Beatrice,’ he said. ‘Sit down with me.’
‘I will.’ She sat. But then she immediately wanted to stand back up. So she did. ‘I cannot,’ she said. ‘I have too much energy.’
‘All right. Then we will both stand. Beatrice, my problem is not that... I can trust you. Yes?’
‘Of course you can. I was going to marry you.’
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I know. And I should have told you this before you were committed to that. But I did not want you to change your mind. I did not wish to lose your friendship.’
‘You cannot lose my friendship.’
‘I might yet. But I will... Beatrice, I do not wish to have a true marriage with any woman. Because I do not have... I do not have the ability to love a woman.’
‘Why do you think that?’
‘Because I wish... When I think of my life. When I imagine who I might find happiness with... It could only ever be a man, Beatrice.’
She felt... She did not know what to think of that. She did not know what to make of it at all.
‘Oh. But you cannot do that,’ she said.
‘No. It is against the laws of the King. And I could be imprisoned for it. Or killed.’
‘Oh.’ Yet again she felt as if there was something she was missing. What did anyone care who James wished to give his heart to? Why should there be laws? It made absolutely no sense. ‘I do not see why it should matter. Should we not all be able to find our own happiness? Why can we not? Briggs told me today that I would never find freedom. And he was not being cruel. He was correct. I cannot find freedom because as a woman I can never own anything. All money that is given to me is charity. The houses I live in belong only to men. And when I marry Briggs... He said I will be his ward. Not his wife. And that is his determination to make because... He is a man. But you’re a man also,’ she said. ‘You cannot be free either, can you?’
‘Beatrice...’
‘Why is it that only certain people are allowed to have happiness?’
‘Beatrice, I cannot begin to understand why the world works in this way. What I do know is, as long as people like you, and people like me, are determined to be happy, we will find ways. We do not need the permission of others. I’m thankful that you are my friend. That you look at me, and you feel no judgement. But you were willing to be my wife as you were.’
‘I wish I still could be,’ she said.
‘You care for Briggs,’ James said. ‘I think perhaps more than you know.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You watch him. Whenever he’s in any room, and it cannot be held against you, mind, as he is a handsome bastard.’ James smiled, and his cheeks turned slightly pink. ‘But it’s more than that. You like him a great deal.’
‘Of course I do. He’s always been kind to me.’
‘I think you are drawn to him.’
‘I don’t understand.’
His smile was full of sympathy and she hated it. She was extremely tired of being surrounded by men who understood more of her own future than she did. ‘You will. When you go to live with him. I think it is possible that with Briggs you will find more than you could have with me.’
‘I cannot. For he’s set on honouring my brother’s wishes.’
‘That is if he does not find it difficult.’
‘I am very tired of not understanding what it is people are saying. Or not saying. Or trying to say.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘Please stay my friend. I think I’m going to go away to London. Without you here... There is little reason to stay.’
‘James...’
‘I love you, Beatrice.’ He smiled again. ‘Not as a husband.’
