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‘Because you are right. There was no way she could possibly love me. How? How could she love me? I am debauched in every way. I am wrong. And I always have been. You helped me become the thing that people could tolerate. You helped turn me into a man who could at least walk into a room and have a conversation. One that was not about orchids. You took me to the brothel in Paris, and I found women there who enjoyed my particular vices. And with the exception of my late wife, with whom I made a terrible error in judgement, I have kept it there.
‘Until Beatrice. And she thinks... She thinks that she loves me for it. For all that I am. For the orchids and everything else. How is that possible? And when will it end? Because it will end. It will have to end.’
A strange light entered his friend’s eyes. ‘I have little desire to think about the ways in which you connect with my sister. However, if she says that she loves you...’
‘What? Now you believe it might be so?’
‘You do not have a sister, so you are forgiven for not understanding why it was not something I wish to think about. The two of you together. I know too much about you. The hazard of being friends for as long as we have. We are now men who might deal in a bit more discretion. Whereas when we were boys, trying to figure out life’s great mysteries, we were a bit more free.’
He could understand that. ‘That is true. I’d...’
‘It is not that I didn’t think my sister could love you. It is that... You were right. I’m used to thinking of her as a child. I’m used to protecting her. Our father did nothing for us. She was merely a means for him to bring young women into the house under the guise of being her governess. He paid exorbitant fees to keep her alive. To physicians. That is all true. But he loved no one beyond himself.’
‘And you have carried all of it.’
‘I have carried all of it,’ Kendal agreed. ‘What I said about Serena was not fair.’
‘It was something I had not told her.’
‘Go home. You don’t wish to be here.’
‘I don’t know where else to go.’
‘You will not betray my sister.’
‘No. Do you know... When we went to the brothel it was revolutionary for me. Because it was easy. I risked nothing to explore what I desired. It was a transaction. I have always found those things much easier than real life. But they do not last.’
‘These things are not real. You cannot take them with you into your life. The women here... They don’t know you.’
‘Don’t you see? I consider that a good thing.’
‘Briggs, I never liked you for what you pretended to be. I of all people know exactly where you come from. Exactly who you are. Do you not know that?’
‘It feels to me...’
‘And if I did anything to harm the relationship between you and my sister, I am sorry. I handled it badly.’
‘Does this have something to do with Eleanor?’
‘I am everything my father was not. And that is my deepest source of pride in this life.’
‘But that is not an answer.’
‘It is the only answer I can give. Beatrice married you. She has taken you every way that you come. And she has said that she loved you first. If you cannot even be half as brave as my sister... Then perhaps you are not the man I thought you were.’
And after that, Hugh disappeared up the stairs, likely on his way to exorcise his own demons. And he left Briggs to do the same.
Philip.
He could only hear that name now on his wife’s lips.
Philip. He had scorned himself back then. But now that he heard the name spoken by her and not his father... It felt different.
He felt different.
He left and took his carriage back home. He could not see Beatrice like this.
And as he made his way up the stairs, he heard screaming. Crying.
