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‘Briggs,’ she said. Her heart squeezed. ‘Philip.’
‘Do not call me that.’
‘You have no issue with me calling you that when you’re inside me.’ She moved away from him, swinging her legs over the side of the bed frame and standing.
‘It’s different.’ He sat up, getting out of bed and standing with the expanse of mattress between them.
‘Philip, just because your father could not understand you...’
‘You are not the least bit curious what your brother meant when he spoke of my wife?’
‘I do not wish to pry. You have not shared about your wife and...’
‘Serena did not die of some ailment. Serena took a bath and cut her wrists open with broken glass.’
Beatrice took a step backwards, her heart slamming against her breastbone. ‘Philip...’
‘Do you know why? Do you know why she needed to get away from me? I discussed it with her. She never loved me, Beatrice. But I thought that we could still be friends. I thought that we could... I was so young, and I believed, I truly believed in my heart that my wife would be fashioned for me in some way. That she would understand me. We were not friends. She despised me. She could not see a way to escape me.’
‘Briggs, I know you. I know you, and I know you never did anything to harm your wife. I know you would never have forced yourself on her.’
‘It doesn’t matter. Knowing what kind of monster I was disgusted her so much that she could not look at me. She could scarcely share the same space as me.’
‘I do not believe it. I do not believe that she left this world simply because of what you wished to do in bed.’
‘It is not that. It is merely a facet. It is the whole of who I am that is wrong. My father was ashamed of me. So ashamed that he wouldn’t send me to school. My own wife could not bear me. And now you want to tell me that you love me? You, who married me because you were caught with me when you did not intend to be.’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Because perhaps I was meant to be your wife all along. You were right, Philip. There was a woman who would love you exactly as you are. For your orchids and your punishments. For the way you make her feel.’ She looked down at her body, at the bruises left on her skin, fingerprints that lingered from his touch. And they marked her. As his. As strong.
‘You were the only one who saw the warrior that I wanted to be. You are the only one who treats me like I am not broken. So do not now reject my love. Do not now tell me that I am not strong enough for you.’
‘You do not understand.’
‘I do understand. But you do not like to be Philip because you still think that he is a little boy who could not be loved. And so you became Briggs because you thought that he might be someone that people would accept. The Duke of Brigham. But I love every piece of you. I love you and your being a cordial rake, and I love you when you are in your greenhouse. And I love the way that you are with your son. With our son. I love him. Because he is a piece of you. Delightful and different and nothing at all to be ashamed of. In the exact same way that you are.’
‘It is different...’
‘It is not different. Would you ever look at William and tell him that he did not deserve to be loved? Would you ever tell him that he was so wrong...?’
‘No. And you know I would not.’
‘I know. So why do you do the same to yourself?’
‘Because I...’
‘Philip. Do you hate yourself so much, that you would punish yourself unto the end?’
He bowed his head for a moment, and then he turned away from her. ‘Beatrice, I have wronged you. For I cannot be the man that you wish me to be. I cannot be what you desire. I can give you pleasure. But no more.’
‘Can I give you my love?’
He shuddered. ‘I cannot.’
‘You cannot accept it. I... I am wounded by that. I
will not tell you any lies. But I have spent my life locked away.’ Even as she said it, she felt a deep pain stabbed her chest. ‘I have spent my life being protected from all manner of pain. And you know that I now have come to seek it out. Oh, Briggs, I have felt so endlessly lost. So endlessly isolated. And I would rather stand here and live this moment than go back to Bybee House. I would rather love you and all this pain. I would rather love William. I would rather risk. And I will keep loving you.’
‘Until you don’t.’
