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"Actually, that would be perfect."
I shake my head and walk back to my room.
The week passes by quickly and slowly. The nights pass quickly. I stay up each night, texting or talking to Callie until one of us eventually falls asleep. Just hearing her excitement when she tries to pry hints out of me about where I'm taking here always make me smile. But the days, they pass with agonizing slowness. The hours seem to trickle by while I'm at work each day. Each minute filled with me growing more and more frustrated each time I'm there. Today is worse than all the others.
Ben's birthday is coming up, and Regina suggests having a birthday dinner for him. Mikaela and Denise quickly agree, saying Ben would like that. Me though, I have to step outside with the excuse of using the bathroom not to explode.
I know they cannot let any part of him go any more than I can. But knowing it doesn't make me any less angry that they're not just haunted by him like I am, they actively seek to bring him back to life with their actions and words. To not just remember him, but make it seem like he's still alive, still here, still about to walk through the door at any moment and unbreak all of their hearts.
"It's just her way of coping," Mikaela says quietly behind me.
I whip around, not having realized she'd followed me out the back door.
"What can we say?" she continues. "She knows her son is gone, but I just don't think she's ready to accept it."
"I know. But it just makes it all that much harder. We all know it's his birthday. We couldn't possibly walk around on that day and not realize what that day would have been, that it would have meant Ben being another year older. But to celebrate it... It just hurts."
She nods and sits on the stool next to me. "But you'll come though, right? It wouldn't feel right without you. You were his brother in every way that counts."
God, I want to say no so bad. So bad that the word aches in my throat, begging, pleading to come out. To save myself from the pain of celebrating a friend who is no longer here. The hurt of having to be put in the situation, once again, to relive a version of him that didn't truly exist. But I can't. They've already lost Ben. How can I make them lose me too?
"I'll be there," I say low.
"Thank you. We're all hurting Elijah. We just deal with it differently."
"I know."
"And hey." She nudges my shoulder with hers. "Bring that girlfriend of yours."
"I don't know..." I begin.
"Bring her. She can get to know a little about Ben, and meet the rest of your family."
Her words warm me, because hard as it may be to be around them now, they are my family. Have been for years. Always welcomed me, even if the welcome feels different now.
"I'll ask her," I concede.
"Good. I know you being there will keep Mom on an emotional leash, even more so if you bring your girlfriend. She'll be on her best behavior."
Mikaela goes back inside and I'm left to wonder, is it my job to have my presence be what keeps Regina from falling apart though?
Finally Friday arrives, and I'm ready way too soon for our seven o'clock date.
"Look at you." My grandma exclaims. "Handsome, if I do say so myself."
"Yeah? I look okay?"
I spread my hands wide and slowly spin around. Although, Denise had a sly grin on her face the entire time she rung me up at the store, she did advise that I'd made a wise outfit choice. Black pants, black button up shirt, and a dark grey jacket.
"You look more than okay."
"The place we're going requires you wear a jacket, so I had to add that at the last minute. Not sure it goes with the shirt."
"It goes perfectly." She smiles and stands up, hands coming up to fix my collar.
"You ready for your big night?" I ask.
"I have a thousand bucks in my purse and my lucky keychain."
