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“You don’t sound too happy about that. Are you having regrets?”
“No, Wade’s an asshole,” I say flat out.
“Oh.” She chuckles.
“Tell me why you never dated?”
Her face tightens and her hand pauses midsketch. I observe as her eyes move toward me slowly. It’s clear I’ve crossed into a hot topic. The light atmosphere and mood shift.
“How would you know I never dated?”
I want to kick myself. However, I did tell her I would never lie to her ever again. Maybe telling her this will show I was never truly able to leave her behind.
“Once I was able to get on my feet, I had the resources to look after you. To make sure you were okay from a distance,” I reply.
“You had people snooping into my life,” she hisses.
“If you want to put it that way. Yes.”
“I don’t understand you,” she says in a broken whisper.
Placing her pencil down, she stares at the canvas before her. I hate that vacant look. I don’t want to lose her again today. Watching her disappear into herself for hours is not an option.
I saunter over to her and tug her from her seat. Her gaze comes to mine slowly. Bringing her arms around my neck, I wrap her waist and start to sway our bodies to the music.
“Let me help you understand me,” I say after a few beats. “Communication is our problem. Our lack of sharing the entire truth gets in our way every time. Not this one. Tell me what you’re thinking, and I’ll answer your confusion.”
“You didn’t want me. Why watch over me? Why snoop into my life? Is it a power thing for you?”
“I think I need to make something very clear. There has never been a time I haven’t wanted you. I’ve dated women hoping to fill my loneliness, but all I ever see is you.
“Your face, your smile.” I pause, reaching to stroke her red hair. “Your laugh. I never see them, only you.”
“Then why not be with me?” she says in such a small and hurt voice.
“Because I had nothing for us. Baby, you had so much going on in your life. You had responsibilities of your own. I, as a man, couldn’t in good conscience drag you where I knew I was going.
“I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t know I’d destroy us both. I didn’t know that all I needed was the very thing I was leaving behind. Selfishly, I thought I was hurting myself more than I was hurting you,” I choke on my last words.
I couldn’t have been more wrong. Chloe made all the sacrifices. All I did was exist. My heart breaks all over again, but I know I deserve the pain.
Her eyes fill with tears as she looks up at me. I see her searching. For what? I’m not sure.
She turns her gaze away from me, placing her head on my bare chest. Her hands slide from my neck over my chest and around to my back. I try to will myself not to harden any more than I already have.
“This all feels too right,” she whispers.
I rub my hand up and down her back. It does feel right. I close my eyes. I’ve wanted to have this feeling for so long. I’m willing to fight the world to keep it.
“Chloe—”
“Shh, don’t ruin it. Just be. Be who you were before you killed me,” she says.
Her words burn a hole through me. I no longer have to fight my growing erection. If anything. I want to place my clothes back on and walk away to wallow in my shame.
Instead, I remain silent, thinking of old times. When I’d dance her around the apartment, making her laughter ring out. I think of when I had her to love.
Just like back then, I dip to kiss the top of her head. Then I move my lips to her ear. I say the words, knowing they won’t count, but needing to say them anyway in hopes they eventually will.
