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“No. It’s not that. We’re ready.”
“Are you scared?”
“No more than any normal person would be.” I would be a natural mom. I’d always felt that way, which was why not being able to get pregnant seemed so wrong to me. I rubbed my nose. “I’m not scared, actually.”
“Then what is it?”
I toed the grass with my Converse. Though Manning and I had acknowledged here and there that pregnancy was taking longer than we’d expected, I hadn’t talked to anyone but my doctor about the endometriosis. “I don’t know.”
He leaned his elbows on his knees. “So you’ve been trying?”
“Since before the wedding.”
Lady rolled around on the grass as Tweedledee flopped down next to her, panting.
Corbin counted on his fingers. “Is that longer than normal to not get pregnant?” he asked. “I don’t know anything about this.”
“Kaplan women are extremely fertile,” I said, imitating my dad’s voice.
“Oh, fuck that, Lake,” Corbin said. “It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Except it does. We actually threw out the birth control over a year ago.” I twisted my lips, then drank a little more soda. “It’s longer than normal.”
I didn’t want to mention the doctor’s visit, to say the diagnosis aloud. It would make it too real, and Manning was the only person who needed such intimate details about my health. “It’s not going to be an easy path for us . . . if it happens at all.”
“No way,” he said. “You’re meant to be a mom, Kaplan—sorry—Sutter. I feel it in my gut.”
“And my gut says something’s wrong.”
“Ignore it.” Corbin rubbed his palms together. “It’ll happen for you. You’re good at going after what you want. Nobody can deny that.”
That was true, and hadn’t it paid off in the past? This wasn’t the time to surrender, but the alternative was armoring myself for another uphill battle. “Sure.”
“Have you guys discussed adoption?”
“Me and my doctor?”
“You and Manning.”
“Oh. No.”
“Why not? You’re so passionate about rescues—”
“We’re talking about babies, not dogs.” The idea of adoption hadn’t even entered my thoughts. I wasn’t ready to consider alternatives. So, I supposed that meant I wasn’t giving up just yet. “I don’t think Manning would go for it.” Protect, provide, mate. “He wants his own children.”
“He said that?” Corbin sounded surprised. “That’s kind of shitty considering it’s not really something you can control. And since when is adopting not the same as having a child?”
“No, no,” I said quickly. “He didn’t say that, and of course we feel that way. Especially considering his relationship with his aunt and Henry. I know it’s not what he wants for us, though.”
Corbin took my soda and sipped. “Is he not being supportive? Because I can talk to him. A buddy of mine in New York is going through the adoption process.”
With my palms on the wall, I dug my nails into the concrete. “We haven’t talked about it yet, the possibility of a problem. Definitely don’t bring it up.”
“You haven’t talked about it?”
“No.” I pulled back. “It’s not something you just come out and tell your new spouse. ‘Sorry I’m barren, but you’re stuck with me now.’”
“Hey. Come on.” He put an arm around me, nestling me into his side. “You’re not barren.”
Corbin wouldn’t be so optimistic if he knew what the doctor had said. I was tempted to unload it all on him, but that wouldn’t be fair to Manning. The backs of my eyes heated with unshed tears. “What if I am? How do I tell him?”
“That dude is obsessed with you and everything you do. He’d never feel stuck with you—but I guarantee he’d hate that you’re going through this alone. Tell him.”
“But—”
“Tell him. Let him be there for you.”
“He’ll be so disappointed.” A few tears slid down my cheeks, and I wiped them away, frustrated. “We’ve been talking about this since New York, Corbin. Before we were even official. We want children, and for him, it’s like a biological need.”
“He’ll have to get over it.” Corbin kissed the top of my head. “What other choice does he have?”
We sat that way watching the dogs for a few more minutes. There was nothing else to say. Corbin couldn’t change the situation, and the more I talked to him about it, the more real it became. I had to be honest with Manning. He would want to know, and besides, we needed to start discussing our options. Just because one door might be closed didn’t mean it was all over for us.
“You don’t really tell Val she makes too many jokes, do you?” I asked.
He chuckled. “Humor as a defense mechanism?”
“Yep.”
“I never said that. But I do want us to connect on all levels, and sometimes that means she has to drop the act.” He pinged the tab of the can with his thumbnail. “I’m guilty for not seeing her earlier than I did, but I also think she didn’t want me to. She tried extra hard to keep me from knowing how she felt.”
