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Ella
The door opens to my bedchamber, and Beatrice makes a startled sound at finding me sitting by the window, the drapes pulled back to allow the sun’s blinding rays to light up the room. “Why are you not sleeping, child? I would have come sooner had I known you were awake.”
Getting closer, she can see that something isn’t right, and when she sits down next to me, places her warm hand over mine and gives me a look of loving concern, I am unable to hold in my emotions. Leaning forward, I wrap my arms around her and begin sobbing into her bosom like I did as a child.
“Oh, Beatrice! It’s simply awful!” I’ve barely slept a wink with terrible thoughts about myself swirling through my mind. I am so confused and ashamed, afraid of what happened during my conversation with the captain, and of what happened to me in the conservatory.
“Come, come, dearie. Everything will be all right. Tell me what has you so upset.” She pulls me into a motherly embrace, gently rubbing her hand along my back while rocking from side to side like she always has as she hums a sweet melody. It is so soothing and calming, that within minutes I am no longer crying. She places a kiss on the top of my head and gives me a tight squeeze.
“There now. That’s better.” She pulls back just enough, giving me space to sit up and wipe away the tears that have soaked my cheeks. “I haven’t seen you this upset in a very long time, Ella. Do you want to talk about it?”
With a slight nod, I try to swallow another lump that makes me want to cry more rather than talk. “I’m…I’m afraid something has happened—” I stop to take a breath before continuing, “that could ruin me.” The tears break through again as the fear and shame take hold. Beatrice has always taught me to be honest with her, no matter what. She knew I would not have that privilege with anyone else in my life and promised she would always be here to talk about anything.
“This sounds very serious. Are you sure it is all that bad?”
“Yes. At least I think it is.” I take a deep breath and pray she will understand. “Last night, at the ball, I ended up in the conservatory.” She seems puzzled by my statement. “The ballroom was stifling, and I needed fresh air. There was the most splendid indoor garden I have ever seen, truly spectacular. It was immense with winding paths that led from one beautiful scene to another.” I smile, remembering how wonderful I felt to walk through the garden, the scent of healthy green plants all around me. “But something happened there…and I…I am very ashamed. Quite honestly, I’m afraid of what I have done.”
Beatrice’s mouth falls into grimace, showing true concern. “Ella, dear, whatever could you have done in a conservatory, of all places, that would ruin you?”
So, I tell her. I tell her what I found, and that I could not take my eyes off the magnificent man lit up by the moon. Then I tell her what he was doing and, with my head hanging low, tell her what happened to my body. With the admission, my tears break free.
Beatrice takes both my hands in hers, and her comforting voice wraps around me like a warm blanket. “Ella, I want you to listen to me and listen to me well.” She pauses to make sure my eyes are on hers and that she has my full attention. “Yes, spying on the couple in the garden was wrong. However, sometimes our curiosity gets the best of us. It is our mind’s yearning for knowledge of things we do not yet know. It is normal. You, as a young woman, are very curious about what happens between a man and a woman. After all, it will be expected of you once you are married.”
With that comment, a wave of heat rushes through my body at the thought of doing just that with the captain. I force the thought away.
“Your curiosity got the better of you, and from what you described—” She lets out a laugh. “I almost can’t blame you.”
I pop my head up in surprise, “Beatrice! Did you actually say what I think you did?”
She laughs harder at my question before responding. “Well, I’m only being honest. I don’t think most men are put together as well as the one you saw last night. I’m not sure any woman alive would have been able to walk away from such a scene!”
I am shocked at prudish Beatrice’s candor on such a scandalous topic. For a moment, I forget about my shame, and we both cackle and snort with laughter while wiping away the cheerful tears. “Oh my! You have surprised me beyond words. I sat here in fear the entire night, worried about how ashamed you were going to be.” As I look up at her, my heart swells with love. “Thank you, Beatrice. There is still a part of me that feels shame, but I’m much better knowing I am not a wanton deviant, deserving of the convent.” I bow my head in shyness, still questioning myself. “But…what about my reaction? Beatrice, I did not know there could be a pleasure such as that. Surely that is not normal, is it?”
A slight blush appears on her plump cheeks before she responds, “Well, it isn’t something that is discussed so freely. To be honest, most women do not find that kind of pleasure so easily, if they ever find it at all. I think it’s best you stop worrying, and know that when you are married and in love, you will truly enjoy the sacred act of love between a husband and wife.”
“Do you enjoy it?” I ask with hesitation.
“Yes, actually I do. Although, it doesn’t happen as often as it used to,” she says with a tender look in her eyes. “but Rupert and I have had a good marriage. We’ve always been in love, and he doesn’t make it only about him. Therefore, it is easier for me to find the pleasure you speak of. I hope one day your husband will do the same for you.”
“Thank you for talking so openly with me. I don’t know what I would do without your support.”
I stand up to pour us each a glass of water, thinking about the magnificent man in the garden, how his behavior contrasted against the arrogant blackguard that confronted me in the hall. I change the subject as I hand Beatrice the glass. “There is one more unfortunate event from last night.”
“I’m not sure I can handle any more details beyond what you’ve already told me!”
“He saw me.”
Eyes bulging, she nearly chokes on her water. “What? Ella!”
In a defeated tone, I confirm, “He saw me. He knew I was there and confronted me outside the ballroom.”
“Do you know who this man was? Surely he isn’t a nobleman.”
“Of that I am not certain, but I suspect it is so. When he appeared in the hallway…I…I was shocked to find…he is a captain in the Royal Navy.”
“The Navy? With your father?” Beatrice whispers the last question with the same distress I have felt since I laid eyes on him. “Oh dear. What did he say to you?”
“Actually, I believe he was toying with me more than anything. Which, of course, infuriated me. But it gets better… He’s a Scot.” I can still hear his deep accent saying my name. The thought sends chills across my skin.
