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“But.” I gulp down the shame. “I can’t giveyoueverything. I can’t be your husband in every way.” Her face crumbles at my blatant statement before she looks away. I know my words are hurting her but there is no point in sugarcoating it. “I promise to take care of you, help you in every way, give you everything you desire, except I cannot give you my love.”
“Because you love someone else?” Her green irises shine under the table lamp in my study. My heart quivers at the sight of fresh tears pooling in her eyes.
“No.” My lips thin in displeasure as I confess the biggest truth of my life. “I can’t be loyal.”
“What the heck does that mean?” She looks right through me, as if trying to see my dirty soul.
And I bare myself to her. “I can’t promise you fidelity in this marriage.”
“So, you’re gonna sleep with someone else? You just said you don’t love anyone. You don’t, right?” She swallows hard before slowly shaking her head.
“No, I don’t. But I can’t sleep with you either.” I force the words out as my ribs tighten to the point of pain, especially when her face turns red. Tears of shame cling to her eyes. But she doesn’t know it’s not her but me who should be ashamed.
“It’s not that I don’t find you attractive, Hope. I do. You are a beautiful person inside and out.” I gulp nervously. “But as I told you, I’m not a good man. You don’t want me in your life, in any other role than as Ray’s father.” Her misty gaze looks at me suspiciously.
Fuck! Is she worried I won’t be a good dad?
“I’ll spend every minute of my life proving to you that I’m the best fucking father to Ray.” I get up from my chair and pace anxiously across the room.
“I don’t doubt that. It’s the only reason I’m still sitting here.” Her quavering words reach my ears and hope builds in my heart.
I take back my seat and hold her hands. “My proposal isn’t bad.”
She pulls her hand out of my grip and a laugh escapes her. “Your proposal is ridiculous. You told me that you have no intention of sleeping with me and I totally get it. You also told me in very clear words that you have every intention to fuck around. Why the hell are you even considering this? Why not marry one of the girls you are so keen on spending your nights with, or don’t marry at all. Have your own kid with one of them.” She looks at me like I’m a puzzle to be solved. “You can father a child, right?”
My chest clenches and I rack my brain to find the correct response where I don’t lie to Hope but also don’t show her the misery of my life. “I’m not impotent.” I twist the knot of my tie before looking back at her. “I don’t want a kid of my own and I told you before, I’m not in love with someone or any of that bullshit. I can’t explain it. Even if I could, you wouldn’t understand.”
“I can’t do this, Zach. There’s already so much I have lost in my life. I can’t lose my dignity. I can’t make a fool of myself while you parade around with other women.” Her grip on the arms of the chair tightens and I know she’s ready to bolt. I only have a few minutes to convince her and hopefully change my fate from a lonely, meaningless life.
“Hope, I’ll never do that to you.” My heart fucking sinks as I realize how little she thinks of me. “No one will ever know the truth of our marriage. I want Ray to see us as a happily married couple.”
“But—”
“Come with me.” I take her hand, holding it tight in my grasp, and lead her out of my study.
While crossing the living room, I hear Ray talking to William in his soft voice. For a beat, I imagine if by some miracle Hope agrees tonight, this will be my life. Not a polished, perfect suite but a home with toys scattered here and there, the sweet smell of Hope’s baking lingering around, Mr. Stanley’s barks greeting me whenever I enter through the main door.
With hope flowing through my body, I lead her to the fifth-floor room. She hesitantly enters when I unlock the door. “You are the first woman to come into my penthouse other than my sister-in-law.”
Realization hits her and she visibly gulps before asking, “So, this is yourfuck pad?”
I squirm under her inquiring gaze before nodding.
“Every night?”
I shake my head. “You know that for the past several weeks I’ve spent every night except Friday with Gigi.”
“At the hospital?” Her eyes widen.
And somehow even in this embarrassing situation, her surprised expression puts a smile on my face. “No, Hope, I’m not that insatiable.” Even though I totally am. “I can manage with my good old hand some days.” I wave my hand up in the air.
“You didn’t…at the hospital?”
Watching her face turn beet red and her wide eyes, I chuckle and shake my head.
Unexpectedly, a ghost of surprise touches her lips, but she hides it quickly before slumping on the bed, her back resting flat on the mattress.
I follow her and she turns to face me. Her face is serious again.
