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When my eyes can’t stay open any longer, I go to bed. I’m usually the one who lives for dreams. Tonight, I hope I can’t remember if I do.
Monday barrels in like a bull in a china shop. The pings of my emails and texts begin at seven in the morning and don’t stop. That’s what I get for turning off my out-of-office message before I’m back sitting at my desk. I think the only time I don’t hear my phone vibrate I was in the shower. How ironic is that?
I slide my cream floral print dress over my head and zip it up the back. The rose I picked off the hedge yesterday inspired this choice. It was a way I could appreciate the bloom, even if it won’t stay like I wish it would forever. It’s now drying on my bookshelf between my favorite book boyfriends. I suppose that’s appropriate.
Aaron was waiting for me in my office with my usual double-shot espresso for a Monday morning. He knows just the way to my heart before the big department meetings.
“You got a tan. The girl who is rarely outside because her nose is too far into her laptop or a book got a tan.”
“Okay, okay. Enough. Yes, I had a good time. Too good at times. It was needed. I liked being close but far. You should take Noelle to this little town. I’m telling you, you’d score huge points, and the food is amazing.”
“I’d love all the details right now, but we’re in a time crunch. Are you sure you’ll be ready?”
“I was prepped before I left last week. I’ve got this. When was the last time you saw me rattled or unprepared?
“Never in recent memory.” Aaron holds up his fist for me to bump. I smirk and don’t leave him hanging before I grab my laptop, phone, and portfolio to head to the conference room.
All of the leaders are practically assembled in the room before Aaron and I show up. I one-hundred-percent know it was the pastry tray that got them all here on time. The lone lemon poppyseed muffin is still on the corner of the tray, waiting for me. I grab it and take my usual position to Aaron’s left.
These meetings are round-robin style. Everyone talks about their clients, where things stand since our last meeting, and where the week or month lies ahead. Sometimes if there are issues, we bounce ideas off each other. If there are sponsors some of us have better rapport with, we offer the best way to come out on top in negotiations or a different lane to drive down.
We’re on the person just before me when my never-ending stream of notifications vibrate on my lap. This is something every one of us in this room is used to. We don’t blink, or feel offended if someone is on their phone checking email or texts while having their other ear on what we’re saying. I like to call it a necessary evil. Missing that communication could mean the difference sometimes.
I pull my phone off the folds of my dress and light it up to see which notification is coming in. That’s when I see it’s not a text or an email. It’s from Instagram. That isn’t overly odd either. I have most of my rosters’ accounts set to let me know when they post, especially if they control the accounts themselves. My finger casually pulls down on the Insta notification heading and I’m not ready for what I see. I have a follow request from Rafael.
I know I sit up a little straighter in my seat as I set the phone on the table in front of me. I can’t instantly respond. What happens quickly is my heart is pounding. I get an unfamiliar tightening in my chest. I only call it unfamiliar because it’s been so long since I’ve felt it. When Vince and I started talking at the party, after he ran me over at the football game, I felt it. I felt it for a long time with him. I guess I don’t fully remember when it stopped, but it definitely did.
The flutter didn’t instantly happen with Rafael. At first, that wasn’t what our interactions were about. It was just getting to know another person. He was always insanely attractive. I’m around insanely attractive all the time. That’s what this industry is. What gave me the flutters was his smile, his voice, the way he protected me in terms I’m sure he wasn’t aware of. Those are things that only I know.
It was about love languages. Mine is definitely acts of service mixed with affirmations. He would cross the street first. He would be the one getting drinks for us. He would lay his hand gently at my back. A soft kiss to my hand or even just a subtle look in my direction. It was all about him seeing me and understanding my unspoken cues. That’s what the flutter is about.
Aaron saying my name is what brings me out of my head and back into the room of my peers. I have a nanosecond to collect myself enough to give my Monday morning updates. I feel like I’m giving them a monologue of gibberish. If I’m asked later to repeat anything, I don’t know if I can.
The meeting wraps and everyone starts to file out of the room. I’m still sitting in the same spot, reading my phone over and over again. “Ava?” A gentle hand rests on my shoulder. “Everything okay? You sort of lost focus there. Vacation hangover kick in at the last minute?”
“No. I’m sorry. I got a bit of information I wasn’t expecting is all. I hope I didn’t embarrass you or myself.”
“That’s the last thing I was thinking. You were on point as always,” Aaron tells me. “I notice because I know you.”
“Don’t worry. Just unexpected is all. I’m good.”
“It’s not Vince is it?”
“No. God no. I haven’t heard from him at all.”
“Spineless prick.”
I laugh. “Geez, Aaron. Tell me how you really feel.”
“I think I just did.” He winks. “Let me know if you need anything.”
“I will, thanks. The rest of my Monday is virtual meetings and phone calls. I’ve got this.”
“I know you do.”
I’m glad he thinks that. I’m not so sure.
I don’t have time to respond to or even think about the impending check yes or no in my notifications. I load up on my next cup of coffee for the day and log into back-to-back-to-back virtual meetings until the lunch hour.
