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“I missed you too, Mommy!”
My legs work faster and finally I start to get closer to her. I reach my arm out, my fingertips nearly touching hers before all of the lights turn off, basking us in darkness again.
I can’t see a thing in front of me for several seconds until the lights shine bright again. Only my mommy isn’t there anymore.
I spin around frantically, my heart thumping loudly in my chest and tears now coming from my eyes and streaming down my face as I try to find her.
I don’t see anything or anyone.
“Mommy?” Silence. “Mommy?” I try again. “Moooooommy!”
No one answers me as the lights go out again and I scream for her, my throat burning as I shout as loud as I can but not getting an answer.
“No! Mommy! Please don’t leave me again!”
My eyes spring open and I bolt upright in bed, my body on high alert as I hit the switch on the bedside light and curse as it feels like I’m burning my eyeballs from the inside out.
My ears perk up, telling me that there’s something that caused me to wake up. I concentrate on the bedroom door that is ajar, trying to work out what woke me, but when I don’t hear anything for several seconds, I settle back down.
“Mommy? Mommy?” I’m up out of the bed as soon as I hear Clay’s pleading, my legs working overtime to get to him.
My feet slap against the cold marble floor and I pump my arms harder, turning the corner.
“Moooooommy!” My heart thumps in my chest like the loud beat of a drum and my hands start to shake as I hear the sorrow in his voice; searching for something that he won’t ever find.
I push his bedroom door open, watching as he thrashes about in his bed, the covers entwined around his legs as his arms flail wildly around him.
“No! Mommy! Please don’t leave me again!”
I gasp, not able to hold it in as I rush to him, falling onto my knees beside his bed as I gently shake his shoulder.
He doesn’t stop calling out for her, even when his eyes open, his head whipping from side to side. His eyes finally settle on mine, but he’s not looking at me, he’s searching for something—for his mom.
“Clay? Buddy?”
“Mom—” His little face screws up when he realizes where he is and who he’s staring at. “Dad?” he sobs.
“Yeah, buddy. It’s Dad,” I croak out, my voice betraying me.
I pull him against me, rocking him back and forth as I try my hardest to calm him down and comfort not only him, but myself too.
You’d think that after the amount of nightmares he’s had, I’d know exactly what to do, but I feel as lost now as I did when he had his first one only weeks after we lost Natalia.
They’re becoming more and more frequent lately.
I have an idea of what his nightmares are about, but he’s never once told me himself. The screaming out for Natalia is all I need to know what about what happens in them.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask, pulling back and hoping against all hope that this one time, he’ll answer me.
I’m graced with the same shake of the head that I always get as he lays his head back on my chest.
“Okay,” I answer, swallowing against my dry throat as I pick him and one of his nightlights up. “Shall we go to Daddy’s room?”
He nods his head against my shoulder and I stand, rubbing his back in soothing motions as I make my way down to my room, the nightlight showing us the way.
All I want is to fix what’s going on and to make things better for him. I can’t imagine what it must be like for him to have these nightmares; to see her in his dreams and then open his eyes and she’s gone all over again. I’m exhausted thinking about it so I can’t even begin to imagine what he goes through when it happens.
As soon as we’re in my room, I pull the covers back and settle him on the other side of the bed. He buries his head in the pillow, pulling his knees up to his chest as he keeps his gaze connected to mine.
