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“Thank you for coming,” he said, clinking his glass to mine. “I often have the feeling you want to avoid me. I’m trying not to take it personally.”
I studied his face to see if he meant that, to be honest, or snarky. I saw genuine honesty there.
“My life is complicated, Ash. Spending time with you complicates it more.”
“I was devastated to see how Ben has changed. I feel guilty that I wasn’t there to intervene sooner.”
God, if he only knew that part of what drove Ben to drink was my relationship with him. But in truth, as stressful as Ben’s life was, and how betrayed he felt by Ash, his drinking was all on him. Plenty of people had challenges and were able to get through them without getting drunk. I was an example of that. Then again, I had Morgan, and Ben seemed to have no one but a little sister he felt obligated to look out for.
“Ben is the boss of himself and is responsible for his actions. He can blame others, but that’s just an excuse.”
“It can’t be easy for you,” Ash said, pushing back stray tendril of my hair that the wind had blown behind my ear.
“No. But we manage.”
“We?”
Oh crap. “Me and Ben.” I sipped my wine. “What did you want to see me about?”
He took my hand and kissed it in a gesture that was so romantic, Morgan would have swooned. “Since seeing you again, made me realized just how much I’ve missed you. I should have stood up to our fathers. Or at least, tried harder to talk to you. I did call a few times and even wrote, but when I didn’t hear back, I figured they’d gotten to you too.”
“My father never let on he knew about us, but he did move me to Europe. He got me a new phone so I didn’t get your calls. I never got letters either.” It made me wonder about the one I sent him. The one he’d returned unread. Why had he sent it back if he’d been trying to reach me?
“The thing is, Beth, I want what we had.”
I did too. So badly. But our opportunity had passed. I couldn’t see us regaining what we had lost. And I couldn’t risk Hannah to find out. “We’re older…time has passed.”
He let out a breath. “What I feel for you is still as strong as it was then. Now we’re older, smarter, and as you said, in charge of ourselves. Now it really is our choice. I know Ben won’t like it, but I want to find a way to help him. I want what I had with him too. I refuse to think that it’s too much to ask for, but I know the decision isn’t just mine. It depends on what you want. And whether or not Ben will ever forgive what I did and accept that I’m in love with you.”
My breath hitched. Even six years ago, the word love had never been used. It had been alluded to. Inferred, but never said.
I wanted everything he was talking about. All the emotion promised in the depth of his eyes. And yet… I was too scared to reach out and take it.
“I don’t know that we can get over the past, Ash.”
He cradled my face in his hands, his eyes filled with emotion as he looked at me. “I mean it, Beth. I love you. I did then. I do now. I always have. And whatever I have to do to make up for the past or show you the truth in my heart, I’ll do it. You just have to tell me what that is.”
I was completely cracked open and raw from his words. For six years, I dreamed of hearing Ash tell me all this and then we’d be a wonderfully happy family.
“Tell me what you want, Beth. It’s yours.”
I couldn’t give him the words my heart wanted desperately to tell him, so instead, I leaned in and kissed him. I put everything I felt into that kiss. My love for him. My need for him. My promise to always care for him until I died, even if we weren’t together.
“I want you,” I murmured against his lips.
“I’m all yours.” He tilted his head, taking the kiss deeper as his free hand pressed against my lower back and pulled me closer. When he pulled away, he took my wine glass, setting it down along with his on the table. Then he took my hand and led me back inside to his bedroom. “We’ve never made love in a bed. I want to remedy that.”
At first, I got stuck on his use of the term “make love” instead of fuck or sex, that he used before. But then I thought for a moment about what he was saying. I realized he was right. We’d done it once on the beach, and the other times on a couch or in the back of a car. Actually, we hadn’t done it many times, but it felt like we had. Our connection was so strong, it seemed like we’d always been together.
