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“Thank you. And maybe you shouldn’t give up on Grace. If you care for her.”
I nodded only because I didn’t want to go into all the reasons continuing to pursue her was a fruitless endeavor.
After Sara left, I went back to work. This was my life, I decided. I was in charge of security for Raven Industries. While I failed Sara, I knew I could be good at this work, and so that was where I needed to focus my time. I’d already decided I was going to forfeit my inheritance by not marrying and procreating at the time my father made his crazy plan, so making the decision to focus my life on work wasn’t anything new. Now I’d just work to do it better.
32
Grace
Friday
After the hearing, I went home, had a couple of glasses of wine and then went to bed. I allowed myself that one night of wallowing in self-pity. I didn’t care that this was my fault. I didn’t care that Hunter was right, and it was my own insecurities messing things up with him. Instead, I felt sorry for myself in my own pity party.
The next morning, I still didn’t want to face the fact that I was to blame for all my professional and personal problems, but I went through the motions to move to the next step. I went to my office and began calling my clients. I’d already told them that it was a possibility that I was going to need to take a leave of absence. I didn’t tell them why. While most were surprised, they all seemed to take it okay, especially when we discussed things like loss and change as part of their therapy. So, as I made the calls, they weren’t caught off-guard, and I had a list of other therapists or programs I thought would work for them.
When I finished, I felt completely empty. My first instinct was to want Hunter. His strong arms could support me and give me comfort. But I’d ruined that too. I scoffed at myself. I was in this position because my wanting him led me to break a rule, and then instead of holding on to him, I was a bitch to him. It turned out I was the one who made everything worse.
I’d hated that he was right about me. I’d wanted him, but I never fully went all in. I didn’t trust him, not because of anything he did. Sure, his reputation caused me concern, but he was right in that he’d never done antyhing to make me question him. In fact, he’d been surprisinginly open with his feelings.
It was my own issues around what happened with Mike that really made me hold back. I’d been looking for proof to distrust Hunter, and when it came, I used it as an excuse to bolt. It wasn’t fair to him, which made me feel even worse. No, what made me feel worse was learning that he was all in. A man like Hunter didn’t give himself easily, and he had given himself to me. Instead of recognizing what a gift he offered, I’d pushed it away. What an idiot I was.
I was still upset that he didn’t listen to me and let me handle my hearing, but he had good intentions. Now, I had no job and no Hunter.
“Well done, Grace,” I said as I lay my head on my desk, ready to wallow in self-pity. I wondered what he was doing.
You and I both were sour on relationships. My method of dealing was meaningless sex. Yours was avoiding intimacy.
Oh, how right he’d been. Had he gone out trolling for women last night now that I’d soured him on relationships again?
I lifted my head, wiped my tears, and worked to pull myself together. The therapist in me started with the basics. What could I do now?
Apologize to Hunter and win him back?
I shook my head. Not yet. I needed to get my professional life in order. I wanted to show him that I could solve my own problems, not because I didn’t want his help, but so that we could grow together. He could see he didn’t need to be a knight in shining armor. For my part, I’d need to trust him, which I did. What I really needed was to let go of my insecurities, and trust in us.
I poked the button on my laptop to wake it up. I closed out my client contact database and went on to the Internet doing a job search. I applied to the non-profit jobs, and the one at the foundation. Then I looked at housing in one of the other boroughs that might be more affordable.
I was getting ready to pack up and go home, when there was a knock on my door.
