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Stop whining, I told myself as the car wound through the traffic. The truth was, Grace was probably right not to completely attach herself to me. I was fucked up, not just from my experiences in Iraq, but also from my family. What did I know about love and relationships? I think my father loved my mother, but he was too busy building an empire to show it. He was too busy to make it home from a business trip overseas before her cancer finally took her. He was my role model for love ever after.
I supposed there was Chase and Sara, but they were only a few months into their marriage. Who knew what could happen? So, yeah, Grace and I splitting was probably for the best. I would fuck up again because it was in my nature, and I didn’t want a lifetime of her leaving me each time because she didn’t have the guts to tell me how she felt.
I frowned. It was strange that she had no problem confronting me or my brothers on our problems, but when it was her own issues, she scampered like a scared rabbit. I was right. She was as messed up personally as I was.
I did feel bad about her work though. That was the area she strove to excel and achieve success in. I wondered who I could call to see about finding her work during her six months suspension, and then I remembered she didn’t want my help. I’d only make it worse.
“We’re here, sir,” my driver said.
“Great. Thanks. Give me an hour.” I stepped out of the car and headed into the building to my group. One thing was for sure, while in the group, I’d hear from men who had way bigger problems than me. I was looking forward to getting perspective in life.
During the meeting, I did find it hard to feel sorry for myself, but once I left and returned to my office, the pity party began again. For a minute, I thought maybe my life could have been something other than work and fighting to stave off my demons. I was already dreading going to sleep tonight for fear the dreams might come back with a vengeance. Then again, I’d learned a few coping skills, and the group, as hard as it was to go to, did seem to help. So maybe I wouldn’t revert back to my old self just because Grace was gone. I guess, time would tell.
I went through my list of to-dos for the day and was getting ready to start on the linen company info one of my men dropped off, when there was a knock and the door opened.
Sara poked her head in. “Your secretary isn’t here. Do you have a minute?”
I waved her in as I stood. “I fired her.”
Sara gave me a little smile. “I’m glad. I never liked her.”
“Oh?” I gestured for her to sit on the couch.
“Just a bad vibe, I guess,” she said sitting.
“Do you want something to drink?”
“No, thank you.”
I sat in a chair across from her. I was going to ask why she was visiting, but I saw my opportunity to clear the air with her as I had with Chase.
“Listen Sara, I wanted to apologize to you for not doing a better job protecting you.” God, my words sounded so lame and inadequate.
“What? No, Hunter. Chase told me that you felt guilty, but you have no reason to.”
I leaned forward resting my forearms on my thighs. “I do. I could have done better, and if I had…things would have been different.”
Her pretty blue eyes looked at me with pity. “You don’t know that. And even so, what happened to me was all Glen’s fault. I don’t blame you at all. You were there when I was rescued. You were there sticking up for me when my parents were shaming me. Second only to Chase, I see you as a hero.”
I couldn’t stand being called that, so I stood. “I’m no hero, Sara. But it is a weight off to know you don’t blame me.”
“It never occurred to me to blame you. I like how you look out for me even though you don’t have too. I never had a family that truly cared. I feel like I have three big brothers now. They’re a bit crazy and dysfunctional, but I know they have my back.”
I laughed. “We are nuts, aren’t we?”
“A little.” She tilted her head. “Is that why you were having such a hard time over the last several months?”
I sat again, all of a sudden feeling like all the air had gone out of me. “It’s always been hard since getting discharged, but yes, I … I was having a hard time living…and sleeping, with the guilt.”
“You seem calmer and happier now, so the counseling must have helped.”
