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That hurt for some reason. “Oh.”
He rubbed his hands up and down my arms. “I’ve always just seen a woman. Yes, a woman that I wanted fuck, but also one that I found intriguing because she could stand up to me and my brothers. She’s smart and insightful. And if you could turn that therapeutic thinking on yourself, you’d be wondering if maybe there wasn’t something about me. Think about it, Grace. A smart, professional woman like you doesn’t sleep with her client. She certainly doesn’t give him her virginity. So, unless you’re transferring, or whatever, to me, there’s something here that doesn’t have anything to do with therapy.”
He had a point that I’d need to reflect on, but it didn’t mean any of my insights on what was going on were wrong. What I couldn’t do was think with him standing there in all his naked glory.
“I need some time. I think you should go.”
He let out a long breath, then he left my side, putting on his clothes. I was grateful he was giving up fighting me on this. When he was dressed, he pulled me to him, dropping his forehead against mine. I wanted to weep at his tenderness.
“There’s something here, Grace. I know you’re worried about the rules, but you’re not my therapist anymore. More importantly, I’m hung up on you and how I feel when we’re together. I don’t want this to end, and I don’t think you do either.”
No, I didn’t, but that wasn’t the point, was it? He was right that I wasn’t his therapist, but I had been. I was his therapist the first time I had sex with him. That act alone made me unethical. So even though I wasn’t treating him anymore, that one act of betrayal to my work, and to him, was still there. To continue this relationship would be unethical. His feelings for me were related to the help and sense of peace I was giving him, not love or affection. As much as I wanted him, I couldn’t continue this and lead him on.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He kissed me sweetly on the mouth and then left.
I sank down on the couch and cried. I couldn’t be sure why, except that I felt torn and confused. Mostly, I wanted him. I wanted to believe what he’d said; that there was something different between us. His insight was spot on. There was something about him that had me throwing my ethics aside and giving him something I hadn’t given anyone, hadn’t wanted to give anyone. Of course, that had never been in question. I was sure about my feelings. It was his that I couldn’t trust.
I thought he believed what he was saying, but Hunter was a man that had been disconnected from his emotional self. Was he attracted to me? Yes, but that didn’t mean his feelings were real. Many people confused attraction for emotion. I was a woman who listened, challenged him, and made him feel safe. Of course, he could easily think it meant more.
At the same time, Hunter wasn’t a man easily deceived even by his own emotions. I felt sure that he knew the entire time I’d been meeting with him that guilt was what was eating him alive. Guilt at not stopping his commander in the military and guilt at not preventing Sara’s abduction. He knew it, he just didn’t want to talk about it, probably because it made him feel shame. He didn’t like failing people.
I also had to concede that we didn’t make very much headway when I was counseling him. It was only after the night at the bar, and then when he started going to the group, that he seemed calmer than normal for him. Was it possible that a healthy emotional reaction to me was the catalyst to that? I’ve never seen you as a therapist, he’d said. While I couldn’t be sure that was true, it was clear that he didn’t want counseling, and yet, he always came. I’d thought it was because of his brothers, and yet, a part of me thought he’d not only be okay with being tossed from the company, but that he’d be relieved. The relationship with his brothers wasn’t helpful in his healing. He didn’t seem to have any interest in his father’s strange new inheritance plan.
Thinking of the new inheritance plan reminded me that Hunter didn’t see himself as marriage or father material. The man I knew so far could actually make a wonderful family man if he’d learn to forgive himself and trust his feelings.
I laughed at myself. I was the one that needed to learn to trust my feelings. Hunter seemed clear. I don’t want this to end, and I don’t think you do either. The truth was, he’d been open and even vulnerable to me with that statement. It proved that he did see me, and what was going on, differently. He was also right that I didn’t want it to end. Perhaps he wasn’t the only one that needed to forgive themselves for their past mistakes.
