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Instead, I tried what I’d done on Friday night. I took my dick in hand and conjured up my sexy librarian therapist, making myself come hard. Then I hoped for a dreamless night. I wasn’t so lucky. Again, Sara’s haunted eyes accused me of letting her baby die. Chase and my brothers and father joined in the chant. This time, even my new therapist participated. Then as always, they were all transported to Iraq, to the time just after our squad had been attacked, killing nearly everyone.
What was the deal with the brain that it would so willing to fuck up people’s lives? How come a brain wired to be on alert for danger couldn’t be unwired when it got home? How come dreams couldn’t be stopped? It was going to drive me mad. If fucking and drinking couldn’t stop it, I wasn’t sure how talking would help, but the truth was, my methods weren’t working anymore. Chase was right to have concerns about how I might hurt the company. After all, look how badly I’d failed the family.
Wanting to get my current troubles out of my head, I tried to focus on work again. But I felt like I was running in circles there, so when Yvonne stuck her head through my doorway to let me know my appointment was there, I was eager for a change.
Yvonne smiled that come-hither offer she often gave me and leaned over my desk, showing off a nice set of tits. There had been times in the past when my dick had responded to her obvious efforts, but of course, I followed the no-fraternizing rule. Today, I was mostly embarrassed for her.
“Thank you. I’ll be right there.” I dismissed her and then stood, straightened my tie and ran my fingers through my hair that was only slightly longer than it had been when I was in the military. I opted to leave my coat off. This wasn’t a business meeting, and despite my strange eagerness to see her again, I suspected I’d be annoyed and angry before the session was over. I might as well be comfortable.
I walked out of my office and immediately my attention went to Ms. Reynolds. Yes, Grace was a good name for her. She was dressed in conservative wear again; this time a dark gray skirt that showed off lovely curves at her hips, and a white blouse. Her hair was up again, and she studied me with knowing hazel eyes accentuated by her glasses. There was something about her that felt fulfilling. Like I was a man dying of thirst and she was the water that quenched my need.
“Thank you for coming,” I said hoping I sounded gracious and not like a man living on the edge. I hoped I could keep it up, but I knew my fuse was short, and it was her job to light it.
“It didn’t sound like I had a choice.” She quirked a brow at me. She looked like a woman that could be walked all over, but clearly, she had gumption. She wasn’t intimidated by me or my brothers. I liked that, and there was a perverse part of me that wanted to push it. How far could I go before I’d get a reaction from her?
I smirked and led her to the office I had refurbished over the weekend. Chase said he liked what I’d done, although I could see he was baffled about why I bothered. I was too but simply told him I didn’t want to feel like I was being interrogated in the ugly space.
I wondered what Ms. Reynolds would think of it. I watched her face as I opened the door and let her in.
Her eyes took in the room. “Is this the same room as before?”
“Yes. I had it redone.”
“It’s lovely.”
She was lovely. Christ, what was wrong with me? Feeling annoyed at the strange, unwanted pull she had on me, I said, “Yeah, well, if I have to take part in this farce, I figured I’d spend company money to get back at my brothers.”
She didn’t react, and yet, I felt like my statement was going to be a part of her assessment of me. Now I felt like a fool. A childish, petulant fool. Fuck.
I went to the minifridge to get water. “Do you want some water or coffee or something.”
“No, thank you.” She took a seat in one of the wingback chairs across from the couch. I wondered if she was going to want me to lay down on the couch and tell her about my relationship with my mother like some Freudian analyst.
I took a long swig of my water and sat on the couch, watching her as she took out her notebook and crossed her lovely legs at her ankles. It occurred to me that I’d rather be taking her out to dinner and getting to know her. As such, I didn’t want to ruin her opinion of me by telling her how I failed in Iraq and how I was failing at home.
