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“No. There’s nothing to say that you haven’t heard. Neil says I lied to him because I always knew that I wanted kids and that he can’t be married to a liar.”
Marsie blinked slowly at the pain in her friend’s voice. “That’s harsh.”
“Everything about a divorce is harsh. You say nothing but terrible things to each other. Do I mean the things I say about Neil right now?” Beck shrugged, then sipped at her tea, making loud slurps of the hot liquid.
“I think them,” she continued. “And I feel them. Or, at least, I feel the pain and the hurt and anger, so maybe that’s the same thing as feeling those mean things. I don’t know.”
“So it’s really over.”
Beck nodded, fresh tears streaming down her face. “We can’t come back from this. The therapist says a strong relationship can come back from anything with work, but we both have to be willing to work at it.”
“And Neil’s not?”
Was this what it meant to marry someone you didn’t have anything in common with? Only Neil and Beck had always seemed to have so much in common.
Just not the one thing they needed to have in common, apparently—a desire to have kids.
Her friend gave a slight shake of her head. “I don’t think I am. Neil’s right. He married a liar. Deep down, I always knew that I wanted kids and I didn’t say anything. I pressed it down and down and down and told him that I didn’t want to be a mother. I told him that it was fine.”
“Sounds like you lied to yourself as much as you lied to Neil.” Marsie took a sip of her tea, wincing at the sweetness. While she liked her coffee sweet enough to break a tooth, she liked her tea bitter.
“Still makes me a liar. And really, what’s worse than being married to a liar?”
Marsie could tick off on her fingers several things worse than a liar, but that wasn’t what Beck needed to hear right now. She needed a friend to make tea, sit on the couch and nod, not be a know-it-all. So she just made a sympathetic noise in the back of her throat and let her friend continue, uninterrupted.
“Really, do you want to be friends with a liar?”
“I don’t think you’re a liar, Beck,” she answered softly. “I think you loved Neil and you thought you wanted him more than you wanted kids. And, at the time, you probably did. But people change.”
“Did I change, or did I lie? Like you’ve made me tea because I said no wine, but I really want wine. I want all the wine. And all the whiskey. And all the rum.” Beck lifted her head off the cushions and looked at Beck, pain deep in her eyes. “I want to drown myself. Alcohol is more effective than tea. But here I am drinking tea.”
Beck’s tears stuck to the lines they were making down her cheeks, even when she shook her head. “Liar, just like Neil said.”
“Oh, honey, that doesn’t make you a liar.” Marsie reached for her friend’s hand. Even after holding the tea, Beck’s fingers were still cold. “Like you said, divorce makes you say horrible things you don’t even know if you mean.”
“Maybe I’ll choose to believe you. Later.”
“I’m sure this is hard, and I can’t even imagine the pain you’re in. Wallow in it tonight and for a while. I’ll make sure you don’t stay there.”
“It’s not a nice place to be, but the future is scary. It doesn’t have Neil. I’m not married. And I don’t know who I am in that future.” Beck pulled her hand away to wipe her nose on her sleeve.
“You’re Beck. And Beck is awesome.”
Her friend gave a slight smile. “Thanks.”
They sat in warm silence for a long time, sipping tea and staring at each other, but not really seeing the other person, both drowning in their own thoughts.
“You’re out of tea,” Marsie said finally. “Do you want another cup?”
“Yes, please. Might as well try to drown myself with tea, since even I’m smart enough to know that alcohol isn’t a good choice for me right now.” Beck laughed bitterly. “And I’m not sleeping anyway, so who cares if I have to pee fifteen times tonight.”
