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She reached for a croquette, mostly to give herself something to hold on to while she confessed. “I think if my father could go back in time and undo the decisions that led to my mom’s pregnancy, he would. And poof, I’d be gone.”
Jason jumped forward in his seat, his arms out like he was going to leap up and give her a hug. She would have liked that hug. But they shared food and conversation. They didn’t share hugs, and he settled back in his seat, saying only, “Oh, God, I’m sorry.”
He didn’t try to correct her or tell her that she must be wrong, parents were always glad their children were in this world. She appreciated his restraint, though she wished he would pull her close and take her in his strong arms. She’d bet those biceps would feel good when wrapped around her. And he was a little shorter than she liked in a man, but she could rest her head on his shoulder instead of against his chest, and that would be nice.
“Yeah.” For the first time when she’d mentioned how her father felt about her, she didn’t try to diminish how terrible it felt. And how adrift she’d always been and how much she wanted someone to belong to.
“He’s wrong, of course.”
“Well, he’s probably right that he should never have had kids.” She laughed uncomfortably. “But time doesn’t march backward, so it doesn’t matter what should have happened. I’m here no matter what.”
“And what does this asshole do? Where is he?”
“He’s a professor of economics. In California,” she said wryly.
“Ah. I remember you saying you were following in his footsteps.” Understanding dawned across his face.
“Yeah.”
“Is he proud of you?”
She shrugged. “I guess. I’m not a professor at a prestigious university, so I get points taken off. But he likes to think he had influence in my choice of study.”
“Even if he had influence for all the wrong reasons and there’s no reason he should be proud? Especially if he didn’t have much to do with your upbringing.”
“Right. He wouldn’t see it that way.” She shook her head. “He’d never talk about the importance of blood or whatever, but I think he sees my choice of study as proof that…what’s the saying, blood will win out. He must be smart, because without any influence from him, his daughter chose the same profession and is making a nice living at it.”
“Um, I think you’re awesome and there’s nothing less about being a researcher versus a professor, but how would he account for the difference?”
“Oh. There’s a math explanation for that, too. The law of averages. With iterations, everything reverts to the average. Tall men have shorter sons. Streaks end. Luck runs out.”
“I don’t think I like your dad much,” Jason said, picking up his beer.
“Lots of people don’t. He’s not a warm person. But he had spark with my mom. She can’t explain it, but she says she can still feel it when she thinks about him. And he married her, so he must have felt the same way at some point. But their spark was closer to nuclear war than campfire.”
“What happens when you meet the perfect guy?” He put down his beer, his palms open like he was trying to reach out and grab something. Maybe his beer. Maybe food. Maybe an understanding of the word that both of them kept trying to grasp and neither of them would ever be able to.
“Maybe the guy you went out with yesterday. You agree on everything. You share the same level of education. You’re both professionals—no blue collar to be seen.” He said those words with a snap that struck her skin.
“You especially agree on how many kids you want to have, and you have a plan on when to have them. But when it comes to climbing into bed every night or waking up next to him in the morning, there’s no…”
“Spark,” she finished for him, leaning into his argument and the passion with which he believed he was right.
“Maybe there’s even the opposite of spark. Repulsion. Not only doesn’t he excite you when he leans over you in bed, but a headache develops.”
The restaurant was bright, with creamy yellow walls and lots of red, but Jason’s eyes had darkened with intensity. Her mind drifted away from the conversation, to lying in bed with him. To the shift in the mattress when he pressed one of his strong hands on the sheets next to her shoulder. The heat of his breath as his face got closer to hers. The feel of her breasts bumping against his chest as he pressed down and excitement rushed her breathing.
