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What the fuck happened? I don’t know when I lost everyone really. I guess moving away to the city when I finished college was the first step to distancing myself from the people I used to be close to. I still talk to them, but about more superficial stuff now. I couldn’t go to anyone with this. Then I got so involved with my work that I never bothered to make new friends. I’ve good acquaintances with the others at the center but I don’t ever socialize with them outside of the office. I’m too busy boozing and hooking up, ‘blowing off steam’ all by myself.
I don’t have a best friend, someone I can confide in about my feelings, and that’s sad. Maybe I’m the one who needs therapy now! I’ve come full circle and I need someone to talk to me about my problems. I don’t know how it’s come to this, but it’s something I need to rectify. If I had a friend, they could talk to me out of this, they could confirm how crazy I am, then I might be able to put this behind me for good.
Right now, it’s just me and my thoughts, and that’s a dangerous place to be!
Chapter Twelve – Prudence
I can feel Logan, creeping through my veins, consuming me entirely. He’s everything, everywhere, my drug that I can’t get enough hits of. I know that I’m obsessed, he’s all that I can think about, but I simply cannot stop. What I felt for him before was simply a deep connection, a special friendship that I couldn’t live without. Now, I have to assume that it’s love. I care about him more than anything or anyone else, and that only gets stronger with each passing second.
I know it’s unwise, but I keep thinking that when I’m legally an adult, when I’m out of this place for good and I’m living alone, then maybe we can finally be together. I have his contact information, he’s keen for me to keep in touch… it has to be so. I’ll invite him out for a drink with me one night in a bar and then see what happens. Or maybe I’ll ask him to dinner, or even breakfast. Once I’m all settled and I’m in a good place, he’ll have to start taking me seriously.
The thing is, I’m very sure that he loves me too, I can see it in his eyes. He knows it, but right now he can’t act on it because I’m at the center, but that won’t be the case for very much longer.
“You’ve had a productive weekend,” he says thinly as his eyes run over the ideas I have had. “You’ve set out a basic budget based on the wages you’ll get from that job, and you’ve emailed about the apartment too. I’m very proud of you, this is all very good work. You must be proud.”
“Well, the apartment does want a deposit, so I’m trying to figure out how much because I might need to get a loan to get me started, but yes aside from that it all looks good. The shop was glad I called them because they really want me working there… so that’s pretty awesome…”
“I’ll always loan you the money,” Logan interrupts rapidly. “I mean, if you’re struggling to get hold of it. I know that you want to get out of here quickly, so anything that I can do to help with that I will. It shouldn’t be too much, it wasn’t the biggest apartment so I imagine it’ll be a couple hundred dollars or so. I don’t think it should be too much more than that.”
I can’t help but smile at his generous offer. This only confirms to me that he wants me too. He wants to get me out of the center as quickly as I do because we cannot kick things off between each other until I’m gone. If he didn’t want me to leave, he would simply tell me to stay while I worked enough hours to save up the deposit money. That’s the sensible thing to do, and others have been forced to… no, Logan wants me out of here for a reason, and I know exactly what it is.
“Thank you so much, that is so kind of you, Logan.” It still feels strange to call him that inside this office, but I’m going to keep doing it to remind him that I’m an adult. “I really appreciate it.”
We share a moment of intense eye contact, and I’m overcome with a feeling of safety. There isn’t anyone who will ever make me feel like he does, I wouldn’t ever be able to trust anyone with my life like I do Logan. I’m pretty sure that makes him the one for me. He’s my love and I cannot wait until we get the chance to explore that properly in every single way. I’m craving him desperately. My body is crying out for him, as is my heart.
“Well you’ve done so much good stuff here, I don’t want money to be the factor that holds you back. Then we can set up a fair payment plan so you can return the money to me as you can afford it, without any of the crazy interest that you would get anywhere else.”
Ooh, a payment plan, that means I’ll have to see him weekly to give him cash. That sounds amazing. Anything to keep us connected is perfect by me. I’ll have to ensure it lasts forever.
“Yep, sounds great. Thank you.” I stand up, ready to leave only because my appointment time is up and it’s about to be someone else’s turn. I don’t want to go, I want to spend every minute of every day with Logan, but I can do it because I’m sure soon enough I’ll have him all to myself, all the time. “So, I suppose I’ll see you next week then? Unless you want to see me
before Monday?”
He pauses, I can see him racking his brain for any reason why it would be appropriate for him to see me but nothing comes to mind quick enough. That doesn’t matter, it’s a shame but the fact that he thought about it is enough for me. He wants to see me, even if he can’t.
“Nope, I think Monday will be fine. If you want to see me before then that’s okay. Just send me an email and let me know. I’ll see if I can fit you in.”
***
I lie on my bed, staring at the tablet screen with trembling fingers. I’ve managed to nab some time on it because Logan told the other staff members that I need it to get my life in order. Thankfully, no one has questioned me on exactly what I’m doing which is perfect because I’ve spent the last half an hour trying to craft the perfect email to Logan. He did tell me to message him if I want him, and I do. I’m just trying to figure out what for.
I know I’ll be able to message him as much as I want the moment I get out of here, but I’m impatient. I want to start now. I want to get the ball rolling because I’m so excited.
“What you doing?” Leah hisses from her bed. “Turn that tablet off, it’s late. We aren’t supposed to use it this late. Don’t you know the rules by now, Perfect Prudence?”
I roll my eyes at her prissy tone. Leah spends half her life breaking the rules, so this isn’t anything to do with that. This is her being annoyed because I have special privileges at the moment. Still, I don’t want to wind her up at the moment, I can’t be doing with any added drama.
“Sorry,” I mutter, while throwing the duvet up over my head to cover up the light.
That actually makes my time alone with the tablet feel a little more private, which helps me to craft my very innocent email, that feels like it’s the naughtiest thing in the whole entire world.
‘Hi Logan, it’s Pru. I’m not emailing you for an extra appointment or anything, I just want to say thank you for all your help. You’ve been very kind to me and I appreciate it very much.’
It isn’t anything that I haven’t said to his face, so maybe it’s a bit pointless but I have to start the communication somehow and I don’t want to dive right in with anything that might be considered risky. That’s just a simple, normal message that expresses nothing but thanks.
Seconds later, the tablet flashes up with a reply which makes my heart pound. It can only be Logan emailing me back which is thrilling and horrifying all at once. I don’t know if I expected him to message me back really, and certainly not this quickly. I wonder if he’s lying in bed, feeling as excited and nervy as I do. I wonder if now he’s clutching his screen, waiting eagerly for my reply.
‘Hi Pru, thank you very much for your email, that was a very nice surprise. You know that you are always welcome, you are a very special lady who deserves to have someone looking out for her. I am in all week, so if you change your mind and you do wish to see me, please do.’
