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“Sure.” I’m not sure what I can say to alleviate the fear that is bubbling in my stomach. What if we’re back together and he has to leave again? I’m not sure I could handle it. I couldn’t when I was seventeen, and barely could when he left six years ago. Over time, I learned to accept and move forward, but now… I’m not so sure I’d be able to.
“I’m scared,” I say. “When he walked outside dressed like this, I was suddenly in high school again and he was leaving.” I shake my head and reach for a tissue.
“She tried to break-up with me,” Evan adds lightly. There’s nothing light about him leaving, ever.
“How did you feel, Ryley, when Evan told you he enlisted in the Navy?”
I take a deep breath and squeeze his hand. “Lost, confused. Proud. I honestly didn’t know what to expect. I knew this was Nate’s plan long before I came into the picture, but Evan and I never really discussed his future. I was losing my best friends at the same time and my only saving grace was that I’d have Lois.”
“Did you and Evan break-up before he went to basic?”
I half choke and laugh, remembering how he wouldn’t allow me to. “No,” I shake my head and look over at Evan. He has a smile plastered all over his face because he knows how well this moment in our lives ended. “I thought we’d break up, ya know? I mean he was going off to work and didn’t need some needy teenager pining away for him. I didn’t want to be that girlfriend, so I broke up with him. I remember the night perfectly. It was one week before he was set to leave. We went to the park and I just blurted it out. ‘I think we should break-up.’”
“I asked her if she was nuts,” Evan adds for good measure. He leans over and kisses me on the cheek. “I love you, babe,” he whispers sending chills down my arms.
I take a calming breath and continue. “I didn’t want him to feel obligated.”
“Did you, Evan?” Dr. Howard asks with her pen poised for more notes.
“Never. I didn’t see Ryley as an obligation or anything like that. I saw her as my future and still do. I told her that I loved her more than anything and wanted the whole world to know. I told her that at basic I was going to need to know that my girl was going to be on the other end of the line when I got a chance to call. I needed to know that when she read my letters she felt the same way. I wanted her there when I graduated, but only if she wanted to be.”
“I did,” I say, chocking on a sob. “I wanted all that too, and we had it.”
“The day he left, Ryley, how did you feel?”
God, what’s with the hard, emotional questions already? Can’t we ease into things? Again, I’m sitting here and don’t want to answer anything. Even with Evan sitting next to me, I’d rather just talk to him and not give her an intrusive insight into our lives.
“I was a wreck. I still wasn’t sure that staying together was the right thing for him, and when it was time for me to meet him at his house so I could go with him, I stayed at home. I sat on my bed and cried. He burst through my door and scooped me up in his arms. He was crying, and I knew I had made a mistake.”
Evan clears his throat and I glance at him. My heart aches for the pain I’m causing again. He holds unshed tears in his eyes all because of me. “I asked if she was having second thoughts and that if she was, to not tell me until I came home. I wouldn’t be able to handle basic knowing that I lost her.”
“What’d you end up doing, Ryley?”
“I went. I cried. I held on until it was time for him to go and waved like a lunatic when the bus pulled away.” I clear my throat. “That night, Lois came over and we watched movies and ate ice cream. She said we were treating my aching heart like a bad test grade. Lois reminded me that Evan was returning home, and when he did he’d be a full-fledged sailor with a uniform.” I laugh now, but back then all I could think about was Evan’s uniform and how the thought of him in one made my heart race.
Still does.
LISTENING TO RYLEY TALK about how she felt when I was leaving for basic training really does a number on me. I’m that tough guy you read about – the one who doesn’t cry or show emotion no matter what’s happening. You learn to be like this, it’s taught to you. It’s what makes you stand out above the weak. But for the life of me, I can’t keep the tears at bay when Ryley relives the time I was leaving. We hadn’t been together a year, and I fully expected us to stay together. By all accounts, our relationship was backwards. It was me who thought about a future when it should’ve been Ryley. She never begged me to stay, only encouraged me to go.
Breaking up wasn’t an option for me. I had a life planned out for us, and I saw Ryley playing the part as my partner, best friend and my better half. Being at basic training with a girlfriend wasn’t unheard of, but a lot of the guys in my barracks didn’t have one so they didn’t understand that I wasn’t whole, that a part of me was still back at home wishing I was there helping her get ready for her senior year. Knowing Ryley was waiting for me is what pushed me to excel. I wanted to make her proud.
I pull Ryley into my arms and hold her. It’s really just another excuse to touch her, but knowing that I’m comforting her helps me try to make everything okay. I don’t regret enlisting. I regret not questioning my last mission, but there isn’t anything I can about that now.
Ryley pulls herself together and removes herself from my arms. The loss is felt immediately, but is easily rectified when I grasp her hand. Dr. Howard smiles, but quickly turns her head away. I’m certain that she doesn’t want to show any sign of approval on what I’m doing, but I’m certain that’s what her smile means.
“Evan, what was it like being away from Ryley?”
I clear my throat and look Ryley in the eye so she can understand what I’m about to tell her. We’ve never discussed my time at basic. It wasn’t something we needed to talk about when I came home.
“Being away at basic training was easy. I had a goal and was going to achieve it. During the day, thoughts of Ryley were the last thing on my mind. I focused on the task at hand. The classes. The push-ups. The runs. I pushed myself hard to succeed. My recruit division commander knew my dad, so he was hard on me. I welcomed it. When I was alone though, or had some downtime, she was all I thought about. Every thought was a memory from the past year and visions of future memories we were going to create. I’d listen to stories of other guys and see if I could picture Ryley and myself in their situation. Some I could and others, there was no way.”
“Like what, Evan?”
“Like her being pregnant and me being away from her. One of the guys had gotten his girl pregnant. He joined the Navy so that he could provide for his family. That’s an admirable thing to do, but it wouldn’t have been for me. I wouldn’t have been able to stay away.”
“But you left when she was pregnant with EJ,” Dr. Howard points out.
“I may have a double standard here, but if I’m eighteen and my girl is pregnant because I didn’t wear a condom, I’m going to stick around and help her. When Ryley became pregnant with EJ, we were trying for a baby and I was already invested in work. My job is just like yours.” I look at Dr. Howard when I speak. “You go to work and heal people. I go to work and save people. Different job, same result. My office is all over the world. You can?
