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I have to stop when a sob takes over my body. The couch dips and Evan is next to me with his arms around me. I melt into him. My body knows him regardless of him being away for so long. My hands cover my face as I wipe away the tears. I have to be strong and do this for Evan.
Clearing my throat, I adjust, but Evan doesn’t move his arm from my shoulder, and I don’t ask him to. It just means I’m going to hell for having these feelings for two men. “You know how Chris has two dads?”
“Yeah, and he says it’s the coolest thing ‘cause he gets lots of presents.” Of course my child would be excited about the prospect of presents and not the drama of having two dads.
“EJ, I know you’re only five, but you’re very smart and going to start school soon so I want you to listen to me closely.”
EJ leans forward with his little arms resting on his knees. Evan chuckles behind me, and all I can think is how much fun it’s going to be watching Evan get to know his son and realize how much trouble we’re in because EJ is Evan’s mini-me in every way that counts.
“Evan is your dad and before I had you in the hospital, he had to go away on a super-secret mission that took a really long time, but he’s back now, and he’s not going anywhere.”
EJ’s brows furrow, his expression probably mirrors the one I held when I first saw Evan coming down the steps earlier in the week, although for different reasons.
“EJ?”
He looks up at me with the most confused look I’ve ever seen. “Are you and Daddy not gettin’ married?”
I feel Evan stiffen next to me. I swallow hard and fake a smile at our son. “Your dad and I are still getting married, EJ.” With that Evan removes his arm, and I’m instantly cold and left feeling hollow. “What I’m trying to tell you is that Evan is your dad – he helped make you in my tummy – and Nate is also your dad because he’s raised you.”
I think that I’ve only confused him more when he blankly stares at me and Evan. Of course, Evan isn’t helping, not that I think he should. This is my mess. I need to be the one to clean it up.
My mom and dad walk in, and my mom sits by me while my dad takes the spot next to EJ. He pulls him into his lap and gives him a hug. “I know your mom is making your head all messy, but she’s a girl and girls do that a lot.”
“Hey,” both my mom and I yell out at the same time to no avail because all the men are laughing.
“Do you know your name?” my dad asks, confusing not only EJ but myself as well.
“It’s EJ, silly Papa.”
“Yes, but what does EJ stand for?”
EJ pretends to think by tapping his finger against his lips, another Evan trait. “Eban junior,” he says proudly.
“Well, to have the name junior added, you have to be named after someone and that usually means you’re named after your dad and sometimes your mom.”
He shrugs, still not understanding. I knew this would be hard, but had no idea that we couldn’t convey that Evan is his biological dad, and he’s here to stay.
“Sweetie, look at grandma.” EJ does immediately and dazzles her with his smile. “Your mommy and Evan were going to get married before he had to go away. Everyone told us that he wasn’t coming back – that we’d never see him again – so when you were born, we all wanted you to have a daddy and Nate said he’d do it. Evan and Nate are brothers and Nate – well, we all wanted Nate to help be your daddy.”
EJ looks from my mom, to me, to Evan and my dad with his lower lip sticking out. My heart breaks for my son, being five years old and trying to grasp this news. “So he’s not my daddy no more?”
“No, of course not,” Evan speaks up. “I just want a chance to be your daddy too, EJ. I’ve missed so much, and I didn’t mean to. Look…” Evan moves and reaches for his wallet, pulling out a picture. I catch a glimpse of the photo – it’s of me and Evan with his hand on my belly right before he left.
“I know you can’t see much, but you’re behind my hand, in your mommy’s tummy. When she told me that she was pregnant I was so happy… still am happy. I want to marry her someday and had planned to until I had to go away.”
It doesn’t escape my attention that he said he wants to marry me, not wanted.
“Why’d you go away?”
“My job sent me and… and I don’t know EJ, something happened and I’m not sure how to explain it, but I can promise you that I’ll never be gone like that again.”
EJ appraises us all to see our reactions. We’re all stoic, unreadable. “So I have two dads now?”
All of us nod slowly, except for Evan. I know he doesn’t want to agree, but for now this is how it has to be.
“I’m hungry, Papa.”
The four of us start laughing in relief. Leave it to the kid to diffuse a heavy situation with a hungry stomach. My dad carries EJ into the other room, followed by my mom, leaving me with Evan who is still sitting so close to me that I could just lean in and get lost in all things Evan. I could pull him close and breathe him in, but that’d be wrong. My traitor body is telling me otherwise though. My skin is screaming to be touched by him and my fingers, they’re locked in a vice grip so that I don’t reach out and run my fingers over the ink on this arms.
