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“I don’t understand. How am I supposed to explain it to my son? He… he loves Nate and I can’t tell Nate to go away, but I also can’t tell Nate to stay because Evan deserves a chance to get to know his son. And EJ… he deserves them both.
“God, I’m so confused and frustrated,” I say, standing up. “I don’t know what to do, and you don’t have the answer. Sitting EJ down is the only answer, but he’s not going to understand it. He’s not going to comprehend his mommy sitting him down and showing him a picture of Evan and saying hey bud, sorry, Nate really isn’t your dad, but this guy is. In this fantasy world I’ve been living in, none of this happens, and I’m getting married soon. We healed. He died. We buried him. We said our goodbyes and moved on.”
I stand with my back to her, afraid that she’ll cringe at the way I look right now. I must look like an evil witch to her, but I can’t help it. I just want some happy in my life, and I thought I was getting that. I thought I had earned it.
“The day Evan’s mom showed up at our house asking for his flag, I told her I was pregnant. I asked her if she really wanted to take Evan’s legacy away from his son. She sat there, stoically, with her hands holding a picture of Evan. The picture, just a random one that I had out, was from his basic training.”
“‘Where did you get this?’”
“‘Evan. He sent it to me when he was in basic.’”
“‘He gave you everything, didn’t he?’”
“‘We’re engaged, Julianne, why wouldn’t he share everything with me?’”
“‘Were.’”
“What?’”
“‘You were engaged.’”
“‘Julianne, I’m still having his son. We created this child together, and he knew he was having a child before he…’”
“‘You can say it.’”
“‘No, I can’t.’”
“I never understood how she could talk about Evan being gone so quickly. I couldn’t. Even when he was deployed, I acted like he was coming home any day just so I had peace of mind. I can’t imagine what she went through when she lost her husband and again to lose her son, but I wasn’t her enemy.
“My pregnancy was without complications. Whenever Nate was home he was making sure I was eating. Lois or Frannie, she’s River’s wife, were at all my appointments, and Carter helped Nate build EJ’s crib. Lois, she did this amazing collage of Evan, which is EJ’s wallpaper. So many people gave me photos after Evan died that she took them and had them made into wallpaper. Still to this day, EJ’s room is my favorite room in the house.
“I was alone when I delivered. I told my mom that if Evan couldn’t be with me, no one could. So I did it by myself. There was no one to hold my hand or tell me to push just a little bit harder. I felt Evan with me though. I knew he was in the room. But knowing what I know now, it was just a figment of my imagination. He could’ve been there when his son was born, but he wasn’t. When I think back to that day…” I shake my head to clear my thoughts. “I gave birth to EJ alone. I was empty inside and sobbed when the nurse set him on my chest. Evan wasn’t there to share that moment with me. I held our son and cried until there was nothing left. I wasn’t happy after I had EJ because everything was different. I was alone. I was left alone, and nothing can change that.”
“You’re not alone now, though, Ryley.”
I scoff. “I guess that depends on your definition of alone.”
“Do you think Evan feels alone?”
I bite my lower lip, likely drawing blood, to keep myself from crying. Only my self-inflicted pain doesn’t stop the tears from flowing.
“I know Evan feels like he’s alone. It’s hard to describe, but I’ve always felt connected to him. Even when they told me he died, it was hard to believe. I thought that I’d feel my heart stop when he died, that I would know, but it was nothing like that. I had always sensed him around me, or would imagine him walking into the room I was in, and seconds later, there he was. I tried to explain myself to him once, and all he did was nod and say he felt it too.
“I should’ve trusted my instincts, but I’m supposed to trust the people he works for and I did, and now look at where we are – sitting in your office trying to come up with a decent resolution.”
“Why do you call the resolution decent, Ryley?” she asks, sliding her notepad to the side of her desk. I find it hard to believe she’s done analyzing my life, but I’m willing to appease her.
“Like I’ve said, there’s so much hurt in my family right now, decent would be a godsend. Regardless of any choice I make, brothers will be torn apart. A family that has healed is once again experiencing the wounds that destroyed all of us. Julianne doesn’t know her son is alive, and Nate doesn’t know about his brother. Regardless of what Evan says, Nate wouldn’t hide this from me.”
“What did Evan say?”
I reach for a tissue and dab at my eyes. Today can’t end fast enough for me. “The day that Evan returned and I told him about Nate, Evan kept saying Nate knew. Everything from that day is so confusing. I didn’t ask Evan to elaborate. I didn’t think I needed to. I was in shock.”
“You don’t sound so sure,” she states, adding to my uncertainty.
“That’s because I’m not. Seeing him standing there, none of it makes sense.”
The therapist picks up her pad and when I think she’s about to write another novel about my life, she slides it into an open desk drawer. She places her folded hands on top of her desk and attempts to smile. I know it’s hard for her to listen to my sob story and not judge me. I’m thankful she did.
